LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
8 May 2016
Well, I'm a man, yes I am, and I can't help but love you
so...

Well, ‘love myself so’ that is. And how is that love expressed? Hair. Really. Hair.

Men are spending £85m a year on preening and perfecting their hair. Who
knew? Evidently celebrity hairdresser, Nicky Clarke knew. “Attitudes have
shifted…if you visit us [his Mayfair salon] early morning all the chairs will be
occupied by men.” Really.

Possibly you’ve already noticed – you may perhaps be one of the styling
product obsessives. But then you’d border on being pitifully competitive wouldn’t
you?

Personally, I can’t picture all that hair-styling going on after viewing the first
episode of the third series of Peaky Blinders; the haircuts you realise. As
previously, it’s compelling watching of course, including the haircuts.

Should we blame it on Rooney’s hair transplant? Oh let’s. And let’s not forget
James Nesbitt’s venture into hair transplanting, who even feels secure enough to
add what looks like a substantial toupee for his latest TV drama, The Secret.

Research has revealed 20 per cent of men use more – really, more – hair
styling product than women. Hang on. The best bit? They sort out their styling
dilemmas in the cloakroom, the gym, back streets – just kidding about
backstreets, but clearly anywhere they can apparently. We need to pay more
attention I’m thinking.

22 percent of all 16-24 year-olds go for heated implements: hair straighteners,
crimping tongs - crimping tongs? Imagine all those 16-24 year-olds who aren’t
admitting they are obsessed with their hair busy straightening or curling.

However, Ex-Waity wins hair down in regards to hair obsession. Yes, yes, she
is her hair, which is peculiarly bizarre. She and Wills play the “We are so, so
modern are we not?” and we so know they so so aren’t. Her anachronistic
ridiculously too long, too big, too bouncy hair clearly rules her life waaay ahead
of any maternal, royal duties. Aren’t we surprised the products that are used on
her massive hairdo aren’t leaked? Think of the sales increases. We discovered
she has that déclassé look created with déclassé 50’s rollers. Men: take note.

One [surely of many] prominent London coiffeur spoke for the others. “It’s awful.
A schoolgirl affectation – no wonder Vogue covered it with a hat.” The Queen is
also rumoured to favour a pruning. Don’t expect that anytime soon.

What would Grayson Perry say? For one, his hair is cool and modern. But his
attention is on men. The Turner Prize winner says a lot actually in his three-part
series, ‘What is a ‘Real Man?’’ Keep in mind he has been dressing as a
flamboyant female since he was 12. So presumably, he should know.

Perry also experienced the cultural shift to androgyny, punk, new romanticism.
Think high heels, fluffy hair, masses of eye makeup, fancy dress – ah – what
fun.

Grayson spent time with macho cage fighters and revealed why they chose a
‘sport’ that was so brutal. Best to watch it. Compassion-inducing really.

The biggest killer in the North-east is suicide. 80 per cent are male. Most under
45. 14 suicides a month. Oh dear. Not good.

He suggests it’s time for men to stop acting like ‘men’. I know. They could simply
act like humans. Although on second thought, possibly not. Corruption, greed,
torture, rape, hatred. Why not more like women – sans those bloody handbags
and high heels. Oops. Leave those to Grayson please.

He offers 12 steps to becoming a modern man. Number 12: Think about how
macho pursuits affect the world. “Just look at Isis and what it promises to those
young boys who go to fight. You’re in a group, there’s a clear goal - it’s a real
masculine adventure. There’s not much negotiation going on!”

Grayson created a banner and his emblematic ceramic pot representing
heroism, theatre, violence and death. All involved in the programme appeared
deeply moved, as was he.


Be Your Own Man

Oh Zac. Not only were you not elected the new London mayor, but your
campaign will live in London memories forever. Ugly, nasty, racist memories. Not
good, Zac.

Last summer Zac was 2/1 favourite to win; the man of the moment. What
happened? Notorious Australian election campaign guru, the hideous Lynton
Crosby. OK. When he manipulated the public, CallMeDave and Boris won, but
this time LC and his firm went too far. Even some Tories were shocked by the
overt racism. It was vicious and vile.

Zac wrote in the
Daily Mail that Sadiq Khan was “a friend of terrorism”. Pathetic,
even for Lynton. Or should I say, Sir Lynton. He has just been knighted for his
service to Britain – ‘political service’ that is. No really. Thank you Prince Charles.

Zac has some credible credentials which he seemed to ignore in favour of the
aggressive animosity he specifically chose to use to try to win the election. Not
such a classy act, Zac.

Sadiq’s father was a bus driver not a billionaire, his campaign operation was
overseen by Patrick Hennessy, an Old Etonian.  Hahaha. Who doesn’t love a bit
of clever mockery?

Even Mr PR PM CallMeDave did his best to ‘man up’ having turned from a
condescending misogynist into a foaming rabid dog at Prime Minister’s
Questions of late. Oh Dave, so unattractive. CMD came out spewing vitriol
against Sadiq. Rude/crude CallMeDave has yet to officially congratulate Sadiq  
on his victory in the London Mayoral race. It’s Dave showing his true very
unattractive, petty nature and lack of character. But we knew that already.

It’s being called “the most despicable Conservative Party campaign of modern
times” and down to the campaign stratagem of Sir Lynton. “It was openly racist.”
‘New men’? No. ‘Old’ men. Old ugly men.

Oh. Wait. Where was Labour leader Corbyn when Sadiq was being sworn in at
Southwick Cathedral? Oh right. In Bristol celebrating the Labour mayoral winner
there. He’s not doing himself any favours is he? Just in case you were
wondering, Sadiq won the largest ever…ever… personal vote in British politics;
1.3 milion votes. That makes Sadiq more powerful than Corbyn doesn’t it? Oh
Jeremy. ‘Man up’ by following Grayson’s 12 steps.
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