|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
16 March 2019
|Foot in Mouth Disease
“Catastrophe! Catastrophe!” In that now infamous interview with Daniel Hewitt,
former fanatic Brexit Minister, Steve Baker, said: "It would be a really
catastrophic negotiating error to take no deal off the table" the same Steve Baker
in the same interview he said: “The term ‘catastrophe’ is a foolish and reckless
term that no politician should use. Catastrophe is a word that should be reserved
for genuine massive loss of life. No politician should use it." I know. Huh? Is it
clear why this is all such a catastrophic mess!?
OK. Next. The latest chief legal adviser to the Government, Geoffrey Cox, chose
to stand up at the despatch box of the House of Commons and describe himself
as Brexit’s “codpiece”.
“It has come to be called Cox’s codpiece! What I am concerned to ensure is
that what is inside the codpiece is in full working order!” Evidently MPs were left
in a stunned silence. “Well,” said the Speaker recovering from shock. “I hope
everybody heard that.” No references to GC’s surname though.
Moving on. We can always depend on ambitious Boris to announce: “Look at
me. It’s time for my weekly foot-in-mouth attempt to acquire attention.” Labour
MPs are calling for action to be taken against Boris after he said investigations
into historic child sex abuse are a waste of money.
While speaking on LBC radio brilliant Boris said: “One comment I would make is
I think an awful lot of money and an awful lot of police time now goes into these
historic offences and all this malarkey. You know, £60m I saw was being spaffed
up a wall on some investigation into historic child abuse and all this kind of thing.
What on earth is that going to do to protect the public now?” You know…
malarkey?... spaffed? Look up ‘spaffed’ in The Urban Dictionary. Jesus, Boris.
Something you are ‘intime avec’ then. Quel imbécile. Oops. Wrong language.
Labour MP Laura Smith has made a formal complaint to the government chief
whip, Julian Smith, calling on him to take “swift action” against Boris. Sounding
good. She tweeted: “the language he has used is abhorrent and should be
condemned in the strongest possible terms.”
The Guardian reported that a supporter of Boris said Boris had no intention of
apologising or clarifying his remarks. Unfit for office? Any office. Boris tried
getting his homage-to-Trump haircut to get noticed and that was unsuccessful.
Now this. Nice.
Lest we forget Boris-blunders: £320,000 on water cannons, £320m on buses
that had to be refit – and worse, are not the hop-on-hop-off buses promised –
really annoying that! And - £52m on the Heatherwick garden bridge never
And, don't do a quick review of other outrageous unforgivable things he has
said. In the past Boris has described black people as “piccaninnies” with
“watermelon smiles”, called Turkish President Erdogan a “wanker” and said
women in burkas looked like “letter boxes” or “bank robbers”. Toe-curling – or
If you have an extra £100,000 you could get Boris to bore you to death with
Brexit. Anyone? This month Boris was the favourite in a poll from Conservative
Home on 24 per cent of the vote with Dominic Raab on 12 per cent and Micky
(Gove of course) on ten per cent. Oh say it isn’t so.
OK. This is a test. Who said: the Brexit deal “is the easiest deal in human
history”. Did you get that? ‘Human’ history vs what exactly? Robotic? Animal?
Insect? Yes. You’re right. The ever clever Liam Fox. Yes. The same who is
preparing those contaminated chlorinated chickens for us in enormous bacterial
-ridden slaughter houses. Hmm. Thinking ‘nil by mouth’ might be good.
“It’s ALIIIIVE! It’s ALIIIIVE!” Not Theresa. We’re not certain about that are we,
but her deal dies and is revived and is rejected and resuscitated! Yes, yes. On
12 March MPs voted down Theresa’s withdrawal agreement by 149 votes in the
fourth greatest defeat of a government in history. Theresa’s response? Yes, yes.
We know. Nothing new here. Theresa said that she will force the Commons to
vote on her withdrawal agreement for a third time next week. Third time lucky?
Not quite. Her obvious blackmail tricks? The DUP holding out for more cash? A
third billion? Surely not! The problem is another vote on the same matter is also
against parliamentary rules. Uh oh. Speaker John Bercow could block it. Oh
Theresa! We know the EU has demanded a ‘clear plan’ before it agrees to an
extension. Theresa has played the ‘patriotism’ card…poker faced naturally. It’s
the joker. Pathetic.
“I think it is still alive, I do”, Liz told BBC Radio 4's PM. Chief Secretary to the
Treasury Liz Truss suggested that Theresa’s Brexit deal could be brought back
to the Commons and win majority support, despite twice being rejected by those
large margins. Continuous contradictions. Help. Worse even: no-deal is
OK. Theresa loses her voice, we all lost the collective will to live in utter
humiliation regarding the farce that is the government, but that’s not all. This was
the week that the toilets in the Commons voting lobby broke down. No, really. Not
making this up. Evidently the incompetent MPs had to hold their noses as they
queued up to vote on Theresa’s doomed Brexit withdrawal agreement. One
Conservative backbencher said that they’d thought the stench was “coming from
the government”. Not another metaphor. And then if there is an extension of
more than five minutes. The UK would then be running in the European
Parliament election coming up? Oh let’s not even go there!
Couldn’t resist: The Waugh Zone wrote details regarding the voting edible
requirements: ‘The government whips office was fuelled by Greggs sausage
rolls, while their Labour rivals munched on Krispy Kreme donuts yesterday. But
the ERG feeds on raw, red meat.’ Wait. Labour stuffed their little faces with – an
American owned company? Indeed Labourites! And – those donuts are just
Reasons Not to Be Cheerful
Here’s a list to inspire. Now what are the Tories most proud of? Well, since
All right. A moment of inspiration necessary here. A survey of under-16s, not
gender-based, the top-10 dream jobs for British children: teacher…
vet…doctor… footballer… police officer…YouTube/vlogger… scientist…
actor… artist… engineer. See. Don’t you feel better? Possibly not. Police are
increasingly using tasers on children – under 10! 871 in 2017, 839 the first nine
months of 2018. No. Not ‘ouch’!
Warning. As we all know schools are closing. The ones that are still open? We
all know that children have no books or pencils, drama/music/art/sports have
been dropped. Oh those caring Conservatives.
As of 12 March, the New Financial Brexitometer, the London based think tank:
£1.2 trillion in banking and financial industry transferred. Almost £1trillion of
assets already have transferred and far more to come.
Positivity? An illusion.