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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
The Mad Hatters - 20 June 2008
I was planning to make an appearance at Royal Ascot, but my hat frightened me when I saw my
reflection. It looked like several dead birds had attached themselves to my hair and nestled
among the excessive roses.
Five days of flying feathers, exploding flowers and all sorts of sundry items and oh yes, horse
racing. It’s Royal Ascot time again but with a bit of a difference. Exhibitionists take heed.
New fashion guidelines have been imposed to reverse the chav preference for gaudy, mock-
glam, gauche, flesh revealing look-at-me outfits in favour of the more genteel look-at-me outfits.
The Ascot authorities have reworked the dress code for women in an attempt to re-establish
formal day dress attire.
The code now states: 'For ladies, only formal day dress with a hat or substantial fascinator will
be acceptable. Off the shoulder, halter neck, spaghetti straps and dresses with a strap of less
than one inch and/or miniskirts are considered unsuitable. Midriffs must be covered and trouser
suits must be full length and of matching material and colour.' Time to emphasise the ‘refined
royal’ tradition. Yes to knickers, no to bling, no to orangey fake tans. Dear me. What is a chav to
do?
The royals maintained their entitlement. Princess Eugenie gave a clear fuck-you-I-can-do-what-I-
want to the new set of dress rules by wearing a mini-dress that was allowed simply because it
wasn’t a mini-skirt…surely not because she was royal. Camilla wore yet another one of those
ridiculous hats that must be some sort of child’s aerodynamic science experiment. Zara Phillips
showed up as an over-stuffed sausage – although much admired for her lovely physics-defying
beige hat with no mention of the stuffed aspect. With a clear loss of blood to the brain, Zara
clasped a strong hand around his neck hugging the taken aback and seemingly truly shocked
Charles - as well as an enthusiastic embrace for her more practiced and willing cousin, Princess
Beatrice.
Ladies Day is designed to demonstrate how high and how wide the obligatory bonnet can go;
maybe four or more feet in both or either directions. Abstract, literal, decorative, surreal, silly,
stupid - it’s all an explosion of whimsical, diaphanous, gauzy, gossamer feathers and flowers.
When is a hat a hat? When it is homage? Always popular are the homage-to-food creations that
include the usual arrays and trays of fruits, veggies, sandwiches… a huge single block of stilton
cheese. The homage-to-nature often means giant butterflies and birds, enormous insects and
their wings, possibly a pandemonium of parrots, a covey of partridges, a muster of peacocks…
“It’s aliiiiiiiiiiiive!” The homage-to-the-English-garden features colossal flowers, flower pots, flower
trellises, flower pyramids. There is even a homage-to-art inspired by Anthony Caro and Antony
Gormley as well as homage-to-the-miscellaneous consisting of a tower of silver face masks,
miniature towns, huge colourful abstractions, a doll’s house bathroom…huh? Plus the more
familiar yearly repeats of ersatz umbrellas covering most of the wearer’s face – clearly defeating
the purpose of les chapeaux overstatement.
But blustery winds allowed for huge headgear to become projectile missiles. Meanwhile, who’s
watching the horses?
Perhaps I’ll try a top hat in homage to Yves….
I was planning to make an appearance at Royal Ascot, but my hat frightened me when I saw my
reflection. It looked like several dead birds had attached themselves to my hair and nestled
among the excessive roses.
Five days of flying feathers, exploding flowers and all sorts of sundry items and oh yes, horse
racing. It’s Royal Ascot time again but with a bit of a difference. Exhibitionists take heed.
New fashion guidelines have been imposed to reverse the chav preference for gaudy, mock-
glam, gauche, flesh revealing look-at-me outfits in favour of the more genteel look-at-me outfits.
The Ascot authorities have reworked the dress code for women in an attempt to re-establish
formal day dress attire.
The code now states: 'For ladies, only formal day dress with a hat or substantial fascinator will
be acceptable. Off the shoulder, halter neck, spaghetti straps and dresses with a strap of less
than one inch and/or miniskirts are considered unsuitable. Midriffs must be covered and trouser
suits must be full length and of matching material and colour.' Time to emphasise the ‘refined
royal’ tradition. Yes to knickers, no to bling, no to orangey fake tans. Dear me. What is a chav to
do?
The royals maintained their entitlement. Princess Eugenie gave a clear fuck-you-I-can-do-what-I-
want to the new set of dress rules by wearing a mini-dress that was allowed simply because it
wasn’t a mini-skirt…surely not because she was royal. Camilla wore yet another one of those
ridiculous hats that must be some sort of child’s aerodynamic science experiment. Zara Phillips
showed up as an over-stuffed sausage – although much admired for her lovely physics-defying
beige hat with no mention of the stuffed aspect. With a clear loss of blood to the brain, Zara
clasped a strong hand around his neck hugging the taken aback and seemingly truly shocked
Charles - as well as an enthusiastic embrace for her more practiced and willing cousin, Princess
Beatrice.
Ladies Day is designed to demonstrate how high and how wide the obligatory bonnet can go;
maybe four or more feet in both or either directions. Abstract, literal, decorative, surreal, silly,
stupid - it’s all an explosion of whimsical, diaphanous, gauzy, gossamer feathers and flowers.
When is a hat a hat? When it is homage? Always popular are the homage-to-food creations that
include the usual arrays and trays of fruits, veggies, sandwiches… a huge single block of stilton
cheese. The homage-to-nature often means giant butterflies and birds, enormous insects and
their wings, possibly a pandemonium of parrots, a covey of partridges, a muster of peacocks…
“It’s aliiiiiiiiiiiive!” The homage-to-the-English-garden features colossal flowers, flower pots, flower
trellises, flower pyramids. There is even a homage-to-art inspired by Anthony Caro and Antony
Gormley as well as homage-to-the-miscellaneous consisting of a tower of silver face masks,
miniature towns, huge colourful abstractions, a doll’s house bathroom…huh? Plus the more
familiar yearly repeats of ersatz umbrellas covering most of the wearer’s face – clearly defeating
the purpose of les chapeaux overstatement.
But blustery winds allowed for huge headgear to become projectile missiles. Meanwhile, who’s
watching the horses?
Perhaps I’ll try a top hat in homage to Yves….
