|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
25 January 2015
|Handbags At Dawn
Sigh...yawn.... We've been inundated with the media's obsession with the Page
3 game Murdock's tabloid the Sun has played. The boys at the Sun pretending
to remove the 44 year old breasts for a few days, only to return them - obviously
(appropriately) a 'fuck you' to women. The Sun called it a 'mammary lapse'. That
should tell you all you need to know regarding the level of intelligence of the
'news' paper and its readers.
The "I want to see breasts when I eat my breakfast, when I'm on the tube, when I
have my hand down my pants, when I sit on the sofa with my kids...I want
breasts to be available when I want to see available Debbie from Derby, Mindy
from Manchester. It's my god-given right. End of" side vs the "Oh for god's sake.
If you seriously think this regressive, anachronistic display isn't anti-women,
you're pathetic and an idiot and shouldn't be allowed to vote."
Let's hope the tawdry, tacky, nasty, insidious Sun doesn't take the anti-Page 3
campaigners' slogan literally: 'Turn Your Back on Page 3' by adding big bums to
the breast page.
Page 3 'glamour models' - cue: laugh out loud here, roll on the floor laughing,
shriek with laughter - were very cross. Oh dear. Be afraid. Possibly due to their
small brains rather than their breasts, they dressed down (sorry - vilified) "flat-
chested feminists". Go ahead. Laughing is permitted here as well.
Everybody had a single-minded opinion. On BBC's This Week, Lola LaCole
from Ireland lectured the sad feminists who want gender equality, while covered
in 4" of thick yellow (huh?) makeup, uncovered by a totally transparent top
revealing a basic white bra (huh?), that getting her kit off is an expression of
her sexuality. Exhibitionism is an expression of sexuality - oh really. She tried
her best to sound clever (ha) by using art as an appropriate analogy. Tutting
Lola said women have been depicted naked all through history...why take those
cave drawings for example. Oh Lola, darling, they were about fecundity...not
'Up-his-own-bum' ex-Cabinet Minister now peacock-of-the-walk, Michael Portillo
was incensed. I thought Andrew Neil would have to call for the paramedics.
Pretentious Portillo snarled removing those breasts was pathetically prudish. He
spit that should the new Rubens exhibition at the Royal Academy be banned? He
couldn't stop. Did he actually say those breasts represented free speech or did I
imagine it? Thank god he didn't pull the Magna Carta card. Andrew should have
restrained him, but he was in agreement. Oh Andrew, Andrew. How
disappointing. And why is pompous Portillo a regular on the programme exactly?
I can't think of one reason. Alan Johnson was naturally wise as always. I'm sure
I don't have to say what side he was on. Let me just say we love him on the
PP, sporting blindingly bright, disparate outfits, has been travelling around
Europe and Britain for BBC retracing the railway journeys from Bradshaw's
Handbook 1861. Perfect.
Now do you suppose PP has had a rapturous response to American designer
Rick Owen's Paris Fashion Week? It was not naked breasts we are soooo used
to. No, it was the male bits. Yes. Penises on show. Four models walked the
catwalk with peepholes perfectly placed.
Well, there apparently is a new interest in penises. Really. If you missed them:
guests were force-fed (only joking) penis-shaped canapés at Acne’s
spring/summer 2015 party. Then there was Walter Van Beirendonck's
spring/summer 2014 show a year previously displaying penises on his metallic
snakeskin brogues...as you do.
The male models were nonplussed: one told the Guardian, “It was not a thing at
all". Did he mean 'not a big thing' then?