|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
24 December 2016
|I'm Not Buying It
We have been overwhelmed with maudlin, saccharine sentimentality and
manipulating music. Yes. Those annoying Christmas adverts with their obvious
‘buy, buy, buy’ message.
Other than mawkish family fun, Christmas seems to be about sofas and sex;
separately. Why sofas? Why do you want Santa to bring you a sofa? Really?
Hmmm. So let’s concentrate on selling perfume to seductive 14-year-olds.
Hmmm. Oh really. Why are the models teenagers? You know the brand is selling
to desperate over 35s. Scent results in sex. Right. Oh just stop it. Ha. You know
that will never happen. You know, it’s tradition. Or you can eat chocolates and
satisfy yourself. Tell me, how did we ever relate milk chocolate (wrong right
there) with a promised orgasm? We didn’t. ‘They’ did.
I still think ‘cool’ works. But then, I’m not buying pricey perfume or a faux-leather
sofa – or soft-centred milk chocolates. Oops. I mean I’m not asking Santa. I
want to be entertained; then I might consider buying. Maybe. But only if I really
need it, clearly not the advertiser’s target audience.
Separated at birth? Did Pippa and Meghan take the same on-line writing
course? Prince Harry’s latest love/lust obsession, Meghan Markle’s blog in the
Evening Standard seemed inspired by Pippa’s writing attempts.
You do recall Pippa’s disastrous ‘entertaining’ (I know) book as well as that
entertaining, oh right, entertainment column in the Waitrose magazine don’t
you? Something about ribbons around presents and possibly making people
happy, serving food at dinner I think. Cringe-making? Oh dear me, waaaaay
Here’s what MM wrote on her blog: “Tips for being an impromptu hostess…a
bottle of bubbles chilling at all times…always keep your home 10 minutes from
ready”. Oh dear me. It’s so – erm – ‘please use glasses when you serve that
bottle of bubbles, never mugs or straight from the bottle’….
Didn’t Harry flirt with Pippa – a lot? Or am I just thinking he flirts with anyone?
While on the subject of Harry, you know, that prince-we-all-love, hmmm, lately
it's more like the prince-who-maims/kills/slaughters innocent animals.
Yes. Harry’s been out shooting unsuspecting animals again. Or at least maiming
them. An eye here, an eye there, possibly a leg or what about a tail? Oh good
shot, Harry. Fur, blood, guts, shrieking, agony, death. What’s not to love? Male
vs animal. Oh so – I don’t know – superior, stupid, primitive? Now the proper
question is: can MM’s purported love of animals square with Harry’s love of
Harry has become nearly a master of stealth. Sneaking off to see MM, a
weekend of wild boar shooting – as you do. Just days before MM arrived in
London, Harry went off for a weekend of wild boar shooting with a European
prince, Harry’s friend, Prince Franz Albrecht zu Oettingen-Spielberg, at a
Bavarian castle. As you do. Now the particular prince is known as “the Boar
Terminator” in hunting circles; this naturally owing to his princely prowess with a
rifle and thus his talent for killing as many boars as possible in succession. Ah. I
could say ‘so boring darling’, but that wouldn’t be fair to the boars would it?
Both Harry and William naturally have been criticized for taking part in legal
shoots while simultaneously campaigning against trophy hunting of protected
species. Oh yes. The royal privilege.
MM is said to be a dog-defender and has three rescue dogs. No boars. “My
home of Los Angeles County puts down more dogs per capita than any other
city in the U.S. So rescuing was a no-brainer.” Right.
Royal reject (well, except for Wills that is who enthusiastically embraces the
entire family don’t you know), royal-wanna-be Carole Middleton, is reportedly
organising a shoot for Will’s friends at a grand estate near their home in
Berkshire on Boxing Day. Ah. Bless.
Harry is expected to join senior royals for traditional celebrations at
Sandringham with the Queen and the corgis. As the Queen has been poorly with
a heavy cold, Harry could possibly sneak in MM in a onesie – an animal one
with a hood and ears – but sans blood splatters.
It’s settled. Santa’s secret workshop is located in Jokkmokk. Not joking. It’s in
northern Sweden, so forget the North Pole or favourite, Lapland. Naturally this is
the result of Swedish researchers busy at work.
So, Lund University used satellite images to discover the mean centre of the
earth’s population. Now, assuming Santa distributes gifts equally across the
globe, Jokkmokk is “the best place to be”. Mystery solved.
So it’s Happy Christmas all round, particularly from Jokkmokk, with hopes that
everybody receives everything on their Christmas list be it perfume, chocolates,
racy underwear, etc. But what about the men you ask? Oh right. Those are
presents for the men. Sofas are for the women….xx