Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
No Way To Treat a Lady - 8 August 2010

For the last few months luvvie, and ‘fantastically twee’ actress/scriptwriter/agony aunt/histrionic
Emma Thompson has been espousing her opinions on working women, the beloved Audrey
Hepburn, the too thin, ad inf to everybody not running in the opposite direction.

Blathering to the press about her new
My Fair Lady film script while on all fours at her induction
to the Hollywood Walk of Fame, ET revealed that the iconic Hepburn was "fantastically twee...
twee is whimsy without wit. It’s mimsy-mumsy sweetness without any kind of bite. And that's not
for me."

Hepburn couldn't "sing and she can't (Audrey died in 1993) really act, I'm afraid. I'm sure she
was a delightful woman - and perhaps if I had known her I would have enjoyed her acting more,
but I don't and I didn't, so that's all there is to it, really."

Her PA clearly unable to stuff her mouth with a sock, Thompson went on to inform
Variety: "I
don't do Audrey Hepburn (seriously, as if Emma ever could; no charm, no charity work, no
manners, no Givenchy). I think that she's a guy thing (erm, a universally acknowledged style icon
a guy thing...really). I'm sure she was this charming lady, but I didn't think she was a very good
actress. It's high time that the extraordinary role of Eliza was reinterpreted, because it's a very
fantastic part for a woman (very fantastic then)." Audrey’s more authentic replacement is Carey
Mulligan, British actress transformed into Hollywood starlet who was Oscar-nominated for

ET’s dancing round, playing air guitar, general exhibitionism and a curious Freudian couch
position had US talk show host, Jay Leno, speechless; he couldn’t have gotten a word in with a
spike and mallet – although either tool would have been tempting to use.

Self-deluded rock star, ET acted out scenes from her upcoming movie
Nanny McPhee Returns
by repeatedly messing up her coiffed hair, throwing herself on the sofa, speaking in tongues –
well, not exactly – evidently in an exaggerated drawl -  about her life with actor/husband/seven
years younger Greg Wise. I’m exhausted imaging it all.

ET has been nattering on to the US
Good Housekeeping magazine (oh the irony) about women
and their inability to have a perfect career and family...like she has. “I don't want your
(housekeeping) readers ever to think they have to have it all. I think that's a revolting concept. It's
so false!”  ET pontificated that the only way to manage motherhood and a full-time job was by
enlisting hired help, something she insisted she just won't do. Dahling. Get a cleaner. Get your
husband off the sofa. And - what ‘full-time’ job exactly?

ET so impressed actress Maggie Gyllenhaal, with whom she stars in
Nanny Mcphee Returns,
that the actress is going to put her husband actor Peter Sarsgaard, with whom she has a three-
year-old daughter, first. So much for the devotion of motherhood.

Maggie revealed: 'Emma, you kind of gave me the idea that a part of my life, a part of my mind,
has to be devoted to my husband. My mother's generation has been bucking against that, but
I've just been finding so much pleasure in sacrificing sometimes for my husband - going to where
he's working and tidying up his trailer because he couldn't manage to do it, and bringing him
things that will make him feel better, and being a wife in a more classical way. It feels really right
to me.'

Help. I have totally lost the will to live. Perhaps Maggie might consider giving up the self-
centred/self-absorbed world of acting to become a Mormon.

A few months back ET was mouthing off about skinny actresses-models-people: “Put on weight
and say fuck off. Demand bigger sizes. Go into places where you can't get a 38D bra and say, ‘I
want a 38D bra and give me one. If you can't, I am never coming here again!"' Was she referring
to implants or the obese?

ET has made the decision that her ten year old is permitted to wear high heels when out on the
red carpet. She wants the child to know how to wear them when she grows up. The woman is
seriously close to having her brain donated to science.

I wonder if ET has taken to emulating Gwyneth as of late; way too much free time, way too
much courting of the press, way too much information thank you. My fair lady she clearly isn’t.