LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
3 March 2018
Let Me Be Clear

The Beast from the East was here! Oh right. Not Boris then. Surely you
remember his Turkish heritage that he reminds us of ad nauseum? East – get it?
Yes, we were freezing and yes, we had bright sun followed by sheets of snow
followed by sun. But it really, really has been bloody freezing.

So back to beastly Boris, who has compared Northern Ireland’s border to that
between Camden and Westminster councils in London. No, really. Can you say
that in Latin? Who knew there was a 310-mile national border which 30,000
people cross daily? Who knew there was a Good Friday Agreement? He
suggested solving the ‘hard border’ problem was easy-peasy…as easy as
running the congestion charge in London. Oh Boris.

Ireland dismissing buffoon Boris wrote to Theresa with his latest suggestion: “It
is wrong to see the task as maintaining ‘no border’” and then claimed the aim
was “to stop the frontier becoming ‘significantly harder’".

Leaked to Sky News, his private…i.e.; secret letter ‘hinted’ that he could indeed
live with a ‘hard border’ in Ireland. As we know, ex-Remainer Boris changes his
mind – all right – view daily. Hard, soft, none, hard, none, soft…

Evidently, Boris has been unaware of Ireland, as was the government until the
EU reminded it. Dissident terrorist groups still operate in Northern Ireland: 58
shootings and 32 bombings last year alone.  Over 3,000 people died between
1969 and the signing of the Good Friday Agreement. It’s said that installing
CCTV and automatic number plate recognition technology would simply provide
another target for terrorists. Oh Boris. Are you paying attention? Boris…Boris…


But I Like Cherries

Oh dear, what has Teresa been saying at PMQs? “We’ll bring back control of
our laws, our borders and our money…” Oops Theresa. We already control our
laws, our borders and our money. Funny – not really is it?

And what about Theresa’s ‘big speech’? Come back, come back. OK. Maybe
not. Nevertheless, she delivered her ‘highly-anticipated’ (ha) Mansion House
speech. On the Irish border, she said that technological solutions, trusted trader
schemes and other measures could avoid a hard border. Clue: other measures.
Such as? Oh let’s not even bother guessing. Second clue: Brussels facilitates
open borders on the basis that they are all part of the same legal system thus
with the same monitoring and enforcement bodies operating the same
institutions. Oh look. Theresa has cake crumbs on her suit – and face.

The EU’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier has said that border checks on the
island of Ireland are “unavoidable” outside of the single market and the customs
union. Again. Yawn.


Back From the Dead

Ex-Chancellor George Osborne has apparently been meeting our favourite Tory
strategist Lynton Crosby. The Evening Standard editor seven job-holder Georgie
has regular Wednesday appointments. Word is: comeback. Word to follow: no!
Word to follow: revenge? Assuming he has his bags ready for his freezer.


And the Award Goes To

If you haven’t sighed, yawned, loss consciousness yet – your choice, we have
Jeremy Hunt to push you over the edge. He has been awarded ‘Humanitarian
Award’ at the World Patient Safety Summit for his global leadership on patient
safety at the 6th Annual World Conference on Patient Safety. O h m y g o d!
This award recognises leaders who have made significant progress in
eliminating preventable patient deaths. Not joking.

Reality check, Jeremy: more nurses are leaving than joining, so many that
senior A&E consultants have said: “patients are dying prematurely” in corridors
because the NHS is so underfunded and short-staffed. 33,000 are gone in one
year. Oh, not patients, nurses – although…these as a result of government
austerity, according to an Oxford University report. And the beds? Jeremy has
managed to eliminate 6,268 beds. So proud.

And what about those other deaths, Jeremy? More than 22,000 deaths a year in
England from NHS medication errors. Not looking good is it? More than 700
people die every year as a direct result of adverse drug reactions.

Surely the award included JH’s collusion with US healthcare, the ‘health’ care
that is doing everything from supplying equipment to selling personal health data
to the US. The Tories have already sold masses of NHS patient data to Google
DeepMind to manage lest we forget. I’m going to have to lie down now.

A recent poll from the beginning of 2018 has more than 60 per cent of
Conservative voters who want Hunt sacked. The award should clearly have gone
to those who work – and suffer - from Tory merciless austerity cuts in the NHS.
Oh look. Jeremy still smiling that rictus grin. Now we know why.


Holding Court

Ah the Brand Royal does its best to surprise its peasants. Now 1,200 will be
attending the wedding of the century. Ah bless. Assuming they will be vetted,
and their outfits will have to pass a terribly strict code. “Guests from every
corner of the kingdom.” Ah. Sounds like a fairy tale doesn’t it? Hopefully no
nasty duchess will cast a cruel curse. Oh dear. Not Ex-Waity. Surely not.
There's more. The peasants will be invited to “watch the arrivals of the Bride (sic)
and Groom (sic), and their wedding guests, at the chapel and to watch the
carriage procession as it departs from the castle.” Condescending? Never.
Nauseating? Absolutely.

MM and Harry want only those who will look good. They have requested for them
to be chosen from diverse backgrounds and age groups and those who have
served their communities. Do they get final say on the guest list then? “No, no.
These ones sound too British. We need many more unpronounceable names.”
2,640 are invited onto the grounds of Winsor Castle to fawn and wave.

Dubbed ‘The Fab Four’, MM, Harry, Ex-W and Wills of course. Who else? Oh
please. Fab? Really? How and when? We need proof before we genuflect to the
fab four. The first annual Royal Foundation Forum – where they talked about the
charity work they have done and will do. Not competitive surely. Certainly not
MM and her rival for constant attention Ex-W.

Judi James, that body language expert who has been consistently following the
young royals, OK just MM and Ex-W really. Bonding? New best friends? Not
quite as you would imagine. Not that you really did.

To quote: “As this Power Quartet took to the stage, it was easy to imagine we'd
be seeing some sister-in-law-style bonding between Kate and Meghan, with Kate
taking newbie Meghan under her wing via some reassuring gestures and smiles.
But as it turned out, this couldn't have been further from the truth.” Oh noooo.

“…some initial mirroring between them in terms of hair-preen gestures,
clapping, and some side-to-side rocking in their seats, but interestingly it
seemed to be Meghan instigating these small movements and Kate following.” Oh
noooo.

“Dynamic Meghan was the powerhouse of this royal appearance: confident,
eloquent and showing signs of seeing herself as the driver of this initiative (and
possibly the group)…” Oh noooo.

It gets worse. “…at this event there was a moment when Harry turned to pull a
funny face and Kate responded with a grin but then noticed the face was pulled
towards an openly laughing Meghan, at which Kate's face did drop a little and
her head tilted rather sadly to one side.” We know how Ex-W fell over laughing,
legs in the air every time Harry said anything, but not any longer evidently.

Ex-W was “finger-picking slightly nervously, especially while Meghan was
speaking”.

When asked about disagreements among the fab four, apparently Wills groaned
“Oh yes”, MM and Ex-W “disappeared behind their hair, Meghan grabbed
Harry's arm and laughed…Meghan looked more driven, more take charge.” At
least James is relishing all this endless branding and competing.

Spice Girls? At the wedding? Hints they could sing. ‘I'll tell what I want what I
really really want’… Who Do You Think You are… Wannabe… How Does It
Feel To Be On Top Of The World… Would You Ever Appear Naked… One Of
These Girls… Move Over. Oh stop me now! Scary. Sorry. This is getting
embarrassing and you just know it’s – tip of the marital iceberg. “But in America,
we get married in Las Vegas with cardboard Elvis as a witness.” Oh Meghan….
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