|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
30 March 2019
It may be over, but oh please, how thick do the left of left think we are?
Apparently thicker than they are. So why didn’t their saviour not attend the
demonstration Saturday? Hiding? Not quite this time. He was in Morecambe
Bay, Lancashire. As you do when more than a million people gather to protest
Brexit. His devotees said: he was “campaigning in Morecambe where the cockle
pickers died… Jeremy is out there leading the country, discussing austerity and
all the other things that matter.” Oh please! Other leg….
The Morecambe Bay tragedy took place February 2004 when at least 21
Chinese illegal immigrant labourers were drowned after picking cockles. Surely
JC ignoring the demonstration of millions wasn’t due to his usual temper tantrum
response; this occasion with Tom Watson addressing the crowds? Oh surely not.
And Labour ‘sources’ are also busy reassuring us that Jezza is so fit amid those
rumours of ill health – and cowardice – that he ‘pumps iron and does gardening’,
you know, in his spare time when he is avoiding all questions and any gathering
that isn’t falling on their knees en masse. On your bike, JC.
Take His Word for It
Putting words in her mouth. Whose mouth is that then? Theresa. Whose words?
Robbie Gibb. Not a mysterious Bee Gee brother. Never heard of him? Well he’s
the man behind Theresa. Yes, Phil is still there hovering in the shadows.
With her loss of an embarrassing number of many aids, ministers, staff –
remember Nick and Fiona? - Robbie, Theresa’s Director of Communications, is
a rabid obsessed Brexiteer, described as ‘messianic Brexiteer’ at that. Now that
is reassuring isn’t it? Yet another one. Collective eye-rolling.
He’s 54, balding from youth, never a good look, former head of BBC
Westminster. He’s obsessive, obsessively detail oriented, over-reacts to any
changes to his stratagem, with “very tiny, neat hand-writing”. Very tiny, tiny
hand-writing aside, his most used expression when disagreed with is – wait for it
– “Utter fart!” He says it ‘all the time’. Oh that is just – so yuck!
Reality check. The new Tory catchphrase. All together now: “F**k knows, we’re
past caring. It’s like the living dead in here.”
At Our Expense
Shouldn’t there be another mass demonstration against the government
spending our – our money on themselves? The expense scandal is baaaack. Did
it ever go away? But before that - this should make you open the window and
shout: “I’m not going to take it anymore!” But you won’t will you? But I will try.
Back in a minute…
OK. Here we go. No prize for guessing necessary. MPs’ expense claims are
greater than they were a decade ago according to Ipsa. We made their
pointless little lives easier with £116m in 2017-18 which is an increase of 21%.
No mention of another duck house, but you never know. Those Tories are a
tricky secretive lot aren’t they? We know we pay for their first-class travel as well
as pencils and family members, but pas vraiment! toilet seats and £294 for toilet
roll. Britain’s richest MP, Richard Benyon, bought a £6.80 toilet seat for his
constituency office from Wilko in August 2017 - then another a month later for
£10.87. We waved Geoffrey Cos off to the Cayman Islands for £1,836. And so
disappointing, even Jezza spent £180 on artwork for a must have “Jeremy
Corbyn MP calendar”. And we so must have….
Just when you sigh a sigh of incredulity, stop, this is even beyond that. Evidently
it’s time to cease feeding the kids at school. All right, not institutional starvation,
but up for interpretation. Government cost-cutting consultants have decided it’s
best to cut lunch portions. And! Why stop there? Sack teachers and replace
them with support staff. And how to save money on supply staff? Well teachers
could cover three classes at the same time, if there were any. As we know,
teachers are quitting in droves.
Time for details. Since 2010 schools have suffered a £5.4 billion in funding cuts.
Oh let’s keep those peasants down and dumb from the start. “Sir. We have to
share our 20 strands of pasta among the five of us. We’re starving. I’m getting
light-headed. Sir. Sir.”
Heart-warming coming up here. To save the jobs of their colleagues, teachers at
one of the usual cash-strapped primary school have volunteered to take a
£7,000-a-year pay cut. It was at Furzedown primary school in the south London.
Furzedown’s head, Monica Kitchlew-Wilson, said that some were now on 80%
of their previous salary. As we know, heads have appealed to parents to pay for
basic items: pens and glue sticks. Some are closing at lunchtime on a Friday to
save money. See how they solved it. Disgraceful!
