LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
22 June 2014
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Bad Hare Day

Novelist (Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit) Jeannette Winterson revelled in her
recent rabbit kill. She tweeted a lovely photo of her execution: a half-skinned
rabbit that had dared to eat her precious parsley. "Rabbit ate my parsley. I am
eating the rabbit."

It wasn’t simply that the irate Winterson trapped, killed, skinned, tweeted, ate
the rabbit; it was her incensed vengeful indignant and her palpable pleasure
from her self-righteousness. Not quite live and let live, was it?

Oh dear. Polanski’s
Repulsion comes to mind.... Does Winterson carry a
purse? I do hope so.


Keep Your Hair On

Perhaps not. MP for Lichfield, Michael Fabricant, former Conservative party
vice-chairman, wants to punch columnist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown in the throat.
You read right. In the throat. Not in the nose, mouth, face – as you might
threaten - but in the throat. Who says that?

Matted-straw or is it an awkwardly placed dead dog  -  no matter, ludicrous wig-
wearing MF says that.

The graceless misogynist, who had the bloody nerve post a photo of himself in
his constituency demonstrating a stop violence against women campaign last
year proudly grasping a placard: ‘Real Men Don’t Hit Women’... only in the
throat?...while gleefully outfitted in pink: shirt, trousers, feather boa. His ‘hair’
remained untouched.

The real man tweeted: “I would either end up with a brain haemorrhage or by
punching her in the throat,” after watching another ‘real man’, the rude, crude
Rod Little, an associate editor of
The Spectator, try to reduce Alibhai-Brown to
a drivelling example of female acquiescence in a TV debate.

Naturally numerous men joined in to tweet vile thoughts they had about that
woman. Oh tell me you’re surprised. Is it possible that that thing on his head is
preventing his brain from exploding as a consequence to his stupidity?

Caught out, MF said it was a joke. Punching a woman usually is – no? Then MF
retweeted one of his admirer’s suggestion that  Alibhai-Brown be deported!  
After 40 years. The perfect reaction. MF finds her to be “utterly infuriating!” So
is spiteful misogyny.


It's The Hair Stupid

Stupid hair it is. Just when we thought we could sigh a relief with the end of
quiff on top, shaved on the sides style – it’s not only back with a vengeance, it’s
ubiquitous. And there’s no ‘look away now’ possible.

The frightened animal look – and yes, think about – animal fur standing up to
attention when threatened – has been taken up by far too many of the players
in the World Cup.

Not used to great affect for England’s Raheem Sterling was it? If he’s trying to
play better, look taller than his 5’6”, it isn’t working. Could the England team (I’m
struggling to use that word) be spending more time in front of the mirror than
practicing on the pitch. “Does my hair look big like this?”

In competition for ‘I am my hair’ are: Brazil’s Neymar and his bleached
mohawk with Ivory Coast’s Serey blindly following his lead, Portugal’s Meireles
has gone for the mohawk plus bushy beard combo – so wrong, so wrong,
Cameroon’s Assou-Ekotto’s massive afro enhanced with an alice band rather
like a fluffy mushroom – really now, US’s Beckerman has grown a Medusa-
inspired dreaded dreadlocked mullet – ew, could it be Ghana’s Gyan who not
only created a sculpted hair mound, but had the number 3 added to the shaved
side who wins? The hair competition, not the World Cup.

It’s a clear-cut (oh so sorry) decision: the Dutch should win simply for not
looking like macho morons. Plus they are good.


Heir Apparent

Football pundit and former player, Alan Hansen said “the simple truth” and all
there needs to be said: England, not eliminated from the group stage since 1(!),
“are not good enough to succeed on the world stage. England failed in Brazil
because of a lack of skill, a weak defence and a dearth of good youngsters...”
He goes on to explain, but it’s just not worth the time. We should learn by now.
Don’t hope.

Suarez made a magnificent goal with a dodgy leg. Must have been his ‘normal’
haircut.


Hair Of The Dog

Oh here we are again: 297,527 alcohol consuming celebrants attended A&Es
ending the week of the start of the World Cup, an increase on any week since
records began 4 years ago, or possibly ever. Clearly they were drinking away
their disappointment at the pitiful England losses. And again: domestic violence
increases when England attempts to play, increasing by 25% 4 years ago. The
NHS is not disclosing the numbers so far this year.
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