LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
16 June 2018
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I Win, You Lose

If you are not keeping up with the embarrassing Brexit shambles, debacle,
fiasco – not a bad choice really - Theresa wants it all done and dusted within 12
minutes. All right. Possibly 15. Rebels, rebellion, resignations, riotous behaviour.
If only they would have an effect. Mainly it’s a matter of betrayal. Yes, Theresa
doing the ideological deed. No surprise there.

If you are not mind-numbingly bored, you will be. Count the minutes. At the last
minute, Theresa reneged on her promises to give MPs a meaningful vote on the
final Brexit deal. Literally; last minute. Duping those who were silly enough to
trust her. Oh Theresa. MPs would merely be able to ‘consider’ whatever
statement the government made without being able to amend it. Isn’t there a law?
Well, there should be.

So. What next? The House of Lords plans to reinsert Dominic Grieve’s original
text when the Bill returns to them on Monday. Next? This will then be put before
the Commons once more on Wednesday, as what has been called the
parliamentary “ping pong” process, or as Buffoon Boris might say – “wiff-waff”.
The difference this time is surely that Theresa has lost any/all the trust of her pro-
European backbenchers.

So the choice is: World Cup vs Brexit betrayals. A choice? Not really. Even
though we know England doesn’t have a chance. But Ronaldo – words fail – all
right –just brilliant.

Out of House and Home

A year on, out of the 303 households who were left traumatised, bereft and
homeless after the Grenfell tragedy, 52 are in temporary shelter, 69 in hotels
and hostels. Over 90 percent have been offered new homes and accepted –
homes with health issues such as gas, mould, fire-safety concerns. Really! Insult
to injury? Worse.  Theresa promised the survivors they would be “rehoused
within three weeks”. Really!

And lest we forget, Theresa refused to meet with community members in the
hours after the horrific fire. “Security concerns” was the excuse. What!? Even
the Queen met survivors…the Queen and Charles. Theresa has tried to offer up
some sort of mea culpa on the anniversary, as in – “oh sorry”. She was lunching
with bankers while tributes were being held marking the day. Theresa ‘promises’
to ‘find justice’. Really!

August 2017, less than two months after the Grenfell fire, one of our favourite
‘journalists’, Isabel Oakeshott wrote: “My position is that benefit claimants have
no basic entitlement to state support to live in the most desirable areas of
London.”

You know, the endearingly empathetic writer who makes the word ‘smug’ totally
benign, the one who talks over, sneers, tuts, interrupts, displays utter repulsion
and superiority towards any woman who has any liberal learnings – and who is
clearly more intelligent and knowledgeable. That one. Note body language by the
way.

What else has IO been up to? Well, for one, she has been hiding the notes on
Aaron Banks. Arron Banks – I know – yawn - who ran the Leave EU campaign
group and was the biggest donor in British political history. Impressive.

In his book, The Bad Boys of Brexit – ghost written by IO – Banks says that in
2015 he decided to spend millions of pounds on influencing British politics
because “my businesses in this country and overseas, where I own a number of
diamond mines, were doing really well.”  Sometimes life give the impression it’s
a comedy. Although, not funny.

And then there’s that Russia collusion Banks who was secretly in regular contact
with Russian officials from 2015 to 2017. Oh look. Here enters Oakeshott. Step
back. She is scary. She says she did not discover the extent of Banks’ true
dealings with Russia until last year. Oh please….making us laugh out loud and I
had just said the comedy wasn’t funny.

She claims the Brexit vote was not influenced by Russia or Cambridge Analytics
or her words: “conspiracy theories”. Right. A pity she was caught out by Carole
Cadwalladr from The Observer. Ah. “There just isn’t a conspiracy here, Carole, I
just feel like you’re chasing unicorns.” IO was granted access to Banks’ emails
in the summer of 2016 in order to help draft the diaries.

