LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
8 July 2016
I Will Be With You Whatever

Not exactly. Seven years, 150 witnesses, £10 million, 2.6m-word-long, and we
finally have the proof of what we knew already via the Chilcot Report. Blair
played his ‘poodle’ role perfectly and Bush had no plans at all and knew nothing
about the area. “Is it as big as Texas?” “Huh? Tribes? You mean like Native
Americans? No problemo. We’ll just slaughter ‘em.”

Can’t you just picture the Bush Boy and Poodle Blair arm in arm singing as
‘committed’ Christians: “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war. With the
cross of Jesus going on before. Onward then, ye people, join our happy throng.
Blend with ours your voices in a triumph song…” “Hey, Bro. Did you just hear
Jesus telling us to go to war?”

The massive report reveals Tory-in-Labour-clothing-Tony was plotting military
action against Iraq less than three months after the 9/11. In 2002 Blair wrote to
Bush: “I will be with you whatever” or (doing a Sally Field) “You like me. You
reeeallly, reeeallly like me!”

The report shows dodgy-dossier-Tony told Bush they must devise a ‘clever plan’
to depose Saddam and then plotted to ‘soften up’ the public with propaganda. As
you do. Tony wanted to use the war to create a new ‘world order’. Now how
sinister does that sound? Let me assist here: very! Weapons of mass
destruction? Oh right. Those of the US and the UK then.

In 2000, the Iraqi government announced that it was no longer going to accept
dollars for oil sold under the UN’s Oil For-Food Programme and had decided to
switch to the euro as Iraq’s oil export currency. Not a good move was it?

We all knew the invasion had to do with gaining control over Iraq’s oil reserves
and thus maintaining the US dollar as the dominant currency for the international
oil market. And let’s not forget the oil deals. And then there is weapons expert Dr
David Kelly’s ‘mysterious’ death…just saying. Finally it’s all on paper: twelve
volumes actually. Read it and weep.


And the Winner Is

Not us. With the rush to the far right, so far right that it metaphorically
disappears in the distance, the Brexit Tories are determined to drive us off the
cliff. They would sell their dog…their gran…their soul – oh oops – they have
done that already. The very thought of any of them as PM is so frightening…and
we thought CallMeDave and Georgie Boy were scary…. Thanks Dave.

A few Tory tales: Gove has artificial grass - says it all, Dave is said to be taking
up fox hunting again - oh joy, and SamCam can now proudly carry her
extravagantly expensive handbags rather than having an aid surreptitiously doing
so. Ah. Free at last.

Not quite so amusing: UKIP backed Leadsom championed fracking, will overturn
the fox hunting ban (I know, it never really was enforced properly was it, Dave?
However…), tweeted about the "country overrun by foreigners" (now gone
‘missing’ and thus denied), she literally lied on her CV in regards to her banking
experience (as reported by a former colleague), actually announced “Brexit
would not have an economic impact…Mark Carney was “talking nonsense” (the
woman is either deluded, a fantasist or an idiot – or all; your choice).

She wants to remove the minimum wage and employment rights, to overturn
maternity rights. Oh stop here!  
The Times has Leadsom on tape saying she is
more suitable because she is a mother and May isn’t. Naughty mummy. Nasty
mummy. You surely are saying “how low can you go, Andrea?” Surprisingly she
has frantically denied it – like her CV. Not looking good is it?

As a ‘committed’ fundamentalist Christian she’s anti-gay, as you are. Oh the
best? She hasn’t denied God speaks to her directly. Do I really have to say “OH
MY GOD”! here? Is this the reason she has a disturbingly perpetual smile on her
face? Well, I’m waiting…no divinely delivered words to me so far.

And as for May? Responsible for those “Go Home!” banners and has hinted all
three million EU National ‘foreigners’ (foreign as a euphemism for criminals) will
be gathered up and deported - en masse surely. She is against gay adoption –
another ‘Christian’ decision, is determined to push through the ‘snooper's
charter’, culling badgers – now that is just not on is it? Not the badgers!

One is (oh dear god) religious and rigid in her thinking, the other is fanatically
religious (oh save us) and wants to bring back some film fantasy from the 50’s.
Revengeful vs regressive. So much for feminism. Oh yes, of the 150,000
members, 60 percent are male, whose average age is 59. Oh God! We will have
to suffer until they vote 9 September. Oh God!

OK. Are we having fun yet? Well, goodness me, things will get even messier.
May and Leadsom have promised “strong leadership in negotiating Brexit”. Stop.
Britain has effectively outsourced trade negotiations to the EU for over 40 years.
And you may have guessed, we will have to figure it all out and we have no idea
how to. We’ll have to hire ‘those foreigners’. Wait. Why am I saying ‘we’. I voted
to remain.


I’m too Sexy for my T-shirt

The media coverage of ‘Hiddleswift’ or the Tom’nTaylor romance – oh did I say
that? – I meant act is exhausting. Every day they are photographed entwined,
embracing, giggling, kissing couple. They wear co-ordinated outfits. Arghhh!
Who does that? Yuck.

Nothing to do with her new video then? Or his obvious determination to become
the new Bond. Oh Tom. And we had reeeallly, reeeallly liked you, and then you
did that cringe-worthy display at an American Independence Day beach party –
oh Tom! Celebrating 4th of July in the US? Oh Tom! Holding her hand down an
inflatable slide was excruciating enough, but that embarrassing vest – oh Tom! -
so not a good look…so not a good choice.


You Really, Really Like Me

A minute of political relief: Who knew? Your new loving pet could be a goat. No
really. Goats are as in tune with their owners as our favourites - dogs and
horses. No mention of cats you’ll notice. They have the same ability to read cues
from humans.

“Goats gaze (not only graze) at humans in the same way as dogs do when
asking for a treat that is out of reach, for example”, says leading author of a
study at Queen Mary University of London, Dr Christian Nawroth. He’s pictured
with a goat lovingly resting on his shoulder with a gaze of delight and
contentment. No really. His co-author, Dr Alan McElligott, reminds us that they
were not domesticated like dogs and horses. Surely you’re impressed here. But
before you rush out to bond with a goat, the RSPCA has a caveat: “Owning a
goat is a big commitment and can be very time-consuming.” But hardly a
surprise is it? Goat owners say they smell, Oh dear. Don’t let them know.


Help is at Hand

A bit of irony. Waterstones’s bookshop in Notting Hill now shelves books on
Brexit with self-help guides to grief. Oh – ‘what’s not to love’ doesn’t express it
does it? Brilliant does though. But don’t expect Ringo to be weeping quietly in the
corner. He is a fervent Brexit supporter. Yes. The very same Ringo who has
lived in ‘what’s the EU?’ LA for most of his life. Off the Christmas list, Ringo.
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