17 April 2011
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1. Headline Hunters
Will she, won’t she? Will the image-obsessed bride wear a tiara? Equally
ambitious – oh all right – not quite as ambitious, Queen in waiting Camilla is
becoming quite cross that Kate“he’s lucky to have
me” is not acquiescing as
she has done so consistently. Camilla is adamant that the other queen in
waiting is refusing. Due to naughty Kate’s popularity surpassing that of
Camilla's (Really? Popular? Either one of them?) Camilla has been forced to
moan to a therapist. “How dare she disobey me. I am going to be queen first
and I was so much cleverer the way I plotted and schemed. Remember. Diana
became anorexic. I am that good.”

Will he, won’t he? Will CallmeDave wear tails to the ‘wedding of the century’?
Wedding of the century? I think not. Although, perhaps in obsessed America.
Breaking from tradition, fearing he’ll appear like the smug toff he is, the PM is
planning to wear a lounge suit - clearly on the advice of his PR
‘whatdoIweartothewedding’ team. “Shouldn’t I wear trainers?”

Will she, won’t she? Will SamCam wear a hat to the wedding? Oh dear oh
dear. What a life-threatening dilemma. Just back from her first foray into the
lifestyle of the peasants they, flew Ryanair from Stansted to Malaga to stay in a
‘mid-market’ hotel. Not a patently pathetic PR stunt surely. Feeling radical after
Dave and Sam’s excellent adventure, will it be feathers? Lace? A dead animal?
We’ll have to wait to see. I know I’m holding my breath. “Will I upstage that
Princess Nouveau Riche with a hat or without, David? Sorry, Darling.

Will she, won’t she? Posh to the point of nausea, will Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
get her £400-a-day-coke-collapsed-putty-like-pushed-to-one-side nose
reconstructed in time for the wedding? Will she have to hide behind her
enormous ubiquitous sunglasses undeniably concealing her identity. Waaaaay
too many drugs. “Does my nose look wonky in these?” Nose. What nose?

Will he, won’t he? Will Wills wear the gold wedding ring that the bride has
chosen for him and the Middleton’s have paid for? Will he cross over to the
world of vulgarity and tastelessness? Shouldn’t they have read up on the royal
tradition? Carole the Determined attempted to have a bit of a chat with Charles
regarding the ring. “Can’t we send that woman to Siberia for a few weeks?”

Will he, won’t he? Will coke-peddling, debauched uncle Gary ‘Sniff’ Goldsmith
(Carole’s brother) be included in the family photo? He has actually been invited.
Surprise. Surprise. There is a chance that if he wears a T-shirt or perhaps a
thong promoting his Ibiza lifestyle at villa ‘La Maison de Bang Bang’, he’ll be
deleted – permanently. The plan is to place him at the end of the row of those
playing happy royal family to facilitate his removal. “Are those new tattoos of
the queen on his forearm?”

I sense anarchism in the air. That must be the anarchists who have plans –
plans to disrupt the bloody, boring wedding of the century. We need something
to balance all the hype and self-regarding.