Once ‘discovered’ -  she decided not to publish saying she wanted to wait until
the publication of her next book White Flag, out in August. Oh, did I forget to
mention ruthless? Well, I am now. Oh, did I forget to mention she is a rabid
Brexiteer, close to – oh dear oh dear – Nige. Now not even Farage’s wife is
close to him. Understandably. Nige is reportedly a “person of interest” in the
FBI's Trump-Russia investigation. Could be amusing. But “unicorns”? IO? OK.
OK. We’re all bored with this aren’t we? Although you could smile every time
you see IO pushily pontificating on TV. Or just change the channel.

Did I forget to mention IO’s husband, Nigel (really) Rosser works for New
Century Media, which happens to include a Moscow-based nuclear energy
organisation, it’s director is ‘a close friend’ to Putin? I thought not.

Oh, not quite finished thanks to Popbitch: “What does one do with the money
you get from writing a book about the sitting prime minister shagging a dead
pig's mouth? We can't speak for Lord Ashcroft, but word around Fleet Street is
that Isabel Oakeshott put a bit of her pigfucking funds towards a particular
cosmetic operation. "So what?" you might think. "It's her money, it's her body,
it's her choice." We completely agree. We only mention it to say: if she hasn't
called her new tits Pinky and Perky, she's really missed a trick.” Just saying.
Well, they were.

Back to Banks. I know, I know. I’m slipping into a coma as well. Nevertheless, 12
June, Banks and communications director Andy Wigmore were questioned for
nearly five hours by the Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) committee
examining fake news. Banks was evidently “garrulous, boastful and
contemptuous” when he appeared to answer MPs’ questions, “in keeping with
character”. Oh you know you aren’t surprised at all. As usual, he and Wigmore
won via evasion. Inept interrogators yet again. I quit.

Skirting the Issue

WTF! No really. WTF! 71 year-old – slightly wizened – couldn’t resist – Tory MP
Christopher Chope – remember the name - has single-handedly stopped the bill
on ‘upskirting’.

He has a history of filibusting of bills for people who need protected. So what did
Theresa do? Knighted him. Five other major bills were blocked due to the
outrageous behaviour of Chope and his friend, fat-faced beaming MP Philip
Davies who filibustered a bill designed to prevent excessive force being used
against mental health patients.

Sir Chope apparently doesn’t like private member’s bills when they aren’t his.
Ahh, so sorry, Sir Chris. He proposed 47 of his very own just last year.

Here are a few – just a few – of the other bills Sir Chris consistently voted
against: equal gay rights…voted against the hunting ban…voted against laws to
promote equality and human rights…voted against paying higher benefits over
longer periods for those unable to work due to illness or disability…voted against
allowing marriage between two people of same sex…voted against measures to
prevent climate change…voted against removing hereditary peers from the
House of Lords…voted for mass surveillance of people’s communications and
activities. And he also voted against giving Alan Turing a pardon. Wait! Now we
really, really don’t like him. Remember, in 2013, the Queen handed the brilliant
Turing a pardon.

Delaying the bill until July, now how many more ‘upskirting’ photos – with
summer et al, short skirts – will there be? There were alleged victims as young
as 10 and incidents in cafes and restaurants. Those two idiots are a criminal
offence.

He said he wasn’t “really sure what upskirting is”, what, even after spending
hours of having it explained to him? His response: he shouted “object”!, when
the deputy speaker Lindsay Hoyle read out the name of the bill.

Perhaps we should explain it to him by letting him experience it. Wouldn’t it be
satisfying if 100,000 signatures meant Mr Chope, excuse me, Sir Chope and
Phil were ordered to wear tiny, tiny skirts sans knickers and spend the four
hours they spent undermining the bill, going up escalators in public places. No
kilts allowed. Scotland has banned the practice.

Theresa is “disappointed”. Not as much as we are, Theresa. So, what are you
going to do about it, eh, Theresa? 'Un-knight’ him? Oh right. Nothing. As you do.
He regards many, or clearly most, private members' bills as "politically correct,
nanny state nonsense seeking to meddle in people's lives and curb their
personal freedom". Such as the mass surveillance you voted for then, Chris?
What a vile little old man.

