|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
14 August 2015
|Let Them Eat Nothing
Let’s keep out those swarms of Tory donors, those marauding Tory toffs from
peerages in the House of Lords. PM CallMeDave is going to pack the Lords with
Tories. Quelle surprise. And we will be paying the new (as well as the ‘old’ –
aren't they just) £300 a day each. Must we? They do have to ‘show up’ to
receive their daily allowance. Bless. But CMD can adjust that for his pals
Moving on to the other swarms. Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond threatened,
while hiding in Singapore, that “millions of marauding African migrants pose a
threat to Europe’s standard of living and social structure”. Oh no! Yes, only
Europeans can appreciate ‘Europe’s standard of living and social structure’.
Hints of racism? Surely not.
PH’s solution to the marauding problem? Simple of course; send those misled,
uncomprehending, non-Europeans Africans back to their country of origin. So
that would be jammed in the hold of non-sea-worthy vessels for a month, days
trudging through the desert with several children under five in tow, having paid at
least £650, again, right PH? Or simply toss them in en mass to swim back to
Calais. And if they should drown? Well, it’s surely their fault for not learning to
swim isn’t? Europeans can naturally. Such a clever Tory.
Last month David Cameron described those repugnant migrants as a “swarm”.
He admits now he has no regrets...they are a swarm from North Africa. Oh. I
believe he was referring to the swarm of educated, skilled marauders. “We can’t
allow people to break into our country.” Mon dieu! The swarms are burglaring
If you have forgotten, CMD wanted to prevent any support for search-and-
rescue missions. You must know that would clearly encourage those swarms.
The French beat, pepper spray and simply dump these 3,000 silly asylum
seekers on rubbish dumps. Clearly they aren’t French are they? ‘50% of the
people in the camp are from middle class backgrounds, and 20% even upper
Asylum seekers support payments will be cut further by the compassionate
Conservatives. Charities have reported that nearly 40 per cent already cannot
afford food for their families, 88 per cent cannot afford clothing. The Home
Office said: “The system shouldn’t offer any perverse incentives (perverse?...
what’s perverse here?...who’s perverse here?) for illegal migrants to lodge
spurious asylum applications or encourage those without genuine claims for
humanitarian protection to prolong their stay in the UK.” They just can’t help
themselves, can they? Let’s use a thesaurus to respond. Tories: nasty (well, we
know that one already don’t we?), spiteful, soul-less, sadistic, superior, cold,
callous, brutal, pitiless, ruthless – any suggestions here? – heartless, merciless,
If you didn’t vote for, don’t support the inhumane policies the nasty, oops, evil
party you can give at: crowdfunding.justgiving.com/CalAid.
Ranting and Raving or I’m Losing the Will to Live:
Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid...Very
We’ve reached PMCallMeDave’s 100 day stratagem to create a future America
as he’s speedily moving us to limited government ‘interference’. Dave is missing
something here; the US is made up of individual states – we being the 51st of
course - while this is a small island, rather like a small state, Dave. Get a map.
CMD started with the total dismemberment of the welfare system and the NHS,
inheritance tax cut for the top 6% and oh joy, now the end of the educational
system, after cutting funding to schools – oh Dave is devious. He’s calling for all
schools to become academies. Dave says they can ‘convert’. Hmmm. Curious
choice of words, Dave. Oh yes, Dave is a committed Christian. “Teachers not
bureaucrats” in control. Right. Religious fundamentalism via fanatics, profits first
via private companies then, Dave? You know like the ones we have now:
modelled after and owned by Americans; creationism mandatory in the
curriculum. Brilliant. Humans hanging out with dinosaurs...the earth 7,000 years
old...I just can’t go on as I am seriously losing the will to live and Dave has just
Not Frack You Again?
Lest we forget, this enlightened, empathetic government is hastily dismantling
any ‘government interference’ unless it serves their ‘we’re all in it together’
(except for you, peasants, ha) mantra. They are back to introducing cancer-
causing, environmentally-toxic, short-term fracking. Oh for God’s sake, again?
