LETTERS FROM LONDON
1. I Promise to Honour and Obey...Help - 3 July 2011
Tis the season: airport abduction, corruption and criminality, denials and illegitimacy,
arranged marriage, three days of debauchery, the ubiquitous scene-stealing Naomi,
the politically incorrect. So unlike the seamless stage-manage branding of the D & D
of Cambridge duo; the Firm keeps a firm hand.

Charlene Wittstock or now Her Serene Highness Princess Charlene de Monaco [a
mere duchess, Ex-Waity must be stomping her L K Bennetts] shed a tear or floods
of as she left the church after her marriage to the empty suit Prince Albert.

She failed to make her escape three times and now she is held captive like her
deceased mother-in-law. Ironically Grace discovered ‘her prince’ had at least one
mistress he never considered giving up, she had to seduce the commoners who
weren’t immediately seduced by her Hollywood charms, and was forbidden to fulfil
her longing – to revive her acting career. Poor Grace...Poor Charlene.

‘Princess Barbie’ to Monegasques, HSRH,PC [Princess Charlene – I don’t know –
Charleeeeeeene...] tried to escape her fate by booking a single ticket back to South
Africa, but was possibly tackled, wrestled to the ground, her passport wrenched from
her hand, a bag placed over her head and dumped in the boot of a Rolls to be
returned to the waiting arms – or gripping hands of the seemingly charmless,
inarticulate, boring, inane, dim and personality-less Prince Albert.

PA’s lawyer called the report of the incident ‘madness’. A member of the Monaco
police: “Charlene had her passport confiscated so that the Prince’s entourage could
persuade her to stay.” Goodness me. A rather menacing method. The next time we
saw her, PA had her firmly in his grasp – literally. Creepy.

So much for PA’s dream of revising brand Monaco as his father tried to do via
marriage – rather than it remaining a dubious international tax haven/laundering
money outlet for the Sicilian/Calabrian mafia/uber rich Russians, French, Italians,
Brits.

PA said that while the couple would take some time off he would quickly resume
running activities [ie; partying? payoffs?] in Monaco, and that he saw the goal of
marriage is to produce children. "It's absolutely on our minds.” Surely loud laughter
was heard all around. Ignoring it, Princess Charlene added: "I love children and I've
always wanted to have children of my own some day. So we'll see in the next couple
of months, or years. And...yeah. We'll be the first to know." We’ll be the first to know...
if they don’t know first, who will? PA’s 2 known illegitimate children were excluded
from the wedding [no principality for either of them]. Ironic as his father was the result
of a cabaret singer and Prince Louis ll.

3 days...3500 guests...£50m...a tasteless skyscraper cake, mirrored dance floor,
Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Mel Gibson, Karl Largerfield, Karolina Kurkova and
Naomi Campbell, Sir Philip Green and his wife Tina, Sir Roger Moore, Sir Paul,
Ellie Goulding and Dame Shirley Bassey included in the fantasy scam. Bored yet?
Andrea Bocelli sang for £5m. 21 heads of state: President Nicolas Sarkozy plus
every minor royal not hiding from tax collectors. Two, possibly three DNA paternity
tests to follow in a few days. Place bets now.

Looking a lot less sad, frozen, miserable, terrified than Charlene, Kate-so-rock-n-roll-
Moss married rocker Jamie Hince of The Kills this weekend.

£1m brought Stella McCartney and Vivienne Westwood, Tracey Emin, Jude Law,
Sadie Frost, Meg Mathews and Naomi Campbell [again], Sir Philip Green [again],
Rhys Ifans, Jo Wood, Jude Law and the ‘socialite’ [they’re having a laugh aren’t
they?] ‘I’m too sexy for myself’ Jade Jagger together for three days of partying and
an endless flow of Cristal. Yawn.

The celebrations were to include a troupe of trapeze artists, 6ft 5in transvestites – a
‘burlesque’ theme and performances by Iggy Pop, Beth Ditto, Snoop Dogg and
Shirley Bassey [again] Carl Barat. Feather boas? Enormous folding fans? Long
satin gloves? So ho hum.

Mario Testino’s wedding snaps will be featured in US Vogue, not UK Vogue.
Curious choice....

Rev Harry MacInnes who performed the ceremony insisted: “God is a large part of
her life.” Really? Not ‘Oh god! Where’s the rest of the coke?’ “Kate goes most
Sundays to church when she’s here [spending time in her £2m Cotswolds country
estate] and she’s not the crazy party girl everyone thinks [oh yes she is]. She likes to
be involved in the community and church plays an important role in her life.” Is he
thinking of the author of the same name? And he explains her falling out of cars,
cabs, nightclubs, restaurants, her dresses looking totally wasted how? Does she
sing in the choir?

Having no particular interest in the wedding dress - it was absolutely stunning,
gorgeous and John Galliano’s. And while on the subject of fatuous fashion reporting.
What the hell was Naomi wearing at Charlene’s wedding? White Givenchy. Not
pretty.

I’d imagine the next nuptials to get press coverage, Princess Anne’s daughter Zara
Phillips and ex-rugby player Mike Tindall July 30th in Edinburgh will be sporty and fun
and less than £1m.



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