9 September 2017
Do You Want to Know a Secret...

Oh those Tories. What are they up to this week? A Tory power grab? Oh surely
not. Not the Tories. Not the Tories whose modus operandi is lie, lie, lie - hide,
hide, hide…all plans and strategies, not themselves of course. Although picturing
Theresa, David, Boris, Liam hiding in storage rooms, under desks is an amusing
image. No?

So the latest attempt is primary legislation that will bypass the Parliament and
give the duplicitous Tories total control and power over the decisions. Now
there's a good idea. They keep saying they must hurry. Hurry? Why now? It
never bothered them before.

Considering what a right mess they have made of Brexit negotiations and all
legislation that affects daily life, let’s all cheer the installing of a plutocracy. I’m
not hearing any. Oh there’s a cheer. It must be Theresa. “I’m in power! I decide
everything! I want total autonomy and anyone who doesn’t agree will be – erm –
convinced they should. Philip can be very persuasive.”

Theresa wants BBC Radio Test Match listeners to know, as she watched a
cricket match at Lord’s (she loves cricket don’t you know – did we?), that she
“gets frustrated” when people describe her as “robotic.” “I don’t think I am the
least bit robotic,” she said robotically. Remember Theresa’s sobriquet, the
“Maybot”, during the June election. Accused of being stilted, stiff, mannered,
awkward, graceless in her repetitive campaign appearances. In other words: a

“I am Theresa May. I do things my way”, when compared to Margaret Thatcher.
No mention of Frank. Sinatra of course. Remember she told us girls have girl
jobs and boys have boy jobs. “I am a woman. I can multi-task.” So what did the
woman do next? She handed out chocolate brownies to the commenting team
telling them, if they hadn’t been sufficiently impressed by her self-absorption that
those treats were “made with my own fair hands.” Fair hands? A fair shake? I
think not, Theresa.

All in Vain?

We are not amused. The Queen is not a happy bunny according a butler who
has worked for the Royal Family for more than 10 years. He said: “Her Majesty
and Prince of Wales did not know she (Meghan Markle) was doing this
interview. I know Her Majesty and the Prince of Wales are not happy with her.
They both had a meeting at the castle (Balmoral) and Prince of Wales phoned
his son Prince Harry. It is very serious.” This reported in the Daily Star Online. I
know, I know. But it is appropriate considering.

The latest edition of Vanity Fair has headlined ‘Meghan Markle, Wild About
Harry!’ from her very own words: "I'm sure there will be a time when we will have
to come forward and present ourselves (to the Queen?) and have stories to tell
(yawn), but I hope what people will understand is that this is our time. This is for
us. It’s part of what makes it so special, that it’s just ours (what’s ‘ours’?). But
we're happy. Personally, I love a great love story (oh dear).” Quite. I’m thinking
she could start her new blog: easy steps to becoming a princess in less than 12

“Nothing about me changed. I'm still the same person that I am (what?), and I've
never defined myself by my relationship (well, now you are)."

Oh dear me. Must we be reminded of her now defunct life-style blog where she
suggested you, the reader that is, need to keep a bottle of bubbles - yes, she did
write that – for when people stop by. She meant champagne, not bath oil then?
Or was it Pippa who wrote that in her blog? It’s all so confusing as they are
interchangeable. Oh right. Pippa told us to tie a ribbon on Christmas presents.

Last month, newly elected Labour MP for Kensington, Emma Dent Coad, had
said she thought the Middletons, including Ex-Waity now taking up Kensington
Palace, were the Kardashians of the UK. She also once drew on a poster of
Boris. Now seriously, how much do we love this woman? Let me help here:

Back to the royals. Royal commentator Richard Fitzwilliams has said that even
with the royals taking ‘a fresh approach to the media’, (manipulating it? Oh
surely not) Markle could “be running before she walks. It has the feel of being
designed for an American audience to further Meghan's career and has rightly
been met with considerable scepticism here." Really?

