5 January 2012
Reasons to be Cheerful

Give me a minute. Alright, two or perhaps three. Reasons to be cheerful.
Hmmmmm.... Could it be that the ever boring, charmless non-talent Jen
(Anniston) has decided to join Mother Theresa’s order in India along with Elle
and Gwynnie – and her sell-out husband? (Changing musical style, £1m to
celebrate in Abu Dhabi New Year, etc, etc. Tut, tut.) Or the ubiquitous celebs
could all simply change their surnames  to Kardashian and join that ridiculous,
pointless tribe. (What do they do exactly?) Just a dream....

Damien Hirst admits he is merely a brand and he can neither draw nor paint
after David Hockney has hired Tracey Emin (newly appointed professor of
drawing at the Royal Academy, the oldest art school in Britain. Wrong, so
wrong) to coerce this admission while Hirst was being held under water.
Hockney then hired many of Hirst’s many assistances.

Boris has begun referring to himself as PM causing PM CallMeDave to turn
bright red with rage while curiously still smiling. CMD initiates plans to have the
Sun newspaper fabricate rumours surpassing Boris’ illegitimate child – or
children embarrassment.

PM CallMeDave now does empathy. He ‘understands’ the slide of the middle
class into redundancy, mortgage debit, credit cards maxed out... poverty,
suicide. We feel collectively so much better. Can we move into your newly
£74,000 refurbished No 11 Downing Street CallMeDave? Can we bring our
frostbitten gran and our hungry cat, Fred?

Trainer sales are going to skyrocket; everybody will have to walk to work.
London journeys are twice as high as any city in the world. With journeys to
London increasing, people without an extra £8,000 will be jamming the
pavements walking to work in the dark.

More than £100m was spent in the West End the week to New Year’s Eve.
Selfridges (the department store that routinely adds what – maybe 10-30% to
every item available elsewhere) boasted a boosted retail record of £1.3m in one
hour on Boxing Day. No one was reported crushed to death.

Royal bolthole since 1862, the Queen’s estate at Sandringham has called upon
Benedict Cumberbatch, aka Sherlock Holmes, to solve the murder on the lawn.
The body of a young woman has been discovered while the royals bored each
other in their attempt to play charades. Machiavellian ex-Waity-Katie requested
his involvement to protect her picture-perfect, pristine homage-to-Diana image.

2012 promises to start off with quite a bang. The heaviest space object will hit
the earth 6-19 January; 13.2 tonnes, filled with 11 tonnes of toxic rocket fuel
and 10kg of radioactive cobalt-57. Bound for a moon of Mars, the £120m
Russian probe will return without rock samples having got stuck in the Earth’s
orbit. Duck and cover? Perhaps not.
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