LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
17 August 2011
1. Toffs Get Tough

The government is sending in the army – well an army – to ask ‘why did you do
it?’

“I emptied out
that shop because I paid for Cameron’s wisteria and his £77,000
new crap kitchen.”

“I emptied out
that shop because bankers are getting bigger bonuses than ever
and they are financing US cluster bomb manufactures.”

“I emptied out
that shop because MPs are still using our taxes to pay for their
taxis, travel, dinners, parties, clothing and holidays.”

“I emptied out
that shop because I need to look cool and Top Shop owner
billionaire Philip Green doesn’t pay taxes.”

“I emptied out
that shop because of Cameron’s complicity with Rupert Murdoch
and his world-wide domination.”

“I emptied out
that shop because I can’t afford to go to uni like toffs.”  [The only
shop they didn’t loot was Waterstones book shop.]

“I emptied out all those shops, threw bricks at coppers, smashed windows, beat
up neighbours, set fires because it was fun. We all need a bit of fun.”

“I’m baaaaaaaackkkk.” Happy holiday maker, practiced TV PR man, PM
CallMeDave is back in charge. All breathe a sigh of relief together now. Slick
CMD appeared in his shirt sleeves, with his hair slicked back in front of graffiti
appropriately spelling out BASE. CMD no longer wants to ‘hug-a-hoodie’ – now
he wants to hang them. He’s irate, he’s incensed, he’s infuriated, he’s inflexible,
he’s uncompromising, he’s utterly full of rhetorical rubbish.

CallMeDave has been ranting about Britain’s ‘sick society’. Was he referring to
the bottom or the top of society? What does CMD’s brain Steve Hilton have
planned?  Nothing. Toffs talk tough but the consensus is that nothing will
change.

Home secretary Theresa May who has taken charge of law and order is ready
to have Cameron’s favourite US ‘super’ cop Bill Bratton [who has now been
rejected as the new chief of the Met] kidnapped when he lands in London. She
sees him as a threat to her self-importance while the bungling, inept,
excessively inward-looking police commissioners want this to be an inside job.

Court sentencing has been a bit OTT. Traditionally rapists, paedophiles, wife
beaters are out in months...but now gazing enviously at a bottle of fizzy water
with an appealing label gets you 10 years in solitary.

Tory suggestions: curfews, blocking facebook/twitter/blackberrys, family
eviction from council houses, no balaclavas, hoods up, harsh justice,  massive
police/community/social services slashed  - or - national citizen service,
community reparations, inspirational education, vocational training, noblesse
oblige. So many empty proposals for an empty culture.
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