|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
9 February 2019
|A Hell of a Mess
As you know, Donald Tusk was wandering – yes - wandering. “I have been
wondering what special place in hell there is for people who promoted Brexit
without even a sketch of a plan how to carry safely.” Ditto, except he should
have said ‘idiots’.
However, the full version - not reported by the biased BBC - asks a completely
valid question about those who led a manipulative and misleading Leave
campaign into a historically shambolic, humiliatingly embarrassing disastrous
farce we will live with forever. He was clearly talking about the promoters! How
very ‘tabloid’ of the no longer respected/respectful BBC. Shame on you – again!
Now you just know all the fanatical fixated frenzied Brexiteers place all the blame
on the EU. Sooooo predictable. Sooooo boring. But he did also mention the
missing Remainers. And rightly so. Where the hell are they?
And Theresa? Oh she did not look best pleased. She told Juncker Phil he was
not happy in hell either. It’s the standard ‘if looks could kill’ isn’t it? Well, now we
know she has more than one facial expression. You know the other one where
her mouth turns down expressing disdain for smelly French cheese.
Arghhhhhhh!!! Delete that image! Quickly! Moggy – erm – naked!!! Dr Victoria
Bateman, an economics fellow at Cambridge University invited the 18th century
throw-back to discuss the issue after she was interviewed naked by John
Humphrys. Dr Victoria Bateman said she was comfortable with her body and
wanted to highlight how ‘Brexit leaves Britain naked', which she has written on
her body. As you do. Not. Ignoring the desire for attention, the very thought no
matter how brief of Rees-Mogg – naked is just so wrong! Even if Brexit is the
emperor’s new clothes.
Call the nanny. Someone would have to undress Moggy. We can only assume
he sleeps in that too-big suit that always reminds me of David Byrne (Talking
Heads) – although that in itself is not a bad thing, but Moggy in his is. Perhaps
he’s been dressed in his father’s this whole time.
Cash on Delivery
Instructors at teaching centres for would-be British citizens are offering
applicants earpieces to cheat the Life in the UK citizenship test. Now seriously,
who knew? 45 minutes, 18 correct answers out of 24 necessary, with one in five
passing, for £2,000.
If you didn’t really know, the test is a mandatory part of the citizenship process.
Pass the test or you’re expelled. What’s on the test? Naturally the fundamental
principles of British life – not looking so good now are they? And really - the
technicalities of the TV licence. Come on: huh?
Instructor Masoud Abul Raza was caught out telling the undercover researcher
that “everything would be arranged” to feed them the correct answers. And how
does this happen? Hand over that £2,000 and you can sing ‘God Save the
Masoud said: “This is the business, it's completely hidden. But you are getting a
result.” A result? Just a result? Not a prize? A passport? Tetley tea with Meghan?
“No one ever gets caught” since at least 2008. Well, Mr Raza has been. Similar
cases have been reported from centres in Birmingham and Manchester.
The Daily Telegraph described as “a scam akin to a scene in a James Bond
movie”. Wait. Really? Rather melodramatic don’t you think?
Oh, and the Home Office? The Home Office, which outsources the
administration of the tests to 36 centres across the UK, well you just know they
are taking this “extremely seriously”. They would rather be accepting the money.
A Meeting of Small Minds
Cat…bag… or truth be told. Oh Jez. Remainers are not happy. But no surprise
really. We all know his vehement anti-Europe position don’t we?
Yes it’s that video that emerged of Jeremy speaking at a 2009 rally on the
Lisbon Treaty when he was a backbench MP. Before he proclaimed himself
King of Marxism on his Jeremy Corbyn Show, he told Irish campaigners that
“people like us do not want to be living in a European empire.” Did you miss that
bit? “People like us”. Translation needed here, Jez.
He also attacked the EU as “subservient to the aims of NATO,” and warned the
new treaty “creates this military machine, this military Frankenstein, that’ll be so
damaging to all of us”…people like us.
He also said: "Don’t scrap your posters, don’t recycle them, because you're
going to need them for a third referendum. I’ve just got a feeling they’re gonna
keep on voting until they get the answer they want.”
JC suggested he regretted that the UK was not also holding a referendum on the
Treaty. "If you succeed in getting a no vote here, that’ll be such a boost to
people like us all over Europe.” Oh there’s that “people like us” again. The
Lisbon Treaty, of course, was ratified just a few months later.