The government has ordered councils which "repeatedly fail" to process fracking
applications within 16 weeks could (clearly will) lose their right to decide whether
disruptive fracking can go ahead in their areas.
Greenpeace’s Daisy Sands told the Daily Mirror: "The same government that
has just given more powers to local councils to oppose wind farms, the cheapest
source of clean energy...”
Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania and Columbia University have
published a report that is considered to be the "most comprehensive one to date”
in regards to health.
The findings indicated that there is an increased risk of heart disease,
congenital heart defects, neurologic disorders, cancer, skin problems and
urologic problems in areas where fracking operations are concentrated. Really?
How many Tories are involved with Cuadrilla do you reckon?
The Fun Bits:
Dave Fit Flops
PM CallMeDave, a vision in blue. Why it’s CallMeDave and Sam Cam waiting to
be snapped by the press on their usual holiday in the Algarve, seated at their
usual table by the sea, posed for their usual holiday pics, Dave wearing his
usual shoes. Wait! Not Dave’s usual footwear. He’s flogging Fitflops.
Outrageously flogging I might add here. Can the sole-branding be read 20 feet
You know, we all know, how Dave was ridiculed for his holiday footwear in the
past. He looked rather ridiculous didn’t he? Think of CallMeDave as a white sock-
and-sandal kind of guy. Made you smile....
Oh dear Dave. Oh dear subtle Dave. He is truly sad. OK. Pathetic. He tries so
hard to be cool and casual. Note to Dave: not working. Sam Cam is doing cool
and casual by being barefoot. They clearly are in need of a new PR team.
Notice SC hasn’t had a sip of her pint. Difficult to swallow with a perpetual rictus
smile really. CMD has had one. Difficult to swallow with pursed lips, right Dave?
A word Sam&Dave; trying to look ‘cool’, thinking you’re ‘cool’ makes you not
cool – so not cool.
It’s Murder on the Dance Floor
Sorry, Sophie (Ellis-Bextor), but I Won’t Dance with You or Move to the Music,
Take me Home If I Can’t Dance, I Won’t Make a Scene (okay, okay, I’ll stop).
Nightclubs have fallen from 3,144 10 years ago to 1,733 now. Why then? No
smoking, no money, no spaces...clearly too busy doing selfies to dance...
stilettos inhibit self-expression...
Several journalists are thrilled – regardless of the fact they haven’t entered a
nightclub for decades – with their demise. No more endless queues in the cold,
feet stuck to the sticky floor, no more need to be cool. They always wanted to be
home on the sofa under the duvet. Really? Clearly not the fun young ones.
Let Me Out
Soho nightclub to A-list celebs, Cirque le Soir, has issued a few rules via
(employed?) promoters who sent out a text to people on their VIP list: “Dress
glamorous/hot” in all black, wear heels and loads of makeup and “do not bring
any big/fat girls/guys.” Photos must be sent to have reservations reviewed. A
bottle of Champagne can fetch £1,000 – no surprise there. A club representative
denies all. Trip Advisor uploaded a review 29 March 2015 entitled: “No blacks
allowed in 2015”. That doesn’t include Rihanna if you were concerned.
Death by Design
After hundreds of trillions of years no new stars will be made anywhere at all.
So? “Our galaxy will eject most of its remaining stars into the cosmic void, and
what is left will collapse into our central black hole. All matter as we know it will
eventually decay, the black holes will evaporate and what is left will be a very
lonely and empty place.” So, yikes!
We’re now told: “More likely given our current knowledge, is the theory that the
universe will continue to cool forever, and non gravitationally bound structures
will steadily move apart from each other. The universe will have ceased
converting mass into light, and it will be left in almost total darkness. Every once
in a while the remaining photons, electrons, positrons and neutrinos will meet
and dance, but they will soon continue their solitary journeys. The universe, in
any sense that we know it today, will be over. The phase we are in now could be
considered to be the slow death throes of the universe.” Blimey. I’m going