|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
3 March 2017
|Getting the Royal Treatment
“Royalty is all about pecking order, often in a cruelly blunt sense, and it is Kate
who has all the toys and the position.” Well, she simply followed the Middleton
stratagem for 10 years and won the crown, I mean prize. But all is not
pleasantries and curtsying at the Palace.
“Oh Kate. Can I borrow your hair styling tools? Oh right. You require at least five
hours to use them. Hmmm. I’ll have to get Daddy to increase my allowance to
allow me to buy my own. What product do you use to cover that grey? Oh right.
I won’t mention it again.”
Princess Beatrice is not a happy bunny – or princess. She – and who isn’t – is
just so tired of “living in Kate’s shadow.” That too thin to be a shadow shadow?
Evidently Ex-Waity was asked not to accompany Wills when he appeared at the
Baftas. Hmmm. And whose idea was that exactly? Just asking. The firm was
afraid she would take attention away from the other celebrities/actors. Did we
know that? Do we actually give a toss – of her hair? Come on now. No we don’t,
but Beatrice did. And now we have read that Pippa is fearful that Ex-Waity will
upstage her at her very own lavish wedding. Oh dear. “Does my bum look non-
existent in this?” It could get a bit messy don’t you think?
A source says that Beatrice feels she is entitled to “the very pleasures and royal
benefits that Kate is currently luxuriating in…The luxury clothes, cars, jewels,
bodyguards, and is the darling of the royal family. She looks at Kate and she
has everything that Beatrice is entitled to. Beatrice feels like she’s been cast
aside.” The darling? I think not. The Queen ‘has issues’ with her, Camilla can’t
stand her, her staff find her demanding and unpleasant (a euphemism for?) and
then there is Wills and those persistent divorce rumours…living separate lives
and all that. “Beatrice’s status in the royal family has diminished greatly, and she
is not happy about it!” “Where are all my tiaras?”
After all, she is the Queen’s granddaughter and Ex-Waity is the granddaughter
of whom? We only know her great-grandmother was ‘a food packer’. Not so
many generous benefits would have come naturally would they? A few rotten
You could feel a bit of empathy for Beatrice. Not just because she has been
side-lined by a work-shy, hair-obsessed, colouring book fanatic – but she
suffers from dyslexia, diagnosed as a child.
Poor Princess Beatrice; it doesn’t look hopeful that her jealousy of that common
commoner will ever result in more extravagances – designer clothes, jewels,
tiaras does it? I’m curious as to what descriptive names Beatrice has for her
nemesis. Just asking.
You Have to Hand it to Her
Evidently when the Queen wants to escape a mind-numbingly boring person or
conversation, she speaks via her handbag. No, not a recording of her voice.
She simply moves her handbag from one arm to another. Aides are there to
create her escape route. Her handbag. Now we know why she is never seen
without it don’t we? Who knew?
If she puts her handbag on the ground - or spins her wedding ring around -
panic could ensue: it’s time for an emergency intervention. Now that doesn’t
mean her attendants literally drag the bore away – instead they might ‘suggest’
the Queen would like to meet someone of importance.
So you’re sitting at a dinner party ready to slide under the table or let your head
drop into the soup – no worries – the Queen will rescue you - and herself. When
she places that (now infamous) handbag on the table – it’s all over. The Queen’s
handbag isn’t just a distraction device. If escape is essential while in
Buckingham Palace, she presses a hidden buzzer. Time to ‘encourage’ the
guests to leave ASAP
You know you are dying to know what is inside that handbag. OK. A matching
purse, a glasses case, a mirror, mints of course, and a handkerchief. She owns
more than 200 custom bags from designer Sam Launer, which she has been
collecting since 1968.
Surely you’ve wonder why Ex-Waity carries a clutch - hopefully you haven’t. In
preparation for her eventual royal position of handbag holding? No, to avoid
touching the peasants or as her staff says: ‘awkward handshakes’. Are those
anybody she finds ‘beneath her’ or she finds repulsive?
