|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
27 July 2019
|Hot Air in a Heat Wave
Ah. Transformation from the court jester to class clown to - the dude, the
crowned dude at that. It’s the “D” obsession: “do or die”… dude… doubters…
done (no) deal. Can we now shout: “Yo Dude!” every time the bellowing,
pointing, waving, wildly gesticulating Dude comes out and about manipulating the
peasants with his script in hand written by – erm – those who are selling him and
those who in fact sold him to the pathetic little peasants? Donny loves it.
And the other blond? Over to you, Donny: “He’s a good man, he’s tough and he’
s smart. They call him ‘Britain Trump’. They’re saying, ‘Britain Trump’. They call
him ‘Britain Trump’ (oh dear) and people are saying that’s a good thing. They
like me over there. That’s what they wanted. That’s what they need. He’ll get it
done. Boris is good…Nigel, thank you Nigel. He did a great job. I know he is
going to work well with Boris. They are going to do some tremendous things.” As
said by someone who certainly knows a genius when he sees one. ‘Put down
that mirror, Donny.’
So it’s “Make America great” vs “Making this county the greatest country on
earth!!!!” Uh oh. Problems at the OK Corral coming soon? DT vs BJ. Putting
things into perspective here, the new Dude’s favourite film is – ready?
DodgeBall. Oh and the last scene of revenge in the Godfather, the ‘retribution
scene’ when Michael Corleone receives his blessing from Christ, as you do, to
assuage any guilt from murdering your enemies. Hmm. So are we to assume the
old Dude’s favourite is – I know – Dumb and Dumber? Now seriously, how could
I not suggest that one?
The relationship between the two dudes “will be sensational” according to US
ambassador ‘Woody’ Johnson. Alert all genealogists. And Ivanka Trump? Surely
you have been waiting. She tweeted (naturally) her congratulations to Boris as
the new prime minister of –“United Kingston”. No. Really. Back to Nige. Nige has
linked up with Pro-Trump Americans to form World4Brexit, a new lobbying group
which aims to raise money for Britain’s severing all ties from the EU.
OK. OK. You’ve heard them all, but if you have been in hiding or in hospital, the
new Dude’s quotes: “I say to all the doubters: Dude, we are going to energise
the country. We’re going to get Brexit done” Endless doubters, but only one
dude, eh Al? Followed by: Making a joke – really? not funny - about his
campaign pledges, deliver, unite, defeat and energise, he said: “Dude, we are
going to energise the country, we are going to get Brexit done by October 31.”
Energise a country suffering from abject, austere austerity under the Tories?
Hmm. Indeed. Do or die, Dude.
Minutes after leaving Buckingham Palace, Al the Dude used his first speech as
PM to remind us that he – we? Will be leaving the EU October 31st, even if that
means no deal. He said: “The doubters, the doomsters, the gloomsters will be
proved wrong and that those who bet against Britain will 'lose their shirts.'” After
we digest ‘gloomsters’ – oh please, let’s not! WTF? What is he talking about?
Anything? Seriously here. What is he saying? How? Ripped off by rabid
Brexiteers? “Give us the shirts off your backs!!!” Really! Huh? Unifying 65 million
who didn’t vote? Hahahahahahahaha. Dream on, Dude. And paying homage to
his American roots, (yes. I know) he told us “the buck stops here.” Oops. No
mention of the backstop then? Or did I miss that. Too busy doing Americanisms
and WWII nostalgia. “Awwwwsommmme foursome.” Must step away - to throw
Dropping like flies, or possibly ‘gloomsters’. Oh look. It’s our favourite, Liam Fox
– leaving the government. “Oh Liam! Liam!” Oh dear, he can’t wave back with a
chlorinated chicken under each arm. Pity. And you know Al’s new “we love
Boris” appointments such as £1000 an hour lobbyist, ex-alcohol and tobacco
lobbyist, Israeli spokesperson Priti Patel for national security, Dominic Raab
who didn’t know about the Dover-Calais crossing as rabid Foreign Secretary
who can only drink out of a pink travel mug.
Uh oh. And remember Australian PR ‘guru’ who has been securing Boris’
winning positioning Lynton Crosby? Of course you do. His C|T Group has set up
an office in Washington DC and on its website, it promises access to British
politicians and can ‘shape’ Brexit for US firms. Have I mentioned the word
‘sinister’ yet? Well, I have now. Be not just ‘be afraid, be very afraid’, be
terrified. Be very terrified.
Uh oh again. Is that Arlene Foster holding open her handbag, ready for yet
another billion pounds? The arrangement keeping the Tories in power are now
‘up for review.’ And the DUP? Well, Dude: best not to D – don’t…U –
underestimate…P – power….and in this case, the DUP’s!
Next uh oh. If the Dude loses a confidence vote in September or October, -
ready? He will be out of office before 20 November. Annnddd good news, Boris.
