|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
28 July 2018
|Hot Hot Hot
QUICKLY! Close the windows, draw the curtains, carry at least a dozen bottles
of water with you at all times as you walk through your flat/house, position
yourself in front of the open door of the fridge and if you dare to step out, splash
your face with one of the twelve bottles of water you are carrying every ten
minutes. Or you will die.
If you don’t follow the government’s instructions – you could be dead from the
heat. You know, the exact same weather conditions you go on holiday for after
praying it will be hot and sunny. Madness. Oh right. That is the result of too
much hot and sunny weather. “Though this be madness, yet there is method
in't.” I know. Taking artistic license here. Don’t worry. The ‘method’ will make
you even hotter…and madder. Tubes will be air-conditioned by – wait – ready?
2030! If you live that long. And by 2040, we could get hot summers.
And how did the BBC cover the heatwave? As the Met Office’s chief scientist,
Prof Stephen Belcher gave an expert’s opinion about the reasons behind
soaring temperatures in Europe and around the world on BBC Newsnight. After
the broadcast, the BBC tweeted:
“The heatwave that we’ve got is probably part of natural cycles in the weather” –
The Chief Scientist at the Met Office, Stephen Belcher, explains the significance
of this summer’s heatwave.
What he really said: “The heatwave that we’ve got is probably part of natural
cycles in the weather… but it’s superimposed on this background of global
warming, and that’s what’s elevating our temperatures.”
People responded by comparing the BBC to that US fact-finding Fox News,
which we know persistently distorts, falsifies the impact of global warming and
climate change. Could the BBC get any more right-wing? Oh you know the
answer. If you want facts, clearly it’s best to totally avoid it. But for rubbish
Before our Brexit break – oh please, please! Theresa was out and about trying
to seduce, I mean to sell herself to the peasants - I can hear you laughing - on
her charm offensive tour – I know – even more amusing. ‘charm’…‘offensive’.
OK. As in aggressive and offending. Charm is simply derisory.
She was asked what she does in her spare time when she isn’t making a right
mess of the government. Walking. Not just walking, but
walking…walking…walking and - cooking…cooking…cooking. She has over 150
cookbooks she likes to read…which according to Theresa, has a benefit as you
get to eat. I am not joking. She really said that and the repetitions. She at least
will be relieved with all that food she has planned to stockpile. She will only have
two weeks before we all run out unless she has an alternative plan. I know. Ha
ha ha. A plan? Ha ha ha.
“Far from being worried about preparations that we’re making. I would say that
people should take reassurance and comfort.
“This not just about stockpiling. It’s about making sure we will be able to continue
to do the things that are necessary once we have left the EU if we leave without
a deal.” She is having a laugh isn’t she?
“Relax, plebs. I’ve called in the army to make sure you have fresh milk daily.”
OK. The army has been called in – really – but milk? OK. Not milk. Possibly
spam left in storage from the war. Won’t Brexiteers be thrilled.
The woman isn’t just charming, but clever as well. Now joking. And what is her
favourite TV programme? I know you were waiting patiently. Why it’s the
American series NCIS. Oh Theresa. Really! Shame on you. First it was
grovelling and kissing Baby Trump’s hand or was it feet – and now an American
TV show. By the way, these were her hobbies. Eating and walking? She was
soooo nervous. Just excruciating!
And what has her government left us with as they are off to summer in Europe?
“We’re off on our six week holiday and leaving you without one. We’ve added –
ha – added more austerity measures to see you through the summer.” On the
last day of parliament, the government behind closed doors announced cuts to
two RAF bases to be sold by 2022, seven courts are to close across England,
and god knows what else. UK households spent about £900 – more than they
earned in 2017. The first time in 30 years. Job well done, boys. Enjoy Europe
while you can. We’ll continue to enjoy abject austerity here.
