LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
15 June 2019
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Lying in Wait

Boris does Lynton Crosby. Verbatim. After keeping Boris hidden, PR Australian
right-wing strategist guru mouthed the very same words..
All just soooo
transparent
.

We know he is a compulsive liar, manipulator, and then there are all his
unrepeatable ‘views’ on Muslim women, blacks, that money to investigate historic
child abuse - was 'spaffed up the wall'. Augh. Ew. So offensive. Yet, the ‘what’s
not to love’ from the dim and deluded persists. Ah. Are they missing
his flawless
‘bumbling Boris’ act
? Surely they are. Slippery Boris slithered through those six
press questions. Lynton here? Of course he is. But when will Boris ‘slip up’?
Hmm. He does find himself endlessly entertaining and witty.

A quick reminder: as Mayor of London he bought and refurbished water
cannons for over £320,000, sold for scrap at a fraction of the purchase price.
He promised the Garden Bridge would be entirely privately funded – it ended up
costing taxpayers £43m before being cancelled. Oh and then there is his cable
car which would be privately funded as well. In the end Boris had to take EU
funding to build it for those three passengers a month. Over estimating here?

Wait. Have we forgotten that his first – erm – ‘real’ name is Alexander? The
Waugh Zone reports “
his family call him ‘Al’ [which] suggests few know who the
real Boris Johnson is.” Hmmm. Al. Should we now refer to him as ABA? People
- some people are getting annoyed that he is the only candidate referred by his
first name. See. Time to change it to Al. Oh Al. The zip wire is back. No queuing
for you….

Well, we know that ‘Al’ will say anything to anyone. Oh oops, lie to anyone and
everyone. “The will of the people”. ’Al’ is making Jeremy and Sajid look normal
and trustworthy. OK.
That is a stretch, but give it a little think. See?

He will be willing to take Britain out of the European Union “at any cost”. And we
know his record with ‘costs’. And - it will cost enormous. It seems that Steve
Bannon is back. Oh Boris! Not Steve Bannon, Boris! Shame! Avowed white-
supremacist – we shouldn’t be surprised really should we?

Not a Pretty Face    

Ok. Esther McVey is out, but just for fun, EMcV told LBC that foreign aid has
been misspent, this including on an airport where the runway was built in the
wrong direction facing the wind. Really. Not a joke. Iain Dale: "Where has that
happened?" McVey: "It's in... one of the continents... abroad." Not a joke. You
know there are simply no words….  OK. OK. One is incredulous.

In just two years she has submitted claims worth
£8,750 for the services of the
photographer
and PR man Jonathan Farber, an ex-Tory councillor in her
constituency. Now without even blinking, you know her website is adorned with
photographs of – herself. Not pretty.

A Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

Well, considering the candidates, we don’t have to worry about them being
‘experts’ do we? “It’s the experts that are the problem” in regards to Brexit. Oh
Mikey, Mikey. Appalling inhumane voting record, caught out taking cocaine, and
lest we forget his brilliantly stupid position on how to solve the Brexit shambles.
Don’t let anyone who knows anything – and possibly everything – share their
advice and expertise. Oh for god’s sake. No one on the list could be trusted to
run a bath.

But. Don’t go unconscious – yet - this is good. Mikey now faces legal action
from Eco-Charity over
the post-Brexit deregulation of pesticides. Oh not the
environmental secretary!? Apparently Mikey is using ministerial powers to
“delete” regulations on dangerous, hazardous, toxic pesticides post-Brexit. Are
we to assume setting up for Donny’s trade deal to poison the UK? Mikey has
added a last-minute amendment to Brexit legislation which would “substantially
weaken” UK law and oversight of chemicals. Not exactly warming to him much,
are we?

Specifically, the charity is concerned about endocrine disrupting (EDC)
pesticides widely used in US farming. And the EU? Quelle surprise, the EU
refused to allow EDCs after the World Health Organisation warned the
substance is “suspected to be associated with altered reproductive function in
males and females; increased incidence of breast cancer, abnormal growth
patterns and neuro-developmental delays in children; as well as changes in
immune function”. Oh Mikey. Chem Trust says unless the legislation is amended
before exit day on October 31, UK laws will allow the use of EDCs. The man is a
total health hazard, and sooo much more/worse.

OK. They are all scarily, inexplicably in total denial – about all aspects of reality.
Massive tax-cuts, trade with the US, Irish border, even more austerity, the
ultimate prize of no-deal. Good ideas, no? All about winning, yes. Time to be
‘afraid, be very afraid…. And the two incompetent, dishonest, ego-maniacal
blonds separated at birth? How soon before Boris says to Donny: “
Just call me
Al!?


Don’t Bite the Hand that Feeds You

All right. When was the last time someone fed you – put food in your mouth?
Literally. Right. You (hopefully) don’t remember because you were just a baby.
Well, now you can pay someone to do it. Ew! Ew repeated!

A new sushi pop-up has the staff popping (I know, I know) raw fish in your
“open wide now” mouth. Panicking at the very thought of a slightly too big
California roll shoved in via ‘expertly’ (?) manipulated chop sticks? You know
you are. Even ignoring those memories of your mum
pretending to fly an
airplane
. Always confusing - even then. And next there are the drinks. Aughhhh!
Now that is just too much. Look out! Here comes the beer bottle! Wondering if
from the beginning you can negotiate hand signals for: Stop! I’m choking! I can’t
swallow! You’re dribbling it down my shirt!

Evidently the waiters chat with you. Oh dear. This sounds a bit torturous as in
irrational fears of force feeding? I’m getting a take-away from Feng Sushi
instead.

If you actually want to experience this, it’s at the Hands Off! In Marylebone.

Missing a Trick

Missing you, Phoebe. Phoebe Waller-Bridge has moved on to James Bond as
you know and it is obvious. While Killing Eve is still good, entertaining, fun – but
a bit too much. A bit too –hmm – American audience favoured? Mannered, not
subtle, still clearly worth the watch, but Phoebe; come back.
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