Last year an organised rally outside Parliament drew an unprecedented number
of state school heads from around England. It was the Worth Less? Campaign.
The biggest teaching union, the National Education Union, has described the
situation as a “national emergency” - not when you need £294 for MP toilet roll.
In the Grand Scheme of Things
I promise I am not making this up. But if you didn’t know those top Tory
politicians, our favourites Moggy, Mikey and Boris as well as Ian Duncan Smith,
Dominic Raab, David Davis and several others are referring to themselves as
“Grand Wizards”. Really. No. Really! Accidental? Utter ignorance? Ha. The
wizards have had since 1865 to familiarise themselves. Homage to the US KKK.
And now the KKK has decided they were insulted and plan to sue!
The Ku Klux Klan’s current grand wizard, Shitbo Sluggins – I really am not
making this up, his name or what he said: “We’ve been watching the UK
Conservative Party for some time now. It’s clear they’ve been copying our stuff
– who do you think invented the ‘hostile environment’? We didn’t mind that, as
the more racism the better, to be honest. But seriously, guys – NOW YOU’RE
STEALING OUR WIZARD STUFF!? THIS SHALL NOT PASS!”
Be afraid! Be very afraid! And the response from a senior Tory responded?
“Why can’t we be wizards too? Play fair, guys! Surely two organisations with
similar outlooks on society can refer to themselves as ‘grand wizards’ without
anyone inferring some sort of link?” and let’s not dismiss “We didn’t mind that,
as the more racism the better”, eh Tory wizards?
Hard to believe, but it gets worse. BBC’s political guru Laura Kuenssberg,
acknowledged for her right-wing bias, didn’t take the Grand Wizard
nomenclature tribute seriously and has since tweeted: “I’m hearing that the Tory
bigwigs will now be referring to themselves as the ‘herrenvolk’ – a German word
that translates as ‘master people’”, followed up a few hours later: “Apparently the
copyright for ‘herrenvolk’ is owned by one A. Hitler. Seems to be an honest
mistake; hopefully they’ll have better luck with their next nickname – the ‘Pale
Anglo Crusaders of Odin SS-Front’.” Gobsmacked? Surely not.
If for some unknown reason you feel the need to repeat: “EW EW EW!” go to
Popbitch, 28 March and read:
>> Governmental breakdown <<
A Brexit shitstorm special!
What the UK wizards do when we are not watching. EW!
Moving on from repulsion to outrage, it is clearly a government by the few for the
few. Indeed. An eye-watering uber luxury apartment has just been bought, as
recently as 15 March, to house a senior diplomat pursuing post-Brexit trade
deals of all the toxic foods the US has to offer – and that actually includes
everything they eat or drink. Let’s hope he doesn’t include drinking water laced
with mercury, lead, PCBs, arsenic, perchlorates, dioxins, oh the list goes on and
on for 15 million Americans in 27 states. Trade: ticking all the right boxes.
Returning to all the despairing details. The flat occupies the entire 38th floor of
the Norman Foster building. Isn’t that lovely; Brit housed in Brit architect’s
building? So not. It is described as ‘the ultimate global address’ if it needs a
narrative of sorts.
We have paid £12 million for a 574 sq metre panoramic-view with seven
bedrooms we will never sleep in. Now who could have created this deal then?
Why it was the foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt who is one of ‘the chosen’ to
Putting it in perspective, one of the apartment’s three walk-in wardrobes is larger
than both the staff rooms which are 6.3 sq metres. Ah. Life in that privileged
parallel universe they all inhabit. A gene pool issue?
Here is what you have splashed the cash on according to the website: “The
“shimmering modern” tower block promises its residents “an extraordinary level
of privacy, security, and serenity” along with “the opportunity to live in one of the
world’s most prestigious locations.”
The block features a large swimming pool lined with black marble, a fitness
centre, and a residents-only valet system. Adding a touch of elegance to every
detail, the powder room walls are fitted with glazed silk panels in a choice of
either bold primary or natural colours. A spa in the basement incorporates a
large exercise pool for residents.” Oh joy.
You couldn’t trust these idiots to run a bath, but we certainly can trust them to
spend our money.
RIP the Agnès Varda… tout à fait magnifique.