|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
11 October 2015
|Left Holding the Bag
Georgie-Boy has been endlessly seen at every possible building site,
manufacturing facility, wherever ‘his people’ gather to work. Do you suppose he
has his very own hard hat with his very own name on the front? Georgie in
charge here. What do you reckon?
We see macho George the Builder using a hammer, George the Chancellor
assisting factory workers – was that a blow torch? - George the Lorry Driver
studying a satnav app, looking like a rabbit in headlights – oh wait. That’s
George's normal facial expression isn’t it? Shocking he didn’t lead in singing
Corbyn’s favourite, The Red Flag, hanging out with his new mates.
George used the phrase “we are the builders” “we are the builders” “we are the
builders” “we are the builders” “we are the builders” “we are the builders” no less
than six times in his conference speech. But who’s counting? It was first used
by Aneurin Bevan during the 1945 general election campaign: “We have been
the dreamers, we have been the sufferers, now we are the builders.” ‘Sufferers’
– oh dear me. Not worker-Georgie?
Now what would you expect from a chancellor of the exchequer? Let me assist
here: stealing? Surely not. Pilfering, appropriating, nicking – no! His modus
Boy-George has stolen straight from Labour’s manifesto, as you do as a Tory.
Local councils will be able to keep the business rates they collect, working
grandparents to share parental leave, Labour’s policies on minimum wages and
pensions, The National Infrastructure Commission headed by Labour Peer Lord
Adonis, his wife. Oh, I might have caught your attention on the last one.
Since you asked. Georgie wooed and won his wife Frances from his best friend.
GO tells the story that he had planned to help his friend and flatmate find the
right partner. “So she came round for a couple of dinners, and then I thought,
“Sod it, she’s great and I’m going to make my move”. So I said, “Sorry Pete, it’s
just the way it is.” As you do to a friend. Conveniently Francis is the daughter of
a Tory grandee, Lord Howell; she is well connected and independent. “We are
all doing our own thing but together. Well, not always.” Read this statement as
you will. I have....
Georgie’s faves: he loves and uses a ‘happy/cool’ emoji exclusively. He
communicates via emoji with his children naturally and his cabinet members
naturally. “I like the smiley face with sunglasses on.” Down with the kids then or
at best, acting like one.
Georgie’s faves: his favourite painting is Andrew Wyeth’s Christina’s World.
Stop right there. Any Andrew Wyeth painting – really, Georgie. He was an
accomplished illustrator if truth be told. Wyeth painted his neighbour, suffering
from a degenerative muscular disorder, crawling in the fields. But it’s a narrative,
Georgie. It’s not capital ‘A’ Art.
GO tries to redeem himself with Bridget Riley, Barbara Hepworth, Antony
Gormley. No, no, no. Sorry Georgie but you can’t ‘love’ illustrative
representational ‘art’ at the same time as non-representational/abstract and
conceptual. You just can’t. Chalk and cheese and all that.
GO’s favourite movie scenes are predictable. Really, who doesn’t love the
‘running scene’ in Trainspotting. No need to report the lists; you surely know
them already. Boring.
Georgie’s dream? To open an Italian restaurant. What? You read it right. Are we
to assume pizza is his favourite meal then? Thin crust or thick?
Tory in Labour’s clothing PR PM CMD made social reform the key theme of his
‘modernising’ Americana speech. “All pumped up" Dave did his earnest best “to
make Britain greater, we need to tackle some deep social problems” and that he
wants to “fight for real equality”. Political drivel from Dave as usual. He ran
through housing, poverty, education, prison reform, social mobility,
discrimination, and extremism, like any conscientious, dedicated Labourite. A
Tory in Labour’s Clothing - again
“This is a true story. One young black girl had to change her name to Elizabeth
before she got any interviews at all.” How do you know, Dave? Know her
personally? Oh Dave, not the illuminating ‘real life’ story à la Reagan. So last
decade – or two – or three.
CMD shrieked that the only thing you need to know about Labour leader Jeremy
Corbyn is that “he thinks the death of Osama bin Laden was a ‘tragedy’ and “we
cannot let that man inflict his security-threatening, terrorist-sympathising, Britain-
hating ideology on the country we love”. What country are we living in then? Oh
Dave. Oh Dave. Plutocracy-preferring-Dave, not nice, Dave, ‘calm down dear’.
The nasty party so easily turns to vicious – and jingoistic and autocratic. Be
afraid. Be very afraid.
After CMD’s hysterical terrorist-tirade, he thought he’d endear himself with a bit
of humour – puerile naturally. Dave brought up the Joy of Tax book: “I took it
home to show it to Samantha. It’s got 64 positions – and none of them work.” Kill
me now. Clearly that’s what SamCam was thinking. Continuing to charm all,
Dave brought SamCam up to the stage. At least this is one time when her
Stepford-wife rictus grimace was appropriate.