Back to what he voted for: reinstatement of the death penalty…a face covering
ban that would include burkas…diminishing sexual impropriety laws in the
workplace…wait – it gets even better: the bank holiday in late August to be
known as Margaret Thatcher Day. Remember the name: he was involved in the
expenses scandal.

And if he isn’t hideous enough, Phil was proud to join Sir Chris in 2017 to vote
against/filifbustering: a bill making it necessary to provide first aid training to
school kids…a bill that would require landlords to make homes fit for human
habitation, him being a private landlord himself…bill designed to reverse attempts
to privatise the NHS…oh and also unsuccessfully, ha, attempted to filibuster a
bill designed to protect women against violence. Despicable? So much worse.
And the media coverage over the boys, yes, these boys, and upskirting?
Excuses, excuses, excuses. Disgraceful – SKY and BBC – quelle surprise.

Open Secret

AI expert, ‘the father of modern AI’, Jurgen Schmidhuber, is thrilled at the
prospect of people forming emotional relationships with computers. He is certain
people will feel confident confessing to human-sounding robots – and why
exactly? Because they will keep their secrets. Don’t priests do that already? “I
killed twelve local cats and enjoyed every minute. Gingers are my favourites. Let
me tell you the details. First I…”

He likes the idea of humanoids bought just for fun. ‘Dolls’ are now available for at
least £7000. Firstly he suggests: they will be “extremely beautiful or have
exaggerated features”. Then he moves on: because they will be working, they
would have 10 arms. One of these will be sitting next to you.” Yikes. “It will take
only 50 years and you will have little devices that can compute as much as 10
billion human brains taken together.” Does that mean we can eliminate the idiots
that make up the Tory party then?

AI researchers at MIT are busy creating an AI that is purposefully psychopathic.
The AI is named Norman. Yes, yes, that Norman Bates. So it’s psychos creating
psychos then. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Sigh

When given a Rorsach test, the image was: “A person is holding an umbrella in
the air.” Norman ‘saw’: A man is shot dead in front of his screaming wife”. This
looks promising….

The Wrong Stuff

Oh dear. Where to begin? If you work from home, are hiding from your ex,
under the duvet unwell, then you may have discovered The Wright Stuff on
channel 5 every weekday morning for two hours, while changing channels of
course.

4,000 Wright Stuffs, over 20,000 phone-ins, 18 years and Matthew Wright is off
to find other ways to annoy us.

If you look forward to wearing identical onesies with your partner, with your dog-
as-baby-substitute all in bed together every night, then Matthew Wright was the
right man for you. This of course is an image you might want to erase
permanently, but Matthew won’t let you; he loves repeating it and repeating it
and…oh you know the rest.

Ah Matthew. The notably neurotic, nasty narcissist – with the maturity of a newt.
Oh dear. Not fair on the newt is it? Here’s a list of his irritating habits. He never
stopped talking, he interrupted his guests continuously, he talked over his
guests, he hung up on his callers, and possibly the worst, he found himself
(insufferably) amusing – he wasn’t, he isn’t. He did some sort of unidentifiable
guttural guffawing sound while self-amused, he pulled hideous faces. I only
watched when Yasmin Alibi-Brown covered the papers. No really. And she would
tell him to “shut up”. All Out Politics was a reprieve.

Now that he is gone – until he pops up again on telly – oh no – no need to
mention his obsession with men being abused, disdain for children and the
people who have them, aligning himself with Croydon, but possibly he dropped
that when it was discovered that he has lived in Primrose Hill for more than 17
years. Oh oops. Oh Matthew. So down with the workers. Curiously he name-
dropped his unfathomable number of ‘friends’ a lot; they are inevitably working
class. Right. Or really, wright. Jeremy Vine will replace him in September.
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