Letters From London
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I Really Want It - 30 May 2009
Another year, another talent…only clearly not to all. Lily Allen, daughter of actor Keith Allen, in
her wisdom felt it her duty to inform the public, including the massive millions of You Tube
viewers, that the-popular-with-all Susan Boyle hasn’t much talent. “I thought her timing was off on
Britain’s Got Talent on Sunday - no control, and I don’t think she has an amazing voice.” Lily
Twittered that 12 year old Shaheen had more…more than Lily certainly. Smile. Where oh where
would Lily be without nepotism? Unnecessarily cruel to someone who had been deprived of
oxygen at birth…Susan that is.
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Mum's the Word - 22 October 2009
Am I drunk? No. So it must be time warp time again.
With surrealism filling the air, the list is out of publicity possessed celebs who are being
considered for Celebrity Mum of the Year. A bit of an oxymoron really. Geri Halliwell, Samantha
Cameron, Kate Moss, Katie Price – who is barely recognisable after her latest surgery to create
a ‘separated-at-birth’ relationship with Janice Dickenson…not a good look…not a good choice.

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Breast is Not Always Best - 13 November 2009               
Is this breast-awareness week? Breast-exhibitionist week more like.
Photo opportunity addicted Nicole Kidman has seemingly added and then flattened two small
birthday balloons when she secured her place on the red carpet at the Country Music Awards
with her husband, Keith Urban, who was giving her and her party favours ‘an admiring glance’.
Well, actually, he looks more glazed, dazed and confused.  “Am I actually married to this breast-
inflated woman who appears in the press every two days? Am I drinking again? I’ll only know
after I read her latest interview.”
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D-I-V-A Diva - 28 November 2009
“You’re sitting on a kitten!”
“No she isn’t. We couldn’t get them…health and safety again.”
“Theirs I’m assuming.”
“She threw another fit. She refused to meet the masses without her kittens. She wanted to feel
the little heartbeats in the palms of her hands. Plus the furry bit naturally.”
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I Resolve... - 15 January 2010
Jade Jagger:
Resolution: “I resolve not to continue to sexualise my two tarty mini-me-girls, 13 and 16, as I
have done since they were 8 and 10 or were they 6 and 8? No more nose-bleeding-high high
heels, porn star make-up, diaphanous dresses slit up to the waist and down to the waist - like
me.  And no more posing provocatively as if we are about to have sex with a rugby team.”
Reality: “Are you mad? I am the centre of the whole universe and I do exactly what I want no
matter how untalented, solipsistic, supercilious, and simply stupid I am. Ask any of my servants!”

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All the News Not Fit to Print - 6 February 2010
It is all so mind numbing – yet so much news, so little time. Avarice, arrogance, duplicity,
exhibitionism, sex, slovenliness – all in one week.
2009 Dad of the Year, now ex-captain of the England team, John Terry ‘having problems in his
marriage’ as one plastic-cheek-boned-hair-extentions-flung-over the-shoulder Wag repeated over-
and-over-and-over again in an interview.
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This Sporting Life - 28 February 2010
“’My dog ate my homework’ I mean my mother-in-law made me do it.”
Cheryl and Ashley…Ashley and Cheryl…Cheryl and Ashley… argh.  Bombarded from every
media source until déjà vu has become the norm with the footballer’s sexual antics and Cheryl’s
‘shocking’ decision to remove her wedding ring and opt for a quickie – divorce.
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Off with Her Head - 19 June 2010
Luvvie Dame Helen Mirren captivated her loyal American subjects on the David Letterman Show.
Presumably most of the audience believe she is the Queen…as does DHM herself. Everybody
who has a TV or reads the papers knows she traces her lineage to Russian aristocracy.
Yawning is appropriate here.
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No Way To Treat a Lady - 8 August 2010
For the last few months luvvie, and ‘fantastically twee’ actress/scriptwriter/agony aunt/histrionic
Emma Thompson has been espousing her opinions on working women, the beloved Audrey
Hepburn, the too thin, ad inf to everybody not running in the opposite direction.
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