And Prince Charles? Remember the heir to the throne? Leaving the handbags
aside, he uses a quick “ha ha” to break the conversation. Oh dear. It’s not
'bonding’ or royal conviviality then is it? You’ve been warned.
A Man of His Word
International Women’s Day is March 8. Note the word ‘International’ here. Polish
MEP, Janusz Korwin-Mikke, is celebrating it by reminding us: “Of course
women must earn less than men because they are weaker, they are smaller,
they are less intelligent.” This clever, erudite observation said during a debate
about the gender pay gap in the Parliament. He is now being investigated for
sexist remarks. Not satisfied to insult women, he has called Muslim migrants
“human garbage.” Heart-warming.
Bob to the Rescue
Oh not more Nigel again!? Are we collectively thinking Nige should not be
allowed back into the UK? Well, we should. It isn’t his disgusting, pathetic,
creepy sycophantic displays of his love for The Orange-One, it’s his – hint: no
surprise here – duplicity.
A US hedge-fund billionaire, co-owner of right-wing news organisation Breitbart,
Robert Mercer, ‘allegedly’ offered his firm's help to Nigel’ - for free. Mercer
helped finance The Donald’s campaign and is reported to have played a key role
in Brexit via his data-analytics firm, providing expert advice. What country does
he live in again?
Leave.eu founder Arron Banks previously told The Observer: "AI won it for
leave." So it was Al who won it. Nice, Nige.
Nige has other plans now. We think he doth protest too much. Nige is adamant
he doesn’t want a peerage. Right. Well, those who know, know Nige is furious
with Carswell for not actively pushing on his behalf to get a peerage. Oh oops.
Nige would have to resign as an MEP first before being allowed to accept the
peerage. And where does Nige get his money? From the EU of course. Uh oh.
Let’s have a bit of mockery. A child dressed as the Queen knighted Nigel on
Kremlin-backed telly. Indeed. It was a stunt. Nige said "go on then, don't hurt
me!" kneeling on a silver cushion. Then the child-Queen blurted out as she
delivered his knighthood: "My mummy says you hate foreigners". Goodness me.
And Nigel’s response? "The Queen has to be non-political!" We love this little
Queen, don’t we – and her mum.
Don’t Take My Word for It
300 new website words thanks to OxfordDictionaries.com to choose from. You
know you want to know, so here are a few examples:
frita noun: (in Cuban cuisine) a sandwich consisting of a fried cake of seasoned
pork and beef that is topped with very thinly cut chips and served in a roll.
fitspiration noun: A person or thing that serves as motivation for someone to
sustain or improve health and fitness. So a fitspiration would reject a frita…?
haterade noun: excessive negativity, criticism, or resentment. Does Princess
Beatrice comes to mind?
femslash noun: A genre of fiction, chiefly published online, in which female
characters who appear together in film, television, or other popular media are
portrayed as having a sexual relationship.
clicktivism noun: Actions performed via the Internet in support of a political or
social cause but regarded as requiring little time or involvement, for example
signing an online petition or joining a campaign group on social media.
meet-cute noun: (in a film or television programme) an amusing or charming first
encounter between two characters that leads to the development of a romantic
relationship between them. So a meet-cute could be in a femslash then?
otherkin adjective: Denoting or relating to people who identify as non-human.
Hmmm. Other kin. How clever…not.
gorefest noun: A film, book, or video game involving a great deal of violence or
bloodshed. No! Really? Could the word ‘gore’ be the clue possibly?
cat lady noun: An older woman who lives alone with a large number of cats, to
which she is thought to be obsessively devoted. No! Really? Cat plus lady? Lady
plus cat? Really?
Be glad I didn’t include more. Although, actually, these were the only ones
available. Does that mean the others are – too – erm – obvious? Silly? Stupid?
Down with the kids? Surely not. It’s the Oxford Dictionary….