LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
14 September 2012
Feel the Love

It's London Fashion Week. Perhaps then it is fitting that Ex-Waity has been
photographed sans clothes - OK - not exactly. She was topless while on
holiday. Blimey! The French magazine,
Closer, is the source. Mon dieu! Wills
and Ex-Waity are said to be furious. All that calculated branding, all those rictus
smiles and now this. It's all gone tits up. Zut alors!

Apparently the terrace of the plush villa is clearly visible from the road. The
snaps of Ex-W perfecting her tan were taken by "a professional photographer
with whom we have previously worked" reported the magazine's editor,
Laurence Pieau who was surprised by the reaction. Sacre bleu! Are we
conveniently failing to remember Fergie's famous photos?

We won't be seeing any evidence of the snaps in the British press. Although we
have seen her cousin in the US showing off her bits. The press have been
splashing every available page on what Ex-W wore when she was expressing
her deepest empathy as she and Wills tour the planet. Yawn.

Considering how frantically ambitious she is, it's hard not to wonder if she is
secretly pissed that Harry got more attention. But then - he was totally naked
and begging for photos to be taken. So. Harry wins this round.

Brand Andy to appear in an advert near to you. Andy Murray's famous scary,
hideous, teeth-baring gaping grimace selling whitening toothpaste? Or will he be
going for the big brands. He already has Adidas, Royal Bank of Scotland.

£100m for his Grand Slam has been suggested. He's only worth £24m at the
moment. Andy will clearly need some sort of personality transformation. With a
rather unattractive personality - unpleasant, immature, nasty, boring, dour,
unlikable, rude, abusive, uncouth, unprofessional.

British for the Olympics, Scottish otherwise. "Andy truly is a Scottish sporting
legend..." according to Scottish First Minister and determined minