|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
28 January 2017
|The Hand of Friendship - Ha
Are we finally willing to admit that PM by default, Theresa, is clearly not terribly
clever and actually a coward? Well, we should be. Saturday the vicar’s daughter
condoned religious bigotry when questioned repeatedly (this refusal to respond
is now her modus operandi) about The Donald’s preventing Muslims from
entering the US. Oh Theresa. You are becoming a liability and an
embarrassment and we are not best pleased.
Theresa entered as the first tail wagging poodle through the White House door
bearing gifts of ‘friendship’. Theresa. No other world leader wanted to rush in.
You know: diplomatic dignity. Oh. No you don’t know do you?
By now you know every detail of Theresa’s ‘victory’. Every tedious detail. But I
must mention a few. In Philadelphia Theresa mentioned “the special relationship”
eight times. Eight times. Theresa; Saudi Arabia is the special relationship.
Americans are blissfully unaware of our ‘special relationship’. “UK? What’s a
UK?” During The Trump ‘n Theresa Show, The Donald assured us that he was
“a people person” – how much do you hate when people announce that? More
than a lot. He was certain Theresa was the same. Wrong. Secretive, private,
paranoid. The Donald was calmly condescending. The US press was more
interested in Russia and Mexico than Little Britain. Then there was that awkward
holding hands moment. Ew. The press loved it. They put it on every front page.
His ‘people’ said it wasn’t his irrational fear of germs, it was his phobia of
‘slopes’. Ha ha ha.
A relief from all the hype and manipulation: The White House misspelled her
name three – three! times. Her Christian name, not her surname – although….
One of The Donald’s tweets had to be corrected when he wrote: honer instead of
(US spelling) honor. Dumb and dumber?
Assuming Brexit takes years, we might be saved for a bit from hormone-pumped
beef and chlorine-bleached chickens, the US takeover of the NHS – oh dear, oh
dear, the list is truly endless. Truly endless and truly frightening! Single trade
deals with the EU £288bn, with the US £88bn.
Trade experts have warned signing such UK diminishing deals without the EU
judicial system will almost inevitably mean signing up to systems known as
‘ISDS’ (Investor State Dispute Settlement) – secretive, binding arbitration
systems which can force countries to overturn their laws corporations don’t like.
Not another one!?
Well, thank you Theresa. We are now officially the 51st state, as Theresa wants
the US & the UK to rule the world together. At least for this week. Theresa
delivered on her ingratiating promise – her means into the White House – that
The Donald will be given a full state visit. His people have made very specific
demands. Demands? Really? They clearly feel they are entitled to dictate
protocol. The Telegraph reported that he wants more pomp and ceremony
during his visit than any other American leader. He demands to play golf on the
Queen’s private golf course while she watches on. Feel free to gasp here. He
insists on tea with Wills and Ex-Waity and horses down the Mall. He won’t take
‘lectures’ from environmentalist Charles, in fact he will “take him on”. Oh dear.
His ‘people’ are demanding ‘a full Monty’ visit. What!? Oh dear. Do I have to say
dumb and dumber again? It will be “Theresa who?” soon after he tries to hold the
Queen’s hand don’t you know.
Theresa’s went off to ‘charm’ another despotic human rights violator, Turkey’s
President Erdogan, you know, the very one who has succeeded in the
destruction of democracy in Turkey. Theresa’s deal? BAE Systems and TAI
(Turkish Aerospace Industries) will work together to develop the TF-X Turkish
fighter program. And then she shook his hand. Perfect. Desperate Theresa is
clearly living in a delusional world. The problem is, it’s her own.
I Thought You Liked Me
It’s been reported our roving-grovelling-disgraced-former-politician Michael Gove
has been given a contract to write a biography of his mentor. By the way, Mike,
he has no friends. Oh dear. Where does that leave you?
Mike’s been ‘beaten to the Trump punch’ (you’ll see how this Americanism works
a few lines down). ‘Trump Revealed: a comprehensive examination of the US
President-elect.’ And the authors? Washington Post reporters Michael Kranish
and Mark Fisher. £9.99.
Hmmm. Possibly no worries, Mike, as yours well be naturally nauseatingly
obsequious. Not so with the Washington Post boys. They report how our
Donny, aka ‘The Trumpet’ and ‘Flat Top’ (even then – scary) was quite the little
shit. He was almost a little temperamental replica of The Donny we know now.
