|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
29 May 2015
|Mr 'n Missus
“I'll have to ask 'the missus'.” What could possibly be wrong about this?
Everything. We can start with ‘have to ask’…moving on to ‘missus’.
Prince William was interviewed by Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker
who asked Wills if he was going to take Prince George to his first football match.
Wills responded with: “I'll have to ask the missus”.
Now seriously, you just know that he will have to ask permission (we have heard
that Ex-Waity is rather um…formidable when not out and about hair-flipping).
But ‘the missus’? Really? ‘The missus’. Not ‘the queen-in-waiting’? Not ‘the
commoner’? Was Wills thinking he was hanging out at the Queen Vic on
Ahead of the FA Cup Final between Wills’ favoured Aston Villa vs Arsenal, Wills
told Lineker: "I don’t know, I’ll have to pass that by the missus, see how I can get
away with it! At the moment, being only 22 months, it’s a little bit early." I’m
thinking he should start now if he has any hope of being allowed by the time
baby George is 22 - years.
“The MISSUS! You called me the MISSUS?!”
“Oh so sorry Babe, I…”
“Well Pet, I…”
“Try again William!”
“Finally! And no, you can’t take my mother’s grandson to a football match.
Where’s your arrogance, superiority, entitlement, privilege? Really, William! Get
with the program!”
Wills said four-week-old Charlotte would probably end up supporting his team
while George ‘went his own way’. Really?
Wills is FA president if you have forgotten. The FA Cup Final is the oldest
football competition in the world – this being the 314th. 10 million in the UK, half
a billion worldwide will be watching. Probably not baby George however.
Ah yes. The beautiful game. Not so beautiful at the minute is it? With the Fifa
corruption scandal it’s more the ugly game. Money laundering, bribery, fraud,
racketeering. Not even pretty. 14 top officials indicted with more to come.
Adding insult to injury, after 17 years in control, Fifa president shameless Sepp
Blatter denied all knowledge and responsibility for the extraordinary sleaze, this
being the worst crisis in 100 years. Blimey!
The Mirror reported that “Blatter was preceded on to the stage by a collection of
smiling, flag-waving young people, accompanied by rousing drums, which had
an eerie feel of a Hitler Youth Rally. It was a masterclass in the art of shameless
self-preservation.” Clearly living in his own reality or outrageously lying. Oh now
that is so not pretty.
Blatter said the events were casting “a long shadow over world football”. Hmmm.
“I can’t monitor all of the people all of the time”. Apparently not. He’s only had 17
years. It’s certainly not news to anybody – the corruption and his shadowy self.
“Nobody’s perfect.” Really? Hopefully they will investigate him and discover how
imperfect he is. Blatter will be in power for another four years overseeing the
system of patronage he established that allows him to bestow billions of dollars in
Fifa profits to indebted officials. Thus the votes. Blatter’s only challenger, Prince
Ali bin Hussein, withdrew after the first round: 133 votes to 73.
“Let this be the turning point,” he pleaded before he was crowned. Indeed. Fifa
spent $39.7 million on executive stipends and senior management bonuses in
2014. Indeed. And more than £97.5 million in illegal payments. Yikes.
You surely remember when Blatter suggested the way to improve the popularity
of their sport: “Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in
volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are
pretty if you excuse me for saying so.” No, we don’t and no, they aren’t all
‘pretty’ even when wearing tiny, tiny pants.
Blatter has said “there is no racism” in football. For a man who speaks fluent
French, Italian, English, German and Spanish, he hasn’t been able to translate
vile racist chants from the fans. He has advised that any gay fans should
“refrain” when at the Qatar World Cup in 2022. In regards to love-cheat John
Terry, “If this happened in, let’s say Latin countries, then I think he would be
The reinstalled unattractive Fifa president with the rather unattractive name is
said to be an ex-wedding singer. How much do we love that? Loads.
BBC is going to present a new show using Britain’s lowest paid workers. No,
they don’t work for the BBC. No, it’s not a rival version of Britain’s Got Talent. It’s
called 'Britain's Hardest Grafter', which aims to set people on benefits, the
unemployed or earning less than £15,500 a year against each other. Not just for
fun, but they will need to ‘complete gruelling tasks’ for a cash prize. What?
‘Gruelling tasks’ – what could the BBC have planned? The unemployed
scrambling to the job centre, arms tied behind their backs, blind-folded, bare-
foot or given the wrong directions?
25 grafters will have to “prove themselves” to compete for the – ready for this? -
£15,000 prize. £15,000. That is just not only pathetic, it’s totally condescending.
Oh dear. We can’t give them any more or they may move out of poverty.
Surely the Tories can act as advisors as they are now ‘the party of the working
Just when you might have thought the BBC has gone collectively insane, be
assured, everything is just so PC. To explain, I’ll let them explain.
“To improve on screen diversity” the BBC is looking to train disabled people to
take an interest in weather presenting. Huh? Their free course will “provide an
introduction to the world of weather presenting to help men and women with a
disability feel comfortable appearing on television, radio and online presenting
weather bulletins.” Huh? No qualifications necessary. No interest in weather
patterns, not being able to speak English – but with “lots of enthusiasm!”? Huh?
If a disabled person full of ‘lots of enthusiasm!’ wanted to read weather bulletins,
wouldn’t they have gotten in touch with the BBC already?
The BBC hasn’t specified if the person must have spent hours pressed against a
window watching cloud formations, sitting out in the rain for fun, can distinguish
between whether and weather.
You really have to wonder if the BBC is attempting self-inflicted termination
knowing the Tories are determined to eliminate it. Curious.
No Dog’s Dinner Then
Perhaps the lowly contestants could become dog walkers. No. Really. Quite
literally. Dog walkers earn a fifth more than the average UK salary and only have
to work two weeks a month to do so. Come on. Not only are you shocked, you
might be considering a whole new path (I know).
Dog walkers earn an average of £26,496 compared with the national average of
£22,044. In London, it’s £32,356 which can add up to £64,050 depending upon
the hourly rate or even £89,670. Come on, now you are rendered speechless
Hmmm. And who doesn’t like a dog, or six.