You will have set a new record!!! The shortest-serving PM was in 1827 with
George Channing, remember him? who lasted 119 days. Collective hope
expressed here. Get ready for more of the Dude’s exuberant, energised blame
Oh no. The Dude is being sent out on a whistlestop tour of England, Scotland
Wales and Northern Ireland to appease his enormous, fragile ego while holding
Cabinet meetings in the cities. Be prepared – with banners and demonstrations.
And Al’s meeting with the Queen? “You can get up off your knees now. Is it
Boris or Al or Dude? We have heard of your muddling ways, but even your
name?” And what did our new Dude do? Cat…bag. He immediately revealed
what was said during their 26-minute meeting. Oh Dude. Oh Dude. Really?
Hmm. Shouldn’t you know the established protocol? We all do. It’s a private
meeting. P r i v a t e. All right. This is what she said to the Dude: “I don’t know
why anyone would want the job.” Well we don’t know why would want him on the
Al has now promised everything except colonializing the moon. Oh wait. He may
have. But he has promised, a high-speed broadband inserted into 'every orifice'.
Oh Al. And ‘a chicken in every pot’, eh, Al? Then he ‘hinted’ that he was very
keen to relax the rules re GM. “Let’s start now to liberate the UK’s extraordinary
bioscience sector from anti genetic modification rules.” Oh no. No. No. If we
aren’t the 51st state officially, we will be soon. Doubts? See Patrick Cockburn in
And the dancing queen? Well, at her last PMQ, Theresa said of - hanging on by
his little dirt-covered fingers - Jezza: “As a party leader who has accepted that
my time is up, perhaps it is time for him to do the same”. Ouch!
And Labour? Oh right. That ‘opposition’ party. Ha ha. Right. Well, Labour has
pledged to introduce laws on maximum temperatures for workers during those
constant pavement melting heatwaves we have been having every other week.
Now how radical is that? 39C for one day! Moments of despair.
And if you don’t know, The Tories placed no fewer than 554 ads just on
Facebook on Wednesday night to initiate their social media blitz. Assuming in
preparation for a snap election Al is certain he can win. Hands down. Oh right.
He can’t as he is always flailing them about to rally the rallies. OK. Reality check.
“Do-or-die” Boris will do it. How did we ever!!!! get here!!!!???? H e l p….
The Common Comma Touch
“Very” “hopefully” “due to” the “ongoing” new to the role of Commons leader,
Moggy, has instituted his list-for-life rules. He demands only imperial
measurements annnnd give all non-titled males the suffix Esq. As well as the use
of “lot” “got” “equal” “yourself” “I am pleased to learn”. Got that?
His staff were told: “CHECK your work.” No double space after full stops and no
comma after the word “and”. (Oh no, not that! So wrong). No “too many ‘Is’” in
their writing (‘Is’ Moggy? Hmm. As said by a self-referring ‘Honourable Member
for the 18th century’.) No “invest” (in schools, etc), no “note/understand your
concerns”, no “moreover”, “no longer fit for purpose” is now no longer fit for
Oh no. Hansard, the official transcript of parliamentary proceedings, recorded
more than 700 instances of Moggy’s using the banned words or phrases. “I am
pleased to learn|” that Rees-Mogg, Esq could be “disappointed” with that, as we
usually find him “unacceptable” in that ludicrous ill-fitting bespoke silly suit of his.
Make No Mistake
Yes, yes. The “we’re royal and you’re not” couple have new commands. Yes.
Yes. Even more. Here’s the latest list:
No touching their dogs…no offering to walk the dogs…no asking to see Archie
or babysitting…no approaching or speaking to them and speak only when
spoken to and only simple ‘pleasantries’ such as ‘good morning’…no posting
anything through the letterbox. Oh, but we have all those ‘best wishes in your
new home’ we paid for cards the little children have made.
Issued at a residents’ meeting for peasants who live near our newly £3million
refurbished Frogmore fortress Cottage. And not just the serfs, the royal staff and
any Crown Estate employees. Blimey! One threatened with the tower had the
nerve to say: “Even the Queen doesn’t demand this. It’s a very normal British
thing to say ‘good morning’ and pat a dog.” Clearly not in LA. Hmm. “The Queen
always chats to neighbours and even has a tea with people of the estate as she’s
very friendly with them. The ‘not petting the dog’ is particularly strange…they
won’t even tell us its name.” Has that friendly neighbour gone missing - yet?
A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said: “The Duke and Duchess had no
knowledge of this briefing and no involvement in the concept or the content. This
was a well-intentioned briefing to help a small local community know how to
welcome two new residents and help them with any potential encounter.
“There was no handout or letter. The talk was undertaken by a local manager
and was widely viewed as being well received.” Oh sometimes you simply can’t
believe a word Brand Sussex says, unless you view it as material for comedians.
Another resident said: “It’s extraordinary. We’ve never heard anything like it.
Everyone who lives on the estate works for the royals and knows how to behave
Around 400 people live in the area run by the Crown Estate. For example: the
Queen’s dresser and right-hand woman and Charles’ old nanny and the
governor of Windsor Castle. Clearly none can be trusted to smile at a dog.