So, not the usual rant, but a few facts concerning The Donald’s childhood. Yes.
That bright-orange-teeny-mouth-tiny-hands-bizarre-gesturer was once a child.
And it wasn’t pretty. But you assumed that already didn’t you?
He taunted, he was disruptive, he bullied, he beat up other children. But he out
shown himself as sadistic as well when he was caught throwing stones at a next
door neighbour’s toddler placed in a playpen in the back garden. You know
you're thinking ‘Damien’ aren’t you? There’s more. At seven or eight he
punched his music teacher in the eye because “I didn’t think he knew anything
about music…” and seven-year-old Donny did? When asked last year, seventy-
year-old Donny’s response: “When you’re that age, nobody punches very hard.”
Even his parents weren’t too keen on him. At about 13 “he was essentially
banished from the family home” according to yet another biographer, Michael D’
Antonio. He was enrolled in a military boarding school 70 miles from home. And
how did he conduct himself while there? He literally tried to push a cadet he
shared a room with, out a window. Evidently the cadet overreacted when
enraged Donny overreacted to the cadet’s unmade bed by ripping the bed linen
off. Other cadets had to save him. Really. Donny evidently was “insanely neat”
and had an obsession with folding things into perfect squares: pants, socks, etc.
When he was 18 he told a fellow cadet: “I’m going to be very famous one day.”
The cadet’s response: “You’re probably going to be president.” Now you have a
revealing picture of who is actually in the White House. Do I need to say the
usual? Be afraid, be very afraid….
Undress to Impress
On a favourite subject of The Donald’s, women, the government, this government
is saying firms which enforce sexist dress codes will be fined. Fined? Why not
Men have ordered women at work to wear revealing clothes – unbuttoned
blouses (where would we be without breasts on show at work?), short skirts, high
heels, heavy makeup constantly reapplied, coloured hair - preferably blond. No,
not in their local brothel, but it may as well be. Come on now: “It’s creepy!”
These men are creepy. These men are creeps. The women risk being sacked if
they don’t comply. In Parliament, Theresa said she thought gender-based dress
codes encouraged professionalism. What does that mean specifically? What
are gender-based dress codes? Comfortable suits for men and those ubiquitous
short form-fitting dresses with stilettos for women?
The solution? Go naked. People are happiest without clothes. Sigh. Lead
researcher, Dr Keon West of Goldsmiths, University of London interviewed 850
British people. No exhibitionists, cannibalistic tribes? It was determined that
when people went naked in public, they were happiest. Oh please.
The data suggested that ‘seeing other people naked was more important than
being naked’. What? But I thought the analysis showed being naked makes
people happy, not being prurient. So then partners should be ecstatic since they
are often naked in front of each other. I’m thinking this is utter tosh. Should
there be ‘let’s get naked’ days at the office then?
Need a bit of good news? The Bishopsgate’s Institute in London, housing
historical collections is requesting people to send in their placards, photos, T-
shirts, etc. they have received 200 photos with 20 promises of placards.
And now for the bad news. Only one female performer has been included in the
Reading and Leeds festivals. An American band fronted by a Chrissy
Constanza. The line-up currently features 57 men. It has been aptly called the
“we hate women festival 2017”. Evidently this is what the organisers, Festival
Republic normally do.
And now for the worst. Sorry, but it’s impossible to ignore. An American study
discovered that by the time girls are six, they think boys are smarter, even
brilliant. How is that possible? What possible evidence is there? The American
study thought the results were “worrisome”. Really? Just worrisome? In the UK
boys five-sixteen get an average of £2.20 more pocket money than girls. £10.70
vs £8.50 per week. Why you should ask? Because they can. It just never ends.
Silly I know, but tell me why when EastEnders attempted drama and trauma
sending a double-decker bus moving at three miles an hour crashing into the
Walford market, why did only girls and women cry, scream, get hysterical? The
soap has that undercurrent of misogyny, but really? Only girls and women?
OK. OK. I give up. Heroine of the Moment (and hopefully for many more) is
lawyer Gina Miller, who forced the government to relinquish its illegal tyrannical
ploy in regards to Brexit. Brilliant, but I must mention Michael Gove’s wife, by
Daily Mail ‘columnist’ Sarah Vine, called her “a pushy posh mum.” See. She
proves again why she’s married to Mike. She has a reputation as a ‘pushy wife’.
Feel free to be repulsed.