LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
29 April 2011
Contact Us
1. Not An Heir Out Of Place  
Pageantry, pomp and privilege. A minibus parade filled with the lesser royals
and such on the Mall? Massive red logos splashed across the sides of the
executive mode of wedding transportation: Wings Luxury Travel. Why? Just
wrong and naff. The royal carriages were striking, the cars were good – Jags,
Rolls, but no mention of
My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding that I was aware of.

It was a lovely wedding. Kate “he’s lucky to have me” looked the perfect picture
after nineteen years of detail planning. I should hope so.

The
dress?  Oh God. The dress! I thought I’d have to shout from the windows:
“I don’t care about the bloody dress! Do you hear me? Stop!”  Finally. It was
Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen.

TV commentators:

“I’m
beside myself!” regarding ‘dress anticipation’.

“I’m getting more and more nervous about the dress.”

“She
loves her hair!”

“She
never has a hair out of place.”

“She was the most relaxed of anybody...she’s so sure of herself.”

“She was so
composed...the most relaxed....”

“This showed her for what she is – plain and simple.”

“She’s so ordinary and so normal.”

“She hasn’t put a foot wrong. She’s so discreet. So discreet.”

Meanwhile, on the commoners’ planet on The Mall: “They’re just like us.” “They’
re so modern.” “They’re so down to earth.”  “They’re down to earth people –
definitely.” Sorry darlings. Royals aren’t.

What were Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie trying to achieve in their alarming
panto versions of Cinderella’s step-sisters? Quite scary. Beatrice’s Philip
Treacy hat defied identification. Was it a bird, a plane, an aerial or simply a
scene stealer? Enough eyeliner to panic lemurs at the zoo at night.

Perhaps too many forehead covering fascinators to count – although Tara
Palmer-Tomkinson’s blindingly blue hat pointing directly to her rugby nose was
impossible to ignore. Miriam González Durántez, Nick Clegg’s wife, alluded to
flamenco, but still added much needed drama. Camilla kept a curious glower
throughout as if she had just eaten a passed-its-sell-by-date korma curry, but
looked quite lovely otherwise. David Beckham - gorgeous naturally. The
Speaker’s wife, Sally Bercow’s what-was-she-thinking décolletage – blimey.
Carole Middleton did her last minute homage to the high street; John Lewis
would be proud. Harry, who swaggered and smirked like a 12 year old, clearly
had his hair professionally coiffed by a republican. “I’m next” Pippa did her
best to out shine the bride in her ‘does my bum look fantastic’ in this –
competing in white – always a no, no - all slinky and sexy. Princess Anne, who
will never look anything but weird with that dead bird’s nest hairstyle she’s had
since she was fourteen, wore an 80’s inspired carpet.

Andrew Morton of Diana fame has remarked several times on Kate’s infatuation
with the limelight...moth to a flame...that could be a potential problem for William
who is quite the private person. Actually, all the Middleton women have dropped
their guard, if they ever had one, and have embraced the attention full on like a
long lost love. They can’t seem to get enough. This could prove interesting.

The courtiers are thrilled. “Kate projects the perfect image...her absence
‘personality’ has turned out to be an advantage.” Quite a relief then.  She will
have a ‘replacement’ – one with or without a personality - a stand-in as used for
the Queen Mother. With so many look-a-likes, this should be easy peasy,
although if the replacement should have to speak, she will have to acquire a
terribly posh accent as WK has done.

Astrologers have called WK practical, hard, steely and controlling...William
rather warm. Possibly things could get a bit tricky in 2013. Many royal watchers
have expressed their ‘hope it lasts’ opinions.

Everybody goes on about it being a love match. The question is: would
‘Princess Ordinary’ have married a balding out of work plumber on benefits
living in a council flat at the local registry? Perhaps not.

A ‘cool, modern’ couple? Really? And here I was thinking dull and boring if they
stay together. Since 1919 66% of British royal marriages have been
successful. 4 out of 12 divorces. Time to place a bet. And lest we forget. Hitler
married Eva Braun in a bunker the same day in 1945.

The TV commentary was gushing, exaggerated, inane, annoying, silly. Please
keep the continuously irritating, pointless Fearne Cotton off the airways for ever
or at least for the next royal nuptials of Zara Philips which should be a bit of fun.