Maintaining the ‘little woman’ theme: “My wife is Chinese and she loves working
18 hours a day for £1.50 in a sweat shop.”
The wealthy Health Secretary, worth an estimated £4.8million, the patronising
idiot Jeremy Hunt – oh seriously, you know he is and he makes the most
farcical faces - stepped up the Tory war-on-the-poor when he suggested
underpaid staff ‘lack dignity and self-respect’ in their keep-the-poor-poor jobs.
Common knowledge of course: Chinese factories are often staffed by migrant
workers who earn an average £150 a month in appalling conditions. Jeremy was
clearly inspired. Common knowledge of course: People who work too much are
more likely to gain weight, suffer workplace injuries, eyestrain, headaches,
muscle pain, make more mistakes, make wrong decisions and develop stress-
related illnesses. And we all know about sitting for long periods linked to
cardiovascular disease and higher risks of death. Oh no Jeremy. More queues
for the NHS. More common knowledge: productivity increases at six hours. See
Now this is the fun bit. No hard work involved. According to the Evening
Standard the ‘red-faced’ health secretary emerged from a train toilet after
accidentally pulling the emergency cord instead of the flush. Do you suppose
the cord was made in China?
More fun bit: Tory favourite, tax evader, The Sri Lankan-born telecoms boss,
Subaskaran Allirajah, has handed Dave’s party more than £1.3 million since
2011 and £503,450 in 2015 through Lycamobile UK, which avoids tax by moving
revenues offshore. Of course it does.
Included in Dave’s private dining club, exclusive fund raising events, backer of
Boris and Zac – so hugs all round – except that the company’s finances are now
being investigated for money laundering. That would include handing over bags
of cash Buzz Fee News reported.
Suspicious six-figure Post Office cash drops by the Lycamobile group were
reported to the police. BuzzFeed News : ‘Lyca deploys three men to drive
around in unmarked people carriers depositing rucksacks stuffed with hundreds
of thousands of pounds twice a day across London. The Conservatives have
accepted £1.3m from Lycamobile, and Labour MPs have demanded that the
party put a freeze on any further donations from the telecoms giant and
consider handing back its money’. Bags of cash. How filmic.
Bag it, bag a bargain, excess baggage, it’s in the bag – or is it? Yes, yes, our
love of the plastic bag is over – or is it? Assuming Lyca used cotton bags.
Tabloids guaranteed total chaos would ensue with the introduction of 5p for
every carrier bag. Last year we took home 7.64bn carrier bags, around 140 per
person. Sometimes I think I have most of them, but wait – I use them as bin bags.
Plastic bags can take 1,000 years to degrade, so why is there no word in
regards to ‘bio-degradable’ I’d like to know. Only my local farmers’ market uses
them so we know they exist.
In Wales plastic bag usage dropped by around three-quarters after the
introduction of a 5p charge in 2011, in Ireland's €0.15 (11p) per bag led to a
90pc reduction, in Scotland introduced a similar measure in late 2014, and it
seems to be having a similar impact.
It’s not just the shredded greyed dead bag hanging on to the tree branches, it’s
the seabirds, sea mammals or fish ingesting the tiny plastic particles blocking of
the gut. All tortoises are seriously endangered.
So naturally you’ll be saying: “I’m switching to paper.” Hmmm. Not so fast. Not
only impractical shopping sans car (it is London darling) when needing to carry
several at a time or when it rains or when toddler in tow or filling it with frozen
items in the summer – quelle potential mess. In San Francisco, the use of
politically correct paper bags led to "greater landfill waste than plastic bags". Oh
“OK. I’ll switch to cotton bags then.” Not so fast. Your attractive possibly logo or
statement bag would need to be used 131 times compared with a regular plastic
bag before they are better in terms of limiting global warming, according to the
Environment Agency. Oh no. Estimates don't include the environmental costs of
washing reusable bags – and we are suppose to wash after every use (plastic
and cotton) – ecoli et al - taking into account all the hot water you will have to
use, cotton bags are even worse. Oh no.
In Austin, Texas shoppers started to throw out many more heavy-duty reusable
bags, resulting in increased landfill. Exactly my very problem. Thin, small
reusable carrier bag used for the bin replaced by huge black thick expensive
heavy-duty used for lemon peels, chicken bones, coffee grounds, etc, etc.
Some say the 5p charge might also push more customers towards online
grocery shopping thus more environment pollution. Oh no.
The only good bit here is that some supermarkets Morrison’s, Waitrose, Iceland
so far, are pledging to use the cash to create a Dementia Research Institute
being set up by University College London. The £350m project is short
£100,000. Brilliant. Pulling something good out of the bag then.