LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
10 February 2012
MONEY TALKS

Can't do email, can't use a computer, can't read, can't write, can't comprehend
financial matters, can't add numbers under 100,000, multi-millionaire Tottenham
Hotspur's manager Harry Redknapp missed being sent to prison for dubious
money transfers to Monaco.

"Let's see here. £123,940 plus 104,554 adds up to £228,494. Wait a minute.
Did I really do that? Without a calculator? Me? I'm a fantastic football manger.
I've got no business acumen whatsoever, do I Milan." HR's reputation
concerning player and pecuniary transfers began the five year investigation.     
HR has "not even thought" about managing the English team. Really? So does
that mean he can't think either? But "I'm fatter...I mean I'm flattered."

Within hours, Italian Fabio Capello had jumped or been pushed from his
England manager position and Redknapp surged to the top of the list to replace
him. HR was "shocked and surprised." Hmmmm. Curiously the Football
Association failed to inform Capello of their decision regarding their resolve to
strip John Terry of the England captaincy due to allegations he used racist
abuse against Anton Ferdinand after Euro 2012. Capello was in Italy at the time.

Although it had been rumoured FC wanted to take his £6m before his contract
ended in July and go, he now says his abrupt departure was the result of a
misunderstanding.  Of the language?

HK: "What's a Kandinsky?"


I'M PRETTY AS A PICTURE

Stop. Hang on. The palace has made an announcement. Ex-Waity went out -
unaccompanied, unaided - except for her royal body guards and a huge press
contingent - after 4 hours at her hairdresser's. Clearly her job is her hair is it
not? Bravo! Congrats! Banners out at Buckingham Palace.

Kate Machiavellian Middleton was at the opening of Lucien Freud's
retrospective at the National Portrait Gallery. She's due to have her royal
portrait done by the royal portrait painter. Pity Freud's dead.

There she was; alone, locks in perfect place, in a lone dress that all those who
live in the fantasy world of 'I will be able to marry a prince and become a
princess if I wear what she wears' can't find in any of the shops and they are
panicked. A devious deed possibly? KMM knows they can copy her flippable
hair - but not the dress this time. The label is defunct.

She was placed in front of one of the paintings surely titled 'Family with Various
Size Heads' rather than one of his 14 illegitimate/legitimate children painted
naked in their teenage years. Good choice.


SIR, I WANT SOME MORE....

Oh joy. The Sirs are going to gather to perform at the Queen's Diamond Jubilee
June 4 in front of Buckingham Palace. Paul McCartney, Cliff, Elton, Tom Jones
plus the Dame Shirley Bassey, Gary Barlow, oh god Jules Holland and for the
younger royals JLS, Ed Sheeran, Jessie J and for those who know better
Annie Lennox, Madness and Lang Lang for the Queen. Rumours persist the
Spice Girls plus little Harper Seven naturally might want to join the boring, so
boring, seriously boring line up. Send away for 10,000 free tickets now.

Gary Barlow is organising the big do showcasing the 'best' of pop, rock,
classical and musical theatre from each decade of the Queen’s 60-year reign.
"That's what we're trying to do here, make this concert all-encompassing for
everyone involved... with Buckingham Palace as a backdrop... it's going to be a
fantastic event which transcends multiple decades of music." Not Sir Paul again.

Barlow aims it to be 'newer and better' than Queen guitarist Brian May's brilliant
performance at the 2002 Golden Jubilee concert when he played the national
anthem on the Buckingham Palace roof. Gary. You need a Plan B.
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