LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
24 November 2013
Mr Green Goes Blue

PM CallMeDave shows his true colours. He’s no longer green. It has been
revealed he is in fact b***. Not only has CMD become famous, or infamous for
all his ubiquitous U-turns, now we know of his use of expletives to express his
Etonian education. As you do.

CMD uses perfectly controlled, calculated spin-speak in public, but when not
being monitored, watched, taped, our boy Dave has been using the language of
the people. F***, f******, B******, c***, t*****, w******, t****, ad inf. He’s
referred to journalists as ‘bastards’ and ‘fuckers’, called Clegg ‘an idle fucker’
and told aides to ‘get rid of all the green crap’. He wants the ripped-off-over-
charged public to cheer uproariously (and vote Tory next election) for the minor
minus in their energy bills. Oh dear Dave. We know you U-turned because the
European-owned energy companies don’t like the colour green...unless it’s the
colour of their currency.

So adding a windmill on his house, hug-a-husky-in-the Arctic-green Dave was
having us on. Is that possible? Dave being duplicitous? CMD is going to dump
the coalition’s commitments to ‘the greenest government ever’. End of.

Puerile CallMeDave has defended the archaic, sexist, infuriating breast
exposing Page Three of the tabloid Sun while demanding an end to on-line
porn. Bless.

Lib Dem president Tim Farron told
The Sun tabloid: “The ‘green crap’, as the
Tories call it, are the funds that pay for insulating the homes of elderly people
and which support thousands of British manufacturing jobs”. Cold kills more
than 20,000 people in the UK each winter. All that leaking hot air, Dave.


Genius At Work

Self-proclaimed, self-assessed, self-obsessed ‘genius’ Kanye West has
announced to those who aren’t familiar with his rare trait: “People get mad at
me saying that I am a creative genius but it’s just obvious. It’s like, factual...(like
f a c t u a l) I’m not a musician (he said it, saving us from having to). I would
write creative genius when I go through the airport...in customs [forms]...except
for two reasons. It takes too long to write and sometimes I spell the word genius
wrong.” 14 letters vs 8. Ohhh. A 5 letter difference. Now that is a challenge.
Genghis, genious, genieus, jeeneeus. 6 letters to memorise, Kanye. Couldn't he
ask his (what’s her point again?) wife to help him? Or one of his entourage?
Evidently not.

In his latest green-screen video he has pimped his naked-from-the-waist-up
wife on a motorbike. I don’t have to mention her name as
The Daily Mail does it
every single day of the year. You don’t have to guess that he was fully dressed,
as any genius would be.

Known to dress alike in matching outfits – crikey - shouldn’t someone tell them
how naff, daft, sad that is? But I suppose if you are either pointless or a g-e-n-i-
u-s....


I'm Not a Celebrity, Keep Me In

I’m not a celebrity...get me out of here. I don’t suffer through I’m a Celebrity.
Once you’ve seen so-called celebrities swallow animal brains, sets of testicles,
make friends with rat families and masses of creepy crawlies, why suffer
another time or three?

Despite my resistance, despite my attempt to ignore contrived, boring reality
shows, despite my defiance at being manipulated - I reluctantly succumbed. I
watched clips of Matthew Wright – so wrong.

Former tabloid journalist, Matthew commands the topical daytime TV show,
The
Wright Stuff
, clearly authorising him as a bona fide celebrity. On his show, he
is unnecessarily regularly rude, arrogant, mostly mean to his informed call-in
audience.

He used to alternate between ranting about his ex-wife and Jeremy Kyle, his
nemesis in his view. Then he got married to a short woman whose obsessions
are handbags and shoes. Hmmm. So then he began repeating that his father-in-
law was a cab driver. Oh so cool. Really? Plus all his dodgy mates in prison.
Really? Matthew repeats ad nauseum that he’s from – hold breath here –
Croyden. Really? Really. He lives in Primrose Hill, but refers to the charming
area as less posh, edgier Camden.

The most irritating is his shrill insincere ‘heeeheeeheee’ when he wants to
express his gratuitous response to a guest. You wish they would knock him off
his chair as it is so false, forced and annoying. Not someone you’d want to
spend time with in the jungle under any circumstances.

The first day in the celeb-jammed jungle, we saw Matthew weeping over his
hysterical fear of bugs. Jungle...bugs...quelle surprise. Next we see him totally
unflappable, unmoved when they crawl all over him – even into his ear. No
worries. No problem. We see Matthew supporting the thicker than molasses,
Joey Essex, who’s reported as genuinely sweet and lovely. But – drum roll - we
hear Matthew suspecting Joey of acting stupid and scheming. Joey had beaten
Matthew in every trial at that point. Matthew: the maturity of a gnat?

Matthew described himself as "quite a girly guy, terrified of spiders. I would say
'scared', but that wouldn't do my terror justice."   But he hasn’t feigned fainting
a la Gillian McKeith – as yet.       

This culminates (thus far) in attention-grabbing Matthew camping it up under
the legendary Myleene Klass-waterfall-moment in a white bikini – yes, a small
white bikini which oh dear me slips to reveal... Joey a bit shocked, but
accepting a hug from Matthew. He sneaked in his wife’s bikini? Or was he
wearing it. His wife has said he has many more surprises up his pants. Creepy
crawly guy.

Westlife’s Kian Egan admitted Matthew could get ‘tetchy’. Those who know and
love him as a polarising figure say he is camp and ‘complicated’. . A
euphemism for – your guess - a manipulative, annoying, nasty git or is there
more? CallMeDave might call him a f****** w***** - behind his back naturally.
Keep him in. But don’t vote him to win.
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