LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
17 May 2019
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Going For It

Oh look. There’s Boris. “Of course I’m going to go for it.” Boris has thrown his
hair into the ring. l'Etat c'est moi …Brexit c'est moi …no-deal-Brexit c'est moi. Or
simply: moi, moi, moi.

Oh look! There’s Nige! Oh look! There’s Nige! Oh look! There’s Nige! Nige! Nige!
Missed the point? Been having too many duvet-days? No matter where you look,
the media is obsessively
displaying the grinning, teeth-baring nasty little lizard
man
. They are queuing up to display his creepy (you know it is) face on tv or in
print. They quote him or allow him to rant on and on and on. Without a
manifesto, clever or simply devious, the electorate has no way of holding Nige
and his Brexit Party candidates to account. So you may say, as politics seems
to be, all about hiding, lying, ad inf.
Basically you have two choices. Ahhh
Archie or aughhh Nige. No choice. Assuming Aaron Banks having banked Nige
illegally and surreptitiously is busy handing cash to Nige’s private party privately.

Oh look. It’s dance-floor-sliding dance partner Brexit Party member Ann
Widdecombe who has been talking – when  isn’t she? Speaking on BBC Radio
4, standing as a candidate in the European elections she said: “
It is as nothing
compared to the sacrifice
that we asked a previous generation to make in order
to ensure Britain’s freedom.” What? A no-deal Brexit ensures Britain’s freedom?

“My granny was bombed out in Plymouth. People lost sons and husbands and
fathers and they did this because they wanted freedom.” A bit of a non-sequitur,
Ann. And what is Ann suggesting then? Do we give a dancing monkey’s?
Absolutely not. There is no chance we will get nasty Nige and the dancing diva
out of our media-controlled minds. Prepare yourself.

War Bribe

Hmm. Clearly when the US Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo recently visited the
UK to threaten, Jeremy Hunt acquiesced.  As ex-Director of the CIA 2017-2018,
he surely knows all the tricks…OK evil tortures.

In a speech at the Lord Mayor’s Banquet Jeremy called for the UK to increase
its defence spending after Brexit. Goodness me. We must protect our Little
England shores from imminent invasion. Russia, China, Australia. According to
JH, since the Cold War threats facing the UK
have changed “markedly”, it’s “not
sustainable” to expect the US to spend 4% of its GDP on defence while other
Nato allies spent between 1% and 2%. Really? Rich controlling world power not
sustainable, JH?

The foreign secretary claimed that the UK “should decisively increase the
proportion of GDP we devote to defence”.
This could cost “tens of billions”.
Encouraging. He actually referred to the US government as “
our great ally”.
Hahahaha. Your turn. He insisted that the US won’t be left to defend “democratic
values” alone. What? What reality is he living in exactly? As everyone knows,
“democratic values” are anathema to the US government. The UK has the
seventh highest military spending in the world.

And lest we forget – as if we could – Jeremy is particularly enthusiastic about
those obscene arms sales to the Saudis to obliterate all human life in Yemen.
Oh, and lest we really forget, the Royal Air Force trains Saudi pilots preparing to
bomb civilians in Yemen. Not looking good is it? According to the UN, Yemen is
currently
the world’s worst humanitarian crisis.

Gummed Up

So Carole Middleton keeps the tradition going. Not sucking up to royalty, but  
gum chewing inappropriately at Royal attended events. She can trace her
gum
chewing lineage
back to the first humans who settled in Scandinavia more than
10,000 years ago. OK. Not literally. They left their DNA behind in ancient
chewing gums, which were made from birch bark pitch. No spearmint then.

Per Person at the Museum of Cultural History in Oslo said: "DNA from these
ancient chewing gums have an enormous potential not only for tracing the origin
and movement of peoples long time ago, but also for providing insights in their
social relations, diseases and food." Who knew? Best to leave Carole out of it as
we know of her attractive behaviour already.

Raging Bull****

If you have been missing your favourite American actors – really? – they have
generously given their time to appear on your telly. Clooney, Bacon, Keitel –
who promise to force us to hit change channels at least 15 times a day. You
know, George, Kevin and Harvey. Now we have “You talkin’ to me” De Niro
flogging bagels. Uh, we are, Bob. Apparently it is a narrative of sorts advert.
Yawn. Bagels. So boring. De Niro, Clooney, Keitel and of course Bacon (ha) so
boring.

Pulling a Rabbit Out of a Hat

And still thinking about cash - don’t we most of the time – ‘artist’ (up for
interpretation) Jeff Koons is thinking about how to splash the cash with his newly
acquired $91.1m (£71.1m) from the sale of his ‘Rabbit’ sculpture sold at
Christie's in NY. Details? It’s a 41” stainless steel cast of an inflatable which he
created in 1986. Christies described Rabbit as “cute, sinister, cartoonish,
imposing, vacuous, sexy, chilling, dazzling and ironic.” Overuse of the
thesaurus?
No ‘kitschy’ then? They didn’t even need to reference his infamous
series of explicit pictures of him with his Italian porn star ex-wife.

Hockney had previously held the record. His famous 1972 Pool with Two
Figures, you know the one, was sold for $90.3m (£70.3m) at Christie’s last year.

American art dealer Robert E. Mnuchin, father of The Donald’s treasury
secretary acquired it. Art dealer? And what do art dealers do exactly? They sell
art.
Are we noticing any irony here?

Oh. And there are three more, plus Koon’s artist’s proof. This the last held in
private hands. The hands of proof ‘the emperor’s clothes’ is alive and well.

Money Can Buy Happiness

Oh the money trail never ends. H&MM want the world to be revelling in mental
health and happiness, so what do you do? You promote an exclusive £900-a-
night retreat of course. It’s on their official Instagram. And why would they have
done this?
The happy retreat owner is one of Me-gain’s close friends. As you do.

The sooo modern royal couple told their 8 million followers that
they wanted to
‘shine a light
’ on those doing ‘amazing work for mental health’.  Perhaps with an
exorbitantly expensive scented candle? Well, you would need it after qualifying
as a sad sycophant who booked a £3,600 four-night retreat at one of the finest
hotels in the Caribbean.

See. Don’t you feel so much better already? If not, you can by reading an
interview last month with the retreat owner, MM bestie Taryn Toomey, one of her
NY baby shower attendee, said: “Even now that The Class is a success, I’m
always thinking about
how to create more cash flow so I can live a life that I
love.” Oh not gauche at all. For even more cash, her website also sells jewellery
including £1,227 ‘peach moonstones which 'Supports the heart, stimulates the
mind'. If you are truly deluded. Debateable commercial ventures can be so
healing – for the owner.

And – you just know there are magical skin care products. An £270 ‘anti-ageing’
serum, a £138.50 beauty balm to ease '
feelings of emotional anxiety'. A crucial
must-have product Ms Toomey is flogging are nail varnishes, £41.55. The
colours are described as 'soothing shades for the soul'. Collective eye-rolling
here.

The essential lifestyle she maintains has been augmented with the sale of her –
and her financier’s (quelle surprise here) sale of their £5 million Manhattan
apartment they sold in 2017.

The secret of her success? Not charging eye-watering exorbitant prices, but for
her business acumen: “
hire slow, fire fast”. Oh and her company is based in the
US tax haven state of Delaware. Did I already say this MM plug was gauche?

Vulgar? Crass?

And. Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall found out about the birth of The Baby on
their royal family WhatsApp group. Tindall explained on Good Morning Britain
that he was hoping to meet Archie - as soon as possible. Oh right. Nice Harry.

RIP the brilliant I M Pei who lived to the brilliant 102 years.
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