|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
29 September 2018
|Good For a Laugh
Journalists, presenters were all laughing and joking about the Tory conference –
before it began. They were laughing and joking about how the conference
couldn’t be more excruciatingly embarrassing than last year. You know, when
letters fell off the slogan behind Theresa, who had that unrelenting coughing fit
and the joke P45 – and of course, the fact that her keynote speech included
lines directly lifted from the US show, The West Wing. What could be more
pathetic than that? The West Wing? Yet another one of her favourite US shows?
Hmm. So is the Tory party the joke party? Now we are all laughing and joking –
except for the Tories and – erm – Brandon Lewis, party chairman, of course.
Sometimes reality surpasses all imagined expectations. And the Tories did just
that this year as you surely know already. A reminder: the problem? A debacle
really. A massive farcical flaw. The Tories' conference app reveals full contact
details of each registered person: simply enter their email address. Oh
goodness me. Can we ring Moggy? Please. Moggy - available in the public
domain. What’s not to love? With the potential of costing them £20 million, we
The Tories grasp of technology is extraordinary. Oh right. Ha. The Irish border
issue? That technological solution. Come on now: ha ha ha. Ideas include
electronic pre-registration of people before crossing, enhanced driving licenses
and computer-aided border surveillance. Now you are really laughing. Ignoring
the fact that it is impossible – can you imagine them implementing this? No need
to answer. Hahahahaha.
Bored to Death
No policy ideas, except for those stolen from Labour, enough tedious rhetoric to
create a collective blackout, Boris out to devour and destroy Theresa…why
bother to watch it? As if you could.
Next week it will be death by a thousand cuts. Well, we already have that don’t
we? But it could also be death by coma. Delivered by boring Boris; repetitive,
tedious, capricious, confused - wrong. Collectively: yawn. 4,500 word ‘creative
endeavour’ in the Telegraph with nothing new. He wants to be king. End of. OK.
PM. Paid by the word, Boris? Didn’t Boris choose Brexit vs Remain by the flip of
a coin as rumoured? If nothing, the man is principled. As we will certainly see in
He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother
Really? Excuse moi – sister…sisters? Really! Oh right. Only brothers are heavy
then. Curiously it was a Neil Diamond hit in America 1970, but it didn't make any
chart impact in the UK. Take note please. En masse obsessive Corbynistas
singing. Oh dear god. Possibly inspiration for Jezza?
COMRADES! ATTENTION! Addressing the Labour lot at the Labour party
conference, one of Jeremy’s closest allies, MP Laura Smith called for a general
“Comrades, we must topple this cruel and callous Tory government as soon as
we can. And if we can’t get a general election. We should organise with our
brothers and sisters in the trade unions to bring an end to this government with a
general strike.” Followed by a 30-second standing ovation from Momentum
comrades. Leninist caps for all! All together now: Comrades unite!
Having a problem remembering the last general strike in Britain? 1926. The TUC
called on its 1.7 million members to walk out in solidarity with coal miners facing
reduced wages and longer working hours due to too many miners and too many
pits. With the government’s threat to sack all strikers and seize the union’s
assets, the strike was called off by the trade union leaders. Disaster for all.
So here we are 2018. It would be illegal for workers to strike en masse in a
general protest against the government under current trade union laws. Well,
comrades? Your move…or rather, your strike.
The BBC missed when the plans for a female joint deputy leader were
announced and then reneged. The BBC thought, being ever so clever, why not
let the people choose according to fairy cake choices. No really. Although the
little cakes are now Americanised to cupcakes naturally, canvassing Labour
members as to whom they would like to see as a female Labour leader,
cupcakes were clearly a natural – erm – traditional choice. Really.
OK. Trying to ignore the image of the happy little woman in her perfectly ironed
pinny whipping up fairy cakes for her happy little family, the three offers were –
‘white’. Politics Live presenter Elizabeth Glinka claimed the women and the
cupcakes were ‘white’ because the choices were made based on odds from
The next leader of the party could be decided by the bookies? ‘cupcakes’?
Whose enlightened idea was this then? Patronising? Surely not. Pathetic?
Surely not. Cupcake baking women are still only represented in parliament by
32%. Patronising? Surely not. Pathetic? Surely not.
