Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
Everybody Hurts - 15 February 2010

“I won!”
“No!
I won!”

The public seems to have decided that grief-stricken-Gordie has beat devastated-Dave in the
crying game/competition that will decide who takes office at the General Election.

“My son lived to be four years of age and he only died last year!”
“My daughter was premature, weighed a bit over two pounds and lived for ten days and died
eight years ago, so clearly I win!”
“My son suffered throughout his whole little life!”
“My daughter suffered throughout her whole little life!”
“My son lived longer!”
“My daughter had a better name. Ivan…what is that about?”

I thought I was watching a political satire of Britain’s Got Talent or The X Factor or From Pop
Star to Opera Star – all vehicles for self-pity and tearful begging with the obvious objective - to
win - but no; I was watching a totally transparent desperate attempt to make one skilled-spin-
master-coiffed-Blair-clone-domestic-god PR professional and one developmentally-arrested-
temper-tantrum-throwing-nail-biting-jaw-dropping-dithering incompetent getting in touch with their
interminably deep and deeply private…feelings. So that’s what they were…feelings. Is that
Barbra Streisand I hear in the background?

“But I have trained Sarah to have a perpetual look of anguish, despair and worry while your wife
has a perpetual smile annnnd my son has cystic fibrosis – incurable as you and the public know.”

“But you promised not to use and abuse your children. The ‘my children aren’t props - they’re
people’… aye Gordie….”

Unwilling to allow GB to have even five minutes of ‘why me’ time, DC played the voice-cracking-
tear-welling-up game when interviewed on Scottish TV the day after Scot GB smiled that pitiful
new ‘gosh’ smile, held back tears in his desperation to appear human for votes in his TV
interview with his good friend, Piers Morgan. Clearly not rehearsed then.

“Now Gordon. We’ll show loads of pictures of you as a fun-loving student and you tell me you
drank beer and I will ask if you did drugs and you will say never and I will ask you about you and
Sarah and you can tell me how you are so proud of her as you did in your last interview – try not
to make it sound as condescending as it is though. Are we on the same page here Gordie?”

“I will simply fix my face in my new smile and emit a few chortles now and then. I hope Dave will
be watching.”

With Dave and Gordon, Blair former spin-meister Alastair Campbell and England football (ex)
captain John Terry all vying for the honour of The Most Sensitive Sniveler, it might just be time to
create a new Bafta category.