Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
Mini-Me-Me-Me - 10th October 2010

Lies, manipulation, scripted spin, covert operations, style consultants, financial incentives. No it’s
not the Tory ‘Coalition’ government, but the ‘It’s
everything to me’ X Factor.

To be honest, I find the watched-by-13.8-million-people ‘entertainment’ show challenging to
watch. Even with the so wrong auto-tuning, those off the pitch notes are so grating, but Saturday
evening I sat on my hands to prevent my natural impulse to change the channel the nanosecond
the stage lights flashed on the singing-challenged-silly-styled Katie. Was the Lady Gaga ‘inspired’
contestant meant to pull those coloured visors down? “Oi. You’re all green! Am I on drugs?” I
had to stifle my fight/flight instinct. Trust me here; it was not without major effort.

Simon is bored. Simon is bored, bored, bored. Aren’t we all. Boredom is the new black, SC. We
are all just soooooooooo bored. Perhaps that’s why the gay card has been played. Backing
dancers (oh please stop) are dressed in Las Vegas costumes vigorously gyrating here and
there. Upon a closer look, the overtly gay dancers were included. Hmmm. Attention grabbing –
not boring.

Tears, non-waterproof mascara, facial contortions, dribbling, whispered pleading, quivering and
shaking; Cheryl’s calculating mini-mes’ performances were in fact truly boring. Wagner doing his
best impression of John Galliano having a bad hair day, Mary all glammed up from the neck up,
Aiden trapped in a winter wonderland were not boring.

Clearly the strangely hair-flattened-by-iron Simon has a plan. Toss together ‘fragile’ ruthless non-
talents, daft theatricality, silly styling, blinding epileptic-producing lighting, gay dancers/singers,
circular breast-rubbing (what was that exactly?)  - surely there is massive money in the mix
somewhere. “You are exactly what we are looking for, which is a new little star,” Simon to the
Machiavellian mini-me Miss Lloyd. I reckon we’ve found it. Vote her out.