LETTERS FROM LONDON
1. CROWNING GLORY:
Once upon a time, in a land where the peasants were very poor and the rich
were very, very rich – rich enough to buy small countries - there lived two evil
queens-in-waiting. One was young and one was not.

The younger one had ridiculously shiny hair and newly whitened teeth. The
older one wore loads of diaphanous purple scarves round her neck. The
younger one thought herself ever so pretty. The older one didn’t give a
monkeys.

The two queens-in-waiting had many things in common: their obsession with
their rather silly hair, their lack of glamour or style, their unwillingness to work
or to do obligatory charity work, they were both a bit dim and quite lazy, they
both loved a drink, they both loved shooting small furry animals, they had
schemed and plotted their climb up the royal ladder from their youth.

The duplicitous Duchess, her preening prince and the royal courtiers had
cleverly conspired to crown her queen when the prince became king of the
land, but they hid this from the peasants who didn’t much like the duchess -
who years before had taken the title ‘queen’ behind closed doors - for her
ruthless ways after she had broken the heart of the prince’s first princess, loved
as the ‘people’s’ princess.

The younger queen-in-waiting and her prince calculated to appear ‘ordinary’
when they engaged with their humble subjects.

The mother of the younger future queen, being of lowly birth and ignorant of the
customs, ie; manners, was unwelcome at royal functions and kept in a tower by
The Firm until the wedding. Only one member of the family was included in the
wedding party - the equally ambitious older daughter, who schemed with her
sister to marry into royalty as well.

The archbishop said the marriage would last less than seven years. A
legendary astrologer predicted neither prince would ever become king and that
the younger wayward son would be crowned, leaving the queens-in-waiting
waiting for a very long time.

A wicked fairy, the uncle of the younger one, had planned to cast an evil spell
on the couple because he was not invited to their wedding. Oh. Never a good
idea.

The duchess was delighted when the new princess achieved her life’s ambition
because she then could retire to her big comfy house to smoke fags and drink
leaving her prince to whinge and moan to his staff of one hundred and five.
And they all lived like royals happily ever after as they collected massive taxes
from the poor.

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REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
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