Make a Move
“It’s my Brexit and I’m taking it back!” Rather like the playground really. Theresa
– and surely (husband orchestrating behind the scenes) Phil have decided to
thwart Boris and his manipulation to crown himself PM. And she has done such
a brilliant job so far. And as we know, Boris is not moving. Literally. He has
refused to budge. Nice image, no? He is still entrenched in his London property
paid for by us of course - £24,000 in 17 days and increasing. Oh Boris, how
much are you cashing in on your four rented out London properties? Ah. The
man is a cash charmer.
Help arrived with young idiots, I mean campaigners from anti-Brexit youth
groups, For our Future’s Sake (FFS) and Our Future Our Choice (OFOC) when
they arrived at his ‘lad’s pad’ (hmm) with a removal van and dressed
appropriately in overalls Thursday.
“We at FFS know how important leaving is to Boris so we’re here today to help
him move out. We’ve got the van, the boxes, the bubble wrap and though we’re
not quite the professional photographers he’s used to, we’ve got decent camera
phones.” ‘Decent camera phones’? Really? Deluded? Oh surely not. Ridiculous?
Oh surely not. And Boris? Hiding behind the front door? Risible? Surely.
And surely we need a reminder that Buffoon Boris sent 1,433 ads over FB seen
by 169 million…million! times. House of Commons committee investigating fake
news will review the ads created by a Canadian company linked to Cambridge
Your Secret is Safe with Me
A report from BuzzFeed has revealed that Boris has been secretly texting Steve
Bannon since Bannon worked in the White House. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
You know, Bannon who announced “now is the moment” for Johnson to lead
We know Bannon is secretly doggedly determined to establish far-right populism
into the senior ranks of the Conservative Party via Boris and Rees-Mogg and -
that he has been particularly diligent in Brussels establishing a mass movement
called ‘the Movement’ to rival Momentum and to provide support for far-right
populist parties in Europe ahead of 2019 European parliamentary elections. Did
I say ‘be afraid?’ Be terrified. Lest we forget he instituted the ‘Muslim Ban’.
With 38 per cent craving a new ultra-right Brexit party and 24 per cent willing to
die for an anti-immigration/anti-Islam party as polled by YouGov, it could be
handbags at dawn. Nige is out and about to raise £10M to set up a new hard-
Brexit party. Uh oh. What will Bannon do? The Tories wouldn’t be able to simply
continue in power at the next election. Oh no. No Boris then? So who will win the
racist takeover? Is Brannon applying for citizenship?
To the Tower
Off with their heads. Oh oops. Wrong country. A Tory MEP has said Britons
who display “extreme EU loyalty” should be tried for treason. Yes. He really said
that. Quel idiot!
David Campbell Bannerman said that the Treason Act should be brought “up to
date”. Oh that Brexit date?
His twitter: It is about time we brought the Treason Act up to date and made it
apply to those seeking to destroy or undermine the British state. That means
extreme jihadis. It also means those in future actively working undemocratically
against UK through extreme EU loyalty.
It gets worse. He tweeted his comment along with a picture of the front page of
the The Daily Telegraph. As a result, the newspaper has received calls for
treason laws to be changed to allow enemies of the state to be jailed for life.
Who are these people? Oh right. Right-wing Brexiteers.
Naturally with the law dating back to 1351, Brexiteers will say it’s an expression
of British sovereignty. Clearly inspired by the government’s decision to drop
death penalty objections in the case of Alexanda Kotey and El Shafee Elsheikh,
accused of being members of an Islamic State cell facing trial in the US and
naturally imminent death. Well, not exactly imminent. They could be in jail for
decades, waiting. Let’s see. Brutal IS executioners vs Remainers. Makes sense;
to an intellectually-challenged zealot.
Elton John said Brexit was as confusing as “walking through Hampton Court
maze blind-folded, being turned around 16 times and trying to find your way out.”
He told Channel 4 News: “I don’t think people in Britain were told the truth to start
with. I don’t think they knew exactly what they were voting for. They were
promised something that was completely ridiculous and wasn’t economically
viable. And then it’s got so complicated now I just don’t know what’s going on.”
He added: “There’s a new cereal called Brexit. You eat it and you throw up
afterwards.” Surely it will be available any day now – anonymously as the
creators could be accused of treason.