Oh and have you checked the lasts polls, JC? Theresa ahead by seven points.
Labour ready to split? Doing well, JC. Brexiteer disciple JC here: ‘I’m available
to assist you, Theresa. Together now: ‘Yes to Brexit! Yes to Little Britain!’ The
people like us love you. Over to you, Theresa.’
Time for those annoying statistics. Be prepared to be surprised. Since
December his supporters have slumped from 27 per cent to 17 – the lowest
number recorded by Ipsos MORI by any! Labour leader apart from, yes,
Michael Foot who slumped to 13 per cent in 1982. And those dissatisfied with JC
have increased from 59 to 72 per cent since then. 44 per cent of Labour voters
find him worthy of their support. Nearly there. Just 20 per cent of the people
trust him to make the right decisions on the EU while even Theresa manages 34
When quizzed repeatedly on BBC Politics Live if complicit Corbyn was pro-
Brexit, Shami Chakrabarti looked shamefaced guilt-ridden as she looked down
and denied it – twice. Awkward, but not the first time she has tried to slither out
of facing any truth about Labour.
As you know, JC said he was open to holding further talks with Theresa “with the
aim of securing a sensible agreement that can win the support of Parliament and
bring the country together”. Hahaha. Now isn’t that one of Theresa’s lines? Or
damn close to it.
Oh not more! I know, I know. The Tories are seven points ahead, Theresa
commands 40 percent vs 19 percent for Jezza. WTF you gasp. Well, give it a
little rethink. See. Not so surprising is it?
Annnd, Labour's membership has dropped to around 512,000, according to
internal figures shown to the Mirror with leaked figures showing the membership
has dipped by more than 50,000 - around 10% - since the highest official
estimate of 564,400 in December 2017. Labour is still more than four times the
size of the Conservative Party, which had just 124,000 members in March 2018.
However as reported, splitting the party with the creation of a new one will cost
Labour the next election if Jeremy doesn’t do it all by himself.
Trouble in paradise? They also show more than 30,000 current members are in
arrears, meaning their memberships will lapse too if they fail to pay in a six-
month window. It comes after Labour said reports of a drop from 650,000 to
500,000 were "simply not true" and "invented". Chakrabarti reporting?
The party has not so far accepted calls to end the speculation and release an
updated membership tally. Taking the lead from the Tories then: denial, denial,
denial, no details, no details, no details.
Too Cool for School
Leaving JC to his own pro-Brexit stratagem, thank god, now we know bees are
cleverer than Labour. They can do maths. They can add and subtract. They can
understand the concept of zero. What!? You know you just said that – out loud.
Now really, solving maths problems requires a sophisticated level of cognition,
involving the complex mental management of numbers, long-term rules and short
term working memory. Surprising that many humans can’t.
Addition and subtraction are complex because they require two levels of
processing. Hmm. Who knew? You need to be able to hold the rules around
adding and subtracting in your long-term memory, while mentally manipulating a
set of given numbers in your short-term memory. Blimey.
Previous studies have shown some primates, birds, babies and even spiders –
really? spiders? can add and/or subtract. Bees are added to the list.
For the Love of Money
Oh really, really, really. Isn’t it simple? Some flowers, candy and a card?
Never!!! Underwear – ever!!! But according to the annual ‘what to buy for
Valentine’s Day’ you have to wonder what planet these editors live on.
For her: a cosy jumper for £295…a candle for £140…jewellery for
£210…sunglasses for £170…leather trainers for £575..and where would we be
without a handbag for £575? Choosing one for £4,857 perhaps?
And for him? Crystal espresso glasses for £280 – each…a scarf for £360…his
sunglasses for £170…a watch for £695…oh let’s give him pants, pack of three
for £49.95 or one for £24.95. Freebies perhaps? Oh lest we forget a sort of
heart-shaped chair for £2,740. A bargain at that.
Surely you are meant to buy several from the suggestions. You can do the
maths – or let the bees….
Or, you could pop into Primark and buy an engagement ring, silver or gold for
£1 in red box. Not joking, really. Within seven days they sold 20,000. And the
gemstones to choose from? Ruby or topaz. There is a message in the box:
“Because we promise they’ll want to choose their own.” Hmm. Just thinking….
RIP the extraordinary Albert Finney