29 May 2016
Lewd Limerick

Oh no. Not another Boris story. Oh yes. Yet another. With this one, boorish
Boris pays homage to his Turkish roots. Boris joked that the Turkish president
had sex with a goat. As you do – not, but then it is non-editing, attention-seeking
Boris isn’t it….

Boris won a £1000 prize for the verse. Huh? It was an off-the-cuff limerick made
up as a rebuff to President Erdogan’s efforts to prosecute a German comedian
for an offensive poem about him. Surprisingly it has been shared with millions on
Russian TV. What?

As you surely are anxious to read it, here it is:

                There was a young fellow from Ankara
                Who was a terrific wankerer
                Till he sowed his wild oats
                With the help of a goat
                But he didn’t even stop to thankera.

So clever, so not. Sigh. Here is a translation:

                There once was an anxious Turk
                Who was always tossing his cigarette butt
                And in early spring
                He would always make love to a goat
                Without any kind of foreplay, the idiot.

Viewers were reassured that the Russian version still “featured all the nuances”
of the original. Sex with a goat – nuanced? Really? Surely not according to the

The website referenced Boris as “an eccentric in his psychological
makeup…someone who isn’t afraid to make fun of the illogical behaviour of
European Union leaders and the nonsensical decisions they make for the UK.”
Ah. Upholding Boris as an exceptional eccentric example. Ha.

Oh let the madness end…and you know it won’t don’t you? I’m thinking callously
calculating BoJo will go on and on and on and on after the EU referendum 23rd
of June with his ‘jokey’ clowning. After all, he has the PM’s job as his determined
destiny, although possibly after he establishes himself “King of the World”. His
words, not mine.

Call [all] the Midwives

Wills’nKate – Prince William to you, Ex-Waity to me – finally remembered to
acknowledge the massive medical team who were on call for three months for
the births of George and Charlotte. Or was it just another ‘aren’t we Royals so
marvellous’ PR ploy?

They thanked the staff at a Buckingham Palace garden party. The kids didn’t
attend apparently. Surely the loyal staff should have been up close and personal
with the result of their labours – as it were.

Professor Tiong Ghee Teoh, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist and
anaesthesiologist Dr Johanna Bray were part of the team in 2013 and 2015.
The large team included two obstetricians, three midwives, three anaesthetists,
four surgical staff, two special care baby-unit staff, four paediatricians, one lab
technician and three to four managers. No mention of the many hair
assistants/dressers/stylists were on call for months. We do remember it takes
five hours a day to create that flipping hair don’t we?

Dr Bray told reporters: "There were about 20 of us that would regularly meet to
discuss things…We weren't actually at the birth but were behind the scenes. We
were all on call for three months – my husband did the childcare for three
months! You never know when you need to be called. You need to be in town
and available. If you are at a party you need to have your car keys at the ready.
No drinking!" Beyond the call of duty surely.

Professor Teoh added: "We had a huge team. Anything that could possibly go
wrong, we had a team of people behind each specialty. Everyone was sworn to
secrecy." No partying, keeping secrets, three months. Nooooo!

The members of the team were "hand-picked" and teams of doctors were
prepped at two other hospitals - just in case.

The doctors explained that while every woman giving birth has a similar team at
their disposal. Really? I think we need a bit of confirmation on that one. Anyone?
OK. I’ll give you the royal command and demand; the heir excuse et al, but not
the hair. Still, there is something decidedly gauche, even raahhthther distasteful
about the excessive number, the swearing to secrecy and god forbid – no
drinking for months!

Sign Off

Princess Charlotte was born 2 May, 2015, so she is a Taurus. Wrong. She is
actually an Aries. How? Well, evidently we have had it all wrong for so long.

The Week wrote that a phenomenon has altered the position of the
constellations. The BBC called this phenomenon ‘precession’. This means the
constellations have ‘drifted’ out of their allocated date slots by about a month. Zut
alors! It’s not written in the stars afterall.

Do you really reckon a Scorpio would now be happy as a Sagittarius? I think
not. A Gemini a Cancer. Certainly not. Star-crossed lovers? Possibly not. “I
don't want to be in a relationship with a Libran. I loved you because you were a
fun-loving Leo! You’ll never be able to make a decision. I want a divorce.”

The explanation: “Your star sign is supposed to be the constellation that was
behind the sun when you were born...the discrepancy arises because the dates
associated with star signs were set some 2,000 years ago when the zodiac was
first invented. But the dates of the year are not properly in sync with the
movement of the stars.” Are you keeping up?

"As we orbit round the Sun, a different constellation appears behind it each
month. Ancient astronomers named this ring the zodiac, meaning 'circle of
animals'. It was the Greeks who came up with the idea of the personal 'star sign'
– character traits determined by the constellation behind the Sun on the day you
were born.” OK so far?

“On top of this, ancient astrologers divided the 360 degree path of the Sun into
12 equal parts, but in reality the boundaries that divide the constellations are far
from equal. The astronomical zodiac even contains a 13th constellation, called
Ophiuchus, which sits behind the Sun from 30 November to 18 December.”
Oh dear me. What does that mean for Sagittarians? They like to take an
overview, but may question the characteristics of Ophiuchus. And for that
matter, who named it and when?

The real you:

Capricorn: 21 January - 16 February
Aquarius: 17 February - 12 March
Pisces: 13 March - 18 April
Aries: 19 April - 14 May
Taurus: 15 May - 21 June
Gemini: 22 June - 20 July
Cancer: 21 July - 10 August
Leo: 11 August - 16 September
Virgo: 17 September - 31 October
Libra: 1 November - 23 November
Scorpio: 24 November - 29 November
Ophiuchus: 30 November - 18 December
Sagittarius: 19 December - 20 January

Oh my stars (sorry, but surely you would have said the same). All those
newspaper horoscopes now null and void. What to do…what to do. Read your
‘old’ sign and your ‘real’ one? How will astrologers interpret world events? I
foresee astrological chaos. So then so much for: stars in your eyes, born under
a lucky star, seeing stars, reach for the stars, thank your lucky stars….
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