And speaking of: who could have said to the supportive crowd: “Rape gang
members are predominantly followers of the cult of Mohammed. The founder of
their cult was himself a paedophile and kept sex slaves. MPs are traitors,
collaborators and quislings. They must be swept away.” Gerard Batten, the
leader of the UKIP. Step away.
UKIP is baaaack. Polls have UKIP up to 8%, the same as the Liberal
Democrats. Panic mode.
Batten was speaking at a rally demanding the release of Tommy Robinson, yes,
him - the founder of the English Defence League, that Islamophobic protest
If you give a toss, Robinson was jailed for 13 months in May for contempt of
court. He has 800,000 Facebook followers. An additional 1,000 people joined in
June, according to the party. 2,000 have joined so far in July. Now you should
give a toss.
They’re baaack according to Mike Hookem, a UKIP MEP. Now how reassuring
is that? Losing hope? Losing the will to live?
Corridors of Power
You must be thinking or even saying to anyone who will listen: “How much worse
can it get?” Surprise. It can. Scotland Yard is embroiled in the largest police
corruption inquiry for 40 years. 40 years! 14 officers are under investigation for
“serious corruption and malpractice” by the police watchdog. I know. Sigh. And
it includes one of the most senior police chiefs. Sigh again.
Three Met whistleblowers have approached the IOPC (Independent Office for
Police Conduct) to allege that the unit, the Directorate of Professional Standards
(DPS), has shielded police officers who faced allegations of child abuse,
grooming, fraud, physical assault, racism — and! one police officer intentionally
driving a motorcycle into a member of the public. WHAT?!!! No. WHAT?!!!
The IOPC investigation is examining allegations that the Metropolitan police’s anti-
corruption command secretly covers up misconduct rather than investigating it.
Yes. Everything is getting worse…and worse…and now this.
Show Me – the Money
Oh dear oh dear. Looking for an idiot who is also an exhibitionist? That certainly
should be easy. Here is one. A Cambridge lecturer is facing a barrage of abuse
for using her naked body to campaign for women’s freedoms. Hmm. Naked plus
feminism. Now there is a convincing combination.
Since she posed naked for a portrait shown at a Royal Society of Portrait
Painters exhibition at the Mall Galleries in London four years ago, she has
appeared nude at other events. Evidently she particularly enjoys university
events. Last month where she ‘wore’ a transparent leotard and evening shoes.
As you do if you have confused exhibitionism and feminism. And now? She’s
posting a video of herself online, which has gone viral, in which she “covers her
modesty with only a handful of £5 and £20 notes”. Bateman she spoke on the
topic “feminism meets economics” at a conference at the Office of National
Statistics. She says on the video: it is a “fitting combination of feminist and
economic symbolism”. Is it?
By posing naked, Bateman says she hopes to make “the female presence felt in
a clear and powerful way” and to challenge the idea that women’s naked flesh is
sinful or shameful,” or objectified?...or constantly in our faces?...or a useful
vehicle for misogyny? Hmm. Being exhibiting your naked body is surely the only
“‘My body, my choice’ should be the mantra for everyone. It sounds simple
enough, but, increasingly, it’s a phrase from which people tend to pick and
choose - to pick aspects that are important to them personally while ignoring
those that are equally important to other women.” Huh? Am I missing something
here? Other than her clothes? Boring….so boring.
Oh must we? Evidently we must. The press obsession with Meghan is unending.
We’ve had coverage of ‘the special relationship’ with Harry – yawn…we’ve had
her father’s desperate desire to connect with MM to no avail and fashion
endlessly. Ennui setting in?
Elle magazine has her wardrobe at £750,000 within two months of wedded bliss.
Or £12,500 a day, counting weekends. Possibly breaking the £1 million mark
At a polo match, MM sported (I know) a Carolina Herrera (American label if in
doubt) denim dress costing more than £2,000. At lease she didn’t wear it at a
charity stop off with Harry. Wait. It was a charity event. Aren’t they the new
Royal charity brand? How sensitive. Wondering what she will wear at food bank
visit? Credit cards at the ready for that must have with so many more to follow.