We all know Sir Keir Starmer, you know, the shadow Brexit secretary, didn’t
follow the plan, the script, the rules, instead he – gosh! Went rogue; he ad-
He said the unspeakable word: remain! Zut alors! Mon dieu! Receiving a
standing ovation when he said Remain would remain as an option, telling the hall
that 'nobody is ruling out Remain as an option'. All together now: clamping and
cheering – standing up is up to you.
McDonnell had done his best to adamantly reject this and Keir went ahead
without his blessing, even after one of the McDonnell’s rabid Corbynistas twisted
his arm behind his back. Ouch! Well, OK. But you know they wanted to. Too
many witnesses? Surely Unite chief Len McCluskey passed Keir a note: ‘you’re
dead’ was crossed out – instead ‘watch your back’. Goodness me. Len could get
his entire union to make Keir retract his ad-lib. OK. OK. Don’t tell Len.
93% of Labour party members would vote to stay in the EU according to YouGov
polls. Uh. Major oops here. Self-appointed king Jezza, aided by his king-in-
waiting, man behind the throne – McDonnell of course – have made the
decisions for all, all being the significant word here, the decisions. “Party? No
thanks. I don’t do parties. Oh. THAT party. Hmm. Really my party. Mine. My
labourers in my Labour party.” McDonnell announced there would be no
‘people's vote’ – end of. He respected the referendum too much. Oh John. We
Giving the All Clear
Where was our dancing queen? The UN. Perfect. Theresa announced she
wanted to be perfectly clear – she repeated it in case the word ‘clear’ was not
clear. Let me help Theresa here. C L E A R. She wants the UK to have “the
lowest rate of corporation tax in the G20” after Brexit, making it “one of the most
business-friendly economies in the world”. Clear translation? More austerity for
the lowly masses…more money for the rich. Nothing new there. Is that clear
While in NY, let’s not forget Baby Trump…oh how we so wish we could. Ah.
Repeat. Ahhhh. There’s Theresa rolling over like an obedient poodle to beg Baby
Trump for toxic trade deals. Yes, it’s back to toxic food surely. Is that BT
handing her a bleached chicken? Finances, farming, aviation are all protected in
the US and would not be in any way advantageous for Little Britain. Do we
foresee a problem? Theresa doesn’t, but then she never does, does she?
Oh must we do that ‘she’d sell her soul if she had one’? That’s always been
clear, but dignity as well, if she had any? Best to block those gone viral dance
moves from you mind. Quickly.
No one has a plan, right? Not quite. Shanker Singham, ‘leading trade lawyer’
and author of the “Plan A+”. The IEA’s (Institute of Economic Affairs) plan is
What we should have been doing all along is to be signing loads of other trade
deals with the US and the rest of the world – OK so far – ready? but behind the
EU’s back. Sworn to secrecy then? Baby Trump – sworn to secrecy. Oh do stop
rolling on the floor laughing until you cry.
“The US was apparently just gagging (oh ew) to do deals before it knew what
final trade arrangement we had agreed with the EU – because the EU would
definitely never have found out was going on and pointed out its illegality.” This
from the country’s ‘leading trade lawyer’. Oh. The very same who has worked on
the privatisation of the UK electricity market. Now how long would trust this
‘leading trade lawyer’? Not even long enough to hear him say: “Plan A plus”.
What do you need more than life? No. No. You already have the new £1000
phone, don’t you? It’s self-lacing trainers of course. Ready and waiting for you
are the Nike’s Air Jordan XXXIII trainers. Possibly inspired by all those Tories –
missing the point here, right? They can’t tie their own shoes? OK. Moving on….
You did get the obvious – right?
So how did they do it? The new must have or die trainers’ self-lacing technology
is activated by pulling a thin elastic cord just above the shoe’s tongue. This
tightens a series of elastic cables inside the trainer, allowing it to tightly grip the
wearer’s foot. And to untie the laces? Simple enough. The wearer pulls a small
yellow cord located next to the tongue. Voila! That technology all for £134.
Available in October possibly. Best to queue now. Right? Really.
You need to know this. Trust me. Termite colonies have been found to thrive and
reproduce without males. See. You know you did.
The new findings from the University of Sydney revealed that males aren't
required to maintain some advanced animal populations. Blimey!
Did we know that many hymenopteran insect species – that’s bees and ants -
are in fact essentially all-female societies. Of course we did. Queen bee et al.
But termites are from a different insect order. Hmm.
The professor says asexual reproduction could allow termites to successfully
adapt to a range of new environments. I’m thinking society, the economy, the
government - feel free to add your own here.