5 October 2013
The Ed Miliband Show

Oh Ed. You are beginning to act in an obvious ‘I want to be the victor
regardless’ sort of way. Ignoring your stab at fratricide (can we really? I think
not), you may be performing with a bit too much ‘fervour’. A few suggestions.
Please pay attention and pay heed.

Firstly: Stop repeating every bloody phrase, sentence, two words, point,
thought. Just stop. We heard you the first time...and the second. Don’t think
‘third time lucky’. It won’t be. We’re talking back to the telly whenever you
appear and that is not good. We’re becoming irritable.

Secondly: No snogging. Ever. Those photos of you and your lawyer wife,
Justine, lips locked is beyond silly. It’s pathetic and it won’t work. This is not
American politics – as yet – although threateningly close to it. If you start
mentioning god, as they do there, all is lost. But back to those staged photos.
Why? What’s the point? Just wrong. Trust me here.

Thirdly: While on the subject of the Ed and Justine Show - perhaps not such a
clever move – bringing along the kids. Shamless, Ed. Family values? Don’t do
it. You’re over-doing it. Perhaps a simple suggestion here. Have Justine reveal
another facial expression. We have only ever – yes ever – seen one. You know
the one. It’s stupid. You should have learned from SamCam who also only has
one...the one where SC stares blankly in total confusion, wondering if she is
dreaming. Your wife smiles even though she looks like she’s about to be hit by
a bus. It’s disturbing and hints at Stepford Wives. Again. Not a good look.

Fourthly: No more allusions to some person, couple, family in Britain totally
unknown to us (and you). It’s that old Ronald Reagan ploy: ‘Let me tell you
about Mindy in Minneapolis...’ Ed, we don’t care. It’s uninspired and

The Daily Mail furore. Tax-dodging-owner-son-of-Black-Shirt-admirer
refused to have the paper properly apologise for clearly creepy and very wrong
insult of your father, referencing his 17 year old opinions and labelling him The
Man Who Hated Britain. But crediting yourself as carrying the banner of truth
and courage. No. Everybody supports you, except the moron Education
Secretary Michael Gove, so leave it.

Lastly: Prepare Ed. The nasty party has been notched up to the evil party via
Australian spin master, Lynton Crosby and it is going to get very personal and
very ugly very soon. Ask yourself: what would Gromit do?
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