|Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
“100 pages of unrivalled coverage detailing the first royal wedding of the new generation. It
includes stunning photos of the fairytale ceremony at St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle and
the evening celebrations at stately mansion Frogmore House, as well as an intimate, step-by-
step account of the proceedings,” according to celebrity suck-up magazine, Hello! They had front
row seats at the royal wedding of the Queen’s first grandchild. Dear me.
Begrudgingly and embarrassed, I slid my £2 over the counter for my glossy keep-sake copy at a
newsagent where I never go and asked for a plastic bag.
“Wearing a smile to melt a glacier…nipped in Autumn’s slender waist…slightly cheeky
bow…tumble of blonde hair…(the Kellys) gave way to a sudden explosion of clapping, whooping
and whistling throughout the chapel (lovely, really lovely)… high-spirited, fun ambience…chatting
and larking.” Plus 13 page-filling, doting pages of Kate baring her flawless teeth, I mean smiling
And we are all so relieved to know the bride is ‘very intelligent’ – is that a euphemism for
ambitious? And the groom is ‘really, really happy’ – but no mention of Autumn ‘brimming with
happiness like a fountain of champagne’. Gag-making the first time around, but repeated, the text
was tedious, sycophantic and amateurish. When I finally reached page 110, I felt like I had just
chomped through a box of cheap milk chocolate and about to be sick.
"The whole thing was just fantastic from beginning to end," says Peter. "I wouldn't have changed
a single thing. It's just one big happy (£500,000) memory."
The bride told Hello! "I ran upstairs, looked on the internet and shouted down [to her mother]:
'This is him! This is Peter!' That was the point at which she said: 'Oh, Autumn! What have you
gotten yourself into?' Literally, Pete and I were together all that time and I had no idea."
Called ‘Princess Autumn’ at school, now renamed ‘Princess Pushy’, replacing or rivalling Princess
Michael of Kent who has had that infamous title for years - didn’t recognise Peter until she saw
him on TV while watching a documentary about Prince William's 21st birthday with her mother –
six weeks into their relationship. Really? No. Really!
"It's just a bit, well, WAG-ish," sniffed one senior courtier, "it has not gone down well in some
quarters." The Queen’s? Some insiders say she had been made aware of the chav-ish covenant.
The couple spent £50,000 for their discount wedding with pressure, deals, haggling on wedding
invitations, private photographs, party organizers, but supposedly not the dress… with quotes of
£2,000 or £7,000. Hmmmm. A friend defended the couple: "What young couple starting out on a
new life together don't try to save money? Fabulously wealthy privileged Royal ones?
A family friend: "It was always expected that Autumn would make money, and she has always
been attracted to it because she didn't have a lot of it growing up. As with most weddings, the
bride's parents are shouldering a significant proportion of the costs.”
Let me remove the wool pulled over my eyes. Autumn’s financially strapped parents paid/didn’t
pay, financially flush Princess Anne didn’t want to open up her purse –the public purse we
bestow on her, Autumn has a job with Sir Michael Parkinson, Peter is a high-earner for the Royal
Bank of Scotland who just happens to have inherited £7m from the Queen Mother, his great-
grandmother. £7m in the bank, a £500,000 payout for 100 pages, an undisclosed high salary,
Canadian dollars from the in-laws, free use of St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle and
Frogmore Hall from Granny…a standard middle-class £50,000 (that’s William and Harry
nightclubbing for a week) wedding with mousse and mini sugared doughnuts for desert…
doughnuts. Now that is tasteless.
Tawdry, tacky, crass and oh goodness me… common come to mind…and boring, boring, boring.
No panache, élan, elegance, flair…an uninspired half-million pound wedding.
Our new 11th in line princess gushed: “I was frightened of walking down the aisle. But when
I…saw how many of our family and friends had turned out to support us, I stopped being scared
and actually enjoyed it.” Did she think misunderstand the exclusive clause in the Hello! contract
and that all those free wedding invites were sent to the Hello! staff exclusively? “Oh look, Pete!
Could that be my mother in the last pew! She came all the way from Canada!”
The gift list is out and surely the Queen will be sending recycled Tupperware, Princess Ann
perhaps a case of that miracle hairspray that has maintained that bird’s nest on her head for 40
years, Kate “he’s lucky to have me” Middleton a job seeker’s form, I know I will be sending one
of the suggested £3 face towels from Peter Jones with a card chosen from the you-must-be-
having-a laugh-humour section of the store.
Kate’s mother will be so disappointed now that the Queen has placed a ban on the royals selling
their souls for access to weddings, christenings and other major events being sold for cash in
hand. Can’t you just see her Majesty waving the happy couple off on their honeymoon. “You say
Hello! I say goodbye!”