2 September 2017
Locked-In Syndrome

“Open the door Theresa! Unlock the door! Let us in. Now!”

“No! I won’t! I’m not going! You can’t make me! Philip! Philip! Tell them! We’re
not going. Are we? We haven’t worn all our matching outfits yet. Have we? And I
bought all those new shoes!”

Theresa has announced – clue: yawn – that she isn’t leaving Number 10 until
2060. Oh. Oops. She’ll be dead by then – presumably. A weekly occurrence?
Her “I’m here to stay” stance? Clearly Theresa has been holding her ears, or is
she playing Abba at top volume on her headphones (Theresa using headphones
– ha) to ignore senior Tories who have shot down her five-year-plan to lead them
into the next election.

Evidently the pro-Brexit MPs are wrestling, arm-twisting, brawling behind the
scenes to seize her crown from her latest helmet-hair coiffeur. MP Tory cartoon-
character, ‘MP for the 18th century’, Jacob Rees-Mogg is considered a viable
solution. Who knew ‘Moggmentum’ would be taken seriously? Oh right. He did -
and surely by those who long for the empire. Oh. Right. They are Brexiteers
aren’t they. “But we miss colonialization. Jacob understands us. He’s one of us.
Wave the flag, Jacob.” Rees-Mogg thrilled them by launching his own attack on
Jean-Claude Juncker. He said Juncker was “arrogant and bullying” and a
“pound shop Bismarck.” Bless. What’s not to love about this supercilious Tory
toff? “A pound shop Bismarck.” Inspired.

Clearly Rees-Mogg hasn’t inspired the youth of Britain. The Tory attempt has
been a total disaster. Theresa’s irreversible increase in tuition fees 24 times the
Bank of England’s base rate means 75 percent of graduates will never pay off
the debt – before they die. Perhaps Rees-Mogg’s cut-glass accent – as well as
possibly an ascot, a monocle, his hair style just aren’t terribly appealing to the
student voting selfie-generation. Just saying….

Tricks of the Trade

Theresa was off for a three-day visit to Japan to coerce them into a trade deal.
Tokyo said ‘no’; it will not make any commitments before it knows the outcome of
a UK-EU deal. Obvious, Theresa. Japanese banks have already planned to
relocate their European HQ to Frankfurt.

With Japan the home of karaoke originating in the 1970s, Theresa told reporters
when questioned: “I’ve got a confession to make.” One way to get their attention.
“It may be a shock to you all, but I’m not a great karaoke fan.” Shock? A
collective gasp was heard. She added: “I’ve never done karaoke, actually, I’m
afraid.” More gasping.

Afraid? Oh Theresa. You could practice at home with Phil, on your very own
karaoke machine, belting out My Way, which has been kindly suggested as a
good choice. But I’m thinking you are more a show tunes kinda ‘gal’. Somehow,
can you see music being essential to Theresa? I thought not. Schoenberg? Ha.
You did mention Abba didn’t you? I Have a Dream… The Winner Takes It All…
Gimme Gime Gimme… Under Attack… Slipping Through My Fingers? No
carpool karaoke with James Corden then?

Reasons to be Cheerful

Curiously there are a few reasons to be cheerful.

Murdoch pulls Fox News off the air in the UK. Oh dear me. Not the end of
salacious, sensational fabrications? Oh no.

21st Century Fox said: "Fox News is focused on the US market and designed for
a US audience and, accordingly, it averages only a few thousand viewers
across the day in the UK." Do we suppose those few thousands (2000) are from
the US and are homesick for the news they are used to? Oh come on. Yes we

Apparently, Fox News also had become a target used to oppose Rupert’s plans
of maniacal media control. Remember. He wants Sky next.

Howdy Partners

And we thought CallMeDave was busy in his £4m shed we paid for. OK, not
quite £4m – writing his fascinating autobiography. Such a fascinating man, that
Dave. Laugh here. Remember it was a £800,000 publishing deal. Stop laughing.
CMD was to write a ‘frank’ account as his time as PM. Laugh here. No mea
culpa though. Stop laughing. He is responsible for the pathetic country we will all
be living in, as you well know.

Former chancellor, George Osborne, Georgie Boy to us, managed £1m for each
of his thrilling speeches. Dave reportedly earned £120,000 per hour for giving a
speech about Brexit in New York last summer.

My goodness. How fortunes have changed for our Dave. £5 a speech now. No.
Really. To a sold out crowd. One that just happens to be in – wait for this – Rapid
City, South Dakota. Assuming a ten-gallon Stetson hat and a pair of snake-skin
cowboy boots are de rigueur.

Locals have already snapped up bargain-basement $7 tickets to see CallMeDave
give a lecture as part of the John T Vucurevich Foundation speaker series.
Apparently Vucurevich was a South Dakota banking legend and philanthropist
who believed in “making a piece of the world a brighter place”. Such as being
responsible for Brexit? Do you reckon they understand irony in Rapid City? Do
you reckon Dave will learn how to use a lasso? Or an AK47?

Evidently cowboys have their own special language. Who knew? Dave might use
in his speech: ‘never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco’… or ‘don’t squat with
your spurs on’…or ‘never ask how stupid someone is 'cause they'll turn around
and show you’…or ‘never miss a good chance to shut up’. Listening, Dave?

Travel Broadens the Mind

‘Tim Vine Travels in Time’ is the new pilot, part of BBC1’s Comedy Playhouse
series, which runs for three weeks promising new comedy ideas.

And the premise? It sees Vine transport himself back in time to the days of
Robin Hood to mend Ore Oduba’s golden broken arrow. Of course he does.

It’s clearly a vehicle for Vine as the master of puns. A problem? Personally, I
hate a laugh-track. If you can’t figure out when to laugh, it’s not funny is it? It’s
hard not to admire his quick pun-wit, but – sorry – I didn’t roll on the floor along
with the loud, irritating laugh-track. Not Going Out was never the same without

After the jokes at the Fringe, well, you might call them jokes – but that’s
debatable – so here are a few of Tim’s best 50 one-liners listed in the
i to
redeem him from the not funny comedy.  

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He
said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a
small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s
speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

Now you have reasons to be cheerful don’t you?
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