LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
17 April 2016
It's a Match

“Is that a whip in your hand or you just happy to see me? I’ve been a naughty
boy.”

Cultural Secretary John Whittingdale took his dominatrix girlfriend to the MTV
Awards in Amsterdam in 2013; two-nights, all-expense paid…as you do. At 56?
Oh really. Can you just image his musical taste – but why would you? He’s so
boring.

But curiously illegally breaching Parliamentary rules, he failed to declare this
outing on the House of Commons register of interests – despite then having an
influential ¬position as chairman of the Culture, Media and Sport select
committee – having declared attending similar events. Confused? Not really.
Labour’s Neil Coyle said: “It looks like he had something to hide. He needs to
consider his position.” Never!

The relationship took place before the divorced father-of-two became a minister
in May last year. The love match was terminated before he became the loathed
Cultural Secretary. It has been suggested that he did have feelings for her,
showing her off in public, etc until he clearly thought he’d be caught out and
dumped her. Nice.

Witless Whittingdale said: 'Between August 2013 and February 2014, I had a
relationship with someone who [sic] I first met through Match.com. She was a
similar age and lived close to me.” Now there’s a perfect match for you. The
man losses credibility by the minute.

I know, I know, witless W has the right to satisfy his sexual fetishes/degradation,
but clearly all is not quite right here. The press decided not to publish. In the
past they would have been all over it like a rash (ouch). OK, it gets better as you
just knew it would.

In 2010, when JW was chairman of the Commons culture committee, he
questioned Max Mosley about his involvement in his now notorious S&M scene
and said: “You are a public figure and you know the British press. You know the
appetite of the British press for stories of this kind. Had you not always felt this
was a time bomb that sooner or later was going to go off?”

Well then, clearly JW thought himself above the possibility as it has been now
reported that he showed Cabinet papers to a soft-porn actress and texted her a
picture from Chequers. I told you it would get better.

Stephanie Hudson, a former Playgirl model, Page 3 ‘model’ (along with her twin
became ‘famous’ – really), who starred in American cable TV show Hotel Erotica
– (now tell me he didn’t ‘know’ her occupation) says she met the Culture
Secretary online November 2013. Quess where? Right. Match.com.

She claims they had a two-year relationship and he knew her background and
thus took steps to keep their trysts secret. Stephanie says he showed her highly
sensitive documents over breakfast as well as photographed ministers at a
private meeting at Chequers [the Prime Minister's country residence], and then
secretly texted her the picture. Oh dear. Now this is getting very naughty and
whips and chains aren’t involved.

She said: "We had to be careful where we would go. When we went to
Parliament he would turn the lights off in the corridor to make sure no-one would
recognise who [sic] he was with."

They went to Parliament on a number of occasions. Stephanie said: "There was
sexual activity in his office there, but not full sex." Wait. Wasn’t the insatiable
naughty boy also seeing his dominatrix girlfriend at the same time? Clearly one
is not enough.

JW is also a member of Cornerstone - whose tagline is 'Faith, Flag and Family' -
a group of Conservative MP's 'dedicated to the traditional values'. Ah, what’s not
to love?

His department is known in Whitehall as the Ministry of Fun. Fun for whom
exactly? So this is culture for the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and
Sport – or is it sport?


Making Moves

And now for the bedroom. A Spanish company has created a hi-tech mattress
intended to tell the buyer whether their partner is being unfaithful in the conjugal
bed when left alone at home.

The slogan? “If your partner isn’t faithful, then at least your mattress will be.”
Comforting.

According to one of the engineers, Iván Miranda, who developed the Lover
Detection System, when the ultrasonic sensors inside the mattress detect
rhythmic movements, the communication system sends information to a server.
“If it detects suspicious activity regarding time of use, frequency, intensity or
speed, it sends a notification to the phone terminal with which it is linked."
Hmmm. No place to hide.

The company, Durmet, say the technology is so advanced that the suspicious
app user will be able to see in real time what parts of the bed are seeing the
most activity, giving him or her a mental picture of exactly what their partner is
up to. Not the dog then?

The cost of a basic double-bed size Smarttress is around £1,200.
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