Royal experts are advising the TV star to "zip her lip a bit" as she is making
Harry's demand for total privacy in November 2016 look "ridiculous". Remember
when he was going to hire ‘protection’ for her and her whole family? Surely not
at our expense.

No worries. Meghan is just fine regardless of all the pressures of the greatest
love story ever told. It has “brought challenges”. Indeed. “It comes in waves –
some days it can feel more challenging than others.” Or was she referring to her
acting career?

Personally I love a great love story especially when it involves a princess.
Joking. Really joking.

That’s My Girl

“I’m cancelling my John Lewis card. How dare they remove gender labels from
their children’s clothing. Girls are born to love mirrors, makeup, high heels, pink,
princess outfits. My little princess has her own makeup box. I insist she wear
makeup every day. I’m so proud and she’s only four. I have years to mould her
into a Stepford wife.

And boys? Well, they are born to have fun, to be aggressive, to bully, to love
guns and knives and grow up to kill people. They need those scary monster T-
shirts to remind them of their genetic obligations. They are in charge and born
stronger than weak little girls. We need them because we don’t have any ideas
of our own and need to be told what to do and what to think. Boys will be boys
don’t you know.”

About eighteen months ago, the store redesigned its labels – for children up to
the age of 14 – to read “boys and girls” or “girls and boys”.

Good Morning Britain idiot, I mean presenter Piers Morgan said on the show:
“Can we call it John Lewis any more or does it have to be Joan Lewis?” You
said it, Piers. Joan. Or will that now be a boy’s name?

More bad news for those with very small brains. A secondary school, Priory
School in Lewes, East Sussex, has introduced the policy to make the uniform
the same for all students, regardless of gender, thus banning girls from wearing
skirts in a bid to make its uniform gender neutral. Teachers hope it will make
things "fairer for transgender pupils and eliminate complaints over the decency
of short skirts".

If you recall, last June around 30 boys at a school in Exeter wore plaid skirts to
class instead of grey trousers in protest at a no-shorts policy during the summer

Oh Piers. Girls in trousers, boys in skirts. Where will it all end. No doubt you will
tell us.

Uh oh. Pay attention here. For a period of 800 years, 4,000 years ago, the
transition from Neolithic to Early Bronze Age women – I repeat women – were
responsible for the exchange of cultural artefacts and ideas “promoting new
inventions and new technologies”. And how did they do that? They set out on
expeditions. They were the adventurers. Men stayed by the hearth. Men stayed
in the place of their birth. So it wasn’t as previously assumed that men led the
group migrations, women following along. Women are being called the queens,
not princesses of the stone age. These findings were published in journal
Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Aha.

German Unification

Surely we would be remiss if we weren’t searching for Nige, wouldn’t we?
Where oh where is Nige this week? Oh there, in Germany. Nige was in
Germany naturally, speaking at an election rally in Berlin for the anti-immigration
Alternative for Germany a far-right party, naturally.

He shared a stage with – a ‘personal invitation’ from German MEP Beatrix von
Storch - the granddaughter of Hitler’s finance minister Lutz von Krosigk. She
has said migrants should be shot. Do we assume Nige agrees? Von Storch’s
party is calling for a referendum on Germany's EU membership. She praised
Nige for "showing that doing the impossible is possible". Well, he did receive a
standing ovation.

Will our Nige make his way to the German town of Völklingen where a candidate
for the extreme-right, anti-immigrant NPD party is running for mayor? Oh why
not. The candidate was asked in jest (see Germans do have a sense of humour)
what he would do about all the Arabic numerals on local houses. In all seriously,
he said: “Just wait until I am mayor. I will change that. Then there will be normal
numbers.” Sometimes you just want to hit your head against the wall saying:
“Wake up. Wake up! I’m having a nightmare! Help!” Unfortunately, you’re not.
The AFD is expected to win its first parliamentary seats in the Bundestag in the
upcoming election. Thank you, Nige.
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