|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
29 May 2017
|Just Call Me Mummy
The Ipsos Mori pollster asked which of the party leaders would make ‘the most
capable prime minister’. Their report: “A score of 61 per cent is the highest we
have seen since we started asking (in 1979) ... Fifty-six per cent say they are
satisfied with Ms May (up 4 points from March)…Theresa May is more popular
than either Margaret Thatcher or Tony Blair were during their best years”.
Thatcher’s was 48 per cent in 1983, while Blair was 52 per cent in 2001.
61 per cent? 61 per cent of the country are certifiable idiots then? Evidently so if
this is the percentage Theresa is ahead. Are these people being programmed
through their iPads? Through their TVs? This is madness. The non-elected PM
who breaks promises, avoids all questions and repeatedly lies. Oh. And is totally
devoid of any personality. Good choice.
Now she is becoming robotic. Well, actually wasn’t she always? “Safe and
secure, safe and secure, safe and secure, safe and secure, safe and secure,
safe and secure, safe and secure, safe and secure, safe and"…satiated yet?
Oh. You are already repeating it on the tube, in a queue and probably in your
sleep. Next you’ll be clasping hands together in honour of that infamous hand-
holding episode, eyes glazed over and singing in front of John Lewis. “Safe and
secure, safe and secure, safe and secure…”; brainwashing technique? Surely
not. One woman interviewed on the street said Theresa was “calm and cute”.
What!? Calculating and callous, darling. “Cute?” – with that snarling mouth?
Well, until another of Lynton Crosby’s clever (not) mantras is created, I mean
revived from CallMeDave’s campaign, this is the one Theresa will repeat on tape
until she and Lynton are convinced that they have reduced the peasants into
submission – which isn’t far off is it? Patronising? Never.
And Theresa’s latest - erm – quote? First on TV, then campaigning around the
country, she said: “We want to lead the world in preventing tourism, but also in
fighting against modern slavery” setting out her vision of post-Brexit. No worries
Theresa. Tourism is already down (we assume she meant terrorism). Her latest
gaffe, to date that is, came during a visit to an (empty) factory in Clay Cross,
Derbyshire, when she appeared to have no clue where she was. In one TV
interview Theresa struggled for the name of the town, so she (ha) ad libbed: “I’m
pleased to come to er…um…this particular town.” Theresa. Clue: write it on our
hand. Wait. Don’t. We like all these gaffes; ‘death by a thousand cuts’? Cuts?
Lynton must have had a mini-temper tantrum. “This doesn’t happen in Australia.
We know how to be proper racists homophobic misogynists. Look at our
conservative government. We don’t make mistakes. And we ship those unwanted
immigrants to an island where they can’t escape. Like a penal colony. We don’t
let them land on our land. You should be inspired.”
Oh you did know some MPs have taken to calling Theresa – ‘mummy’. Now that
is truly Freudian-frightening, and seriously creepy. What will Lynton do with that?
Brexit Spoiler Alert: The most recent poll in the Times showed that, for the first
time since the referendum, more people are opposed to Brexit. Really.
Oh I know you may have already done the inevitable eye-rolling in response to
Boris. As Foreign Secretary, Boris has been touring the broadcasting studios to
amuse himself with his view of Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn. “A mutton-headed, old
mugwump”. Oh Boris. How old are you? 12? This is the best you could do?
Where’s the Latin, Boris?
The i gave us several options of the meaning of ‘mugwamp’, but let’s do one:
‘Great chief’. Ha ha. In fact, the first recorded use of “mugwump” occurred
some 350 years ago with the first translation of the bible into native American
language by a British puritan missionary who had been told it signified “great
chief” or “war leader”. Hmmmm. Clearly Boris was unaware.
Moving on from kindergarten antics, to kindergarten budgets. Let’s have an
example of Tory toffs’ decision-making for some schools. £8,000 for changing a
single blind. Yes. You read it right. A sink, as surely you are curious, will be
£2,000. Now what could this be about? The big ‘p’ word: privatisation. It's the
Tories handing out contracts to totally inefficient, money grabbing companies
with profits as the only motivation. PFI, Private Financial Initiatives have been
tying schools to Machiavellian contracts for ever. What’s not to like? Everyone
CallMeDave’s still out and about stuffing his pockets with cash continuing to
declare the referendum has ended the “poisoning” of British politics. Isn’t it
fascinating, well, not fascinating, more annoyingly curious that the Tories live in
a reality that only consists of themselves. Do you suppose while they enjoy
colluding, lying, living in delusion, they are all laughing together at the sheer
stupidity and gullibility of the serfs? Back to CMD and his latest purchase with all
that cash. A £25,000 shed. In your face? Oh Dave. So classy. Class? The point
innit? Just what I’ve been saying – oh those toffs.
Putting political life in perspective, here are the donors who have splashed their
cash on assuring Brexit would win that massive majority of 51 per cent. Ah
Five of the UK’s richest businessmen contributed £15m out of a total £24.1m
given to Leave campaigns in the five months before the referendum.
Time to name and shame, although you just know they are not capable of
experiencing shame: ex-Ukip donor, Leave.EU’s Arron Banks, Crystal Palace co-
owner Jeremy Hosking, investment billionaire Peter Hargreaves, motoring
entrepreneur Robert Edmiston and hedge fund manager Crispin Odey.
The Electoral Commission said it was looking into whether the Brexit-supporting
campaign had taken “impermissible” donations and that there were “reasonable
grounds to suspect that potential offences” may have been committed by the
campaign. Blah, blah, blah.
Four minutes. It took four minutes for the 27 EU leaders meeting in Brussels to
unanimously agreed their Brexit guidelines strategy. Donald Tusk declared it was
important to stay united. Key issues: the cash Britain will have to pay up when it
leaves - and the future of EU citizens in the UK and British expats abroad. He
said it made no difference who was elected prime minister. Goodness me.
We're waiting for the mantra robotic Theresa will now adopt? Oh Lyntonnnnn.
We’re waiting. Actually you know we aren’t.
Who Crossed the Line?
Did you guess? Did you know all along? Line of Duty returns. We can’t wait. All
those balaclava men… did Hilton commit suicide really? Why didn't Lakewell
chose witness protection? How did Roz do her hair with one hand?