Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics

The lords are jumping ship. “Lord Laidlaw! What are you doing? You’ll ruin your £10,000 suit for
god’s sake!”

“I’m swimming to Monte Carlo before I am forced to pay UK taxes.”

“Should I follow you in the yacht?”

Peers of the realm are fleeing the country for fear they will have to demonstrate honour and
fairness and responsibility above arrogance and entitlement and greed. Why is this not a surprise
then?

Architect of Wembley Stadium, the ‘Gherkin’ and the Great Court of the British Museum (and not,
thanks to the obsessive meddling of Prince Charles, responsible for those homage-to-council-
tower-blocks at Chelsea Barracks), a peer since 1999, Lord Foster has voted once in the House
of Lords and last spoke in 2003 – except perhaps now: “Don’t dare to even try to remove my
peerage or I will be forced to vote again before I scuttle back to Switzerland where I live in
freedom from interference – in the event that I want to become a boastful child rapist who made
a few good films and a lot that weren’t.”

Prince’s Trust supporter, the 79 year old Indian metal magnate Lord Bagri was created life peer
in 1997 after living in Britain since he was 19. His last appearance in the second chamber was 10
years ago. Clearly a busy man in his retirement years.  “Increase those barricades at my
Regents Park mansion while I’m in India. No useless smelly shack-deserving squatters! This isn’t
India!”

Lord McAlpine became a life peer in 1984. Rumours of his predilection for young boys hit the
internet – but that may be gossip started by a disgruntled art collector who was outbid by the
‘cultured’ lord. “I’m going to do animal portraits at the zoo in Australia.”

Orgy-loving Lord Laidlaw (curiously name) who had to be treated for ‘sex addiction’ to protect his
reputation after a party offering male and female prostitutes and unlimited coke 2 years ago last
entered the chamber 3 years ago: “I’ll take that one and that one and – ohhhhh lovely -  those
two over there. Tell them we’ll supply the accoutrements necessary. I’ll be taking my
monogrammed whip.”

Hong Kong Chinese multi-millionairess, a non-executive director since 1990 and a non-executive
Deputy Chairman in 1992-2008 of the HSBC Group, Baroness Lydia Dunn, was made a life peer
in 1990. She is first Chinese woman to be made a Dame. Lady Dunn has spoken twice in the
Lords in the past ten years – when she demanded: “Where’s my chop suey!”

Some of those honourable life peers have given access to the Lords to lobbyists in exchange for
cash in hand and lest we forget their claims for exorbitant expenses - to which they weren’t in
fact entitled.

Shouldn’t the acquisitive sweatshop employer and 9th richest Briton, worth billions Philip Greene
be forced to walk the plank after making it a point to keep as much of his money out of the UK
economy as possible? “Get that Topshop tat outta heah! No daughter of mine is going to be
seen alive or dead in it! What would my best friend Prince Albert of Monaco think! Out!”

The Government's Constitutional Reform and Governance Act, which took effect this week,
requires all MPs and all members of the House of Lords to pay British income tax. At the minute,
the supercilious lot  will retain their titles...so invaluable when making restaurant reservations...
but will they nick their ermined robes in order to make a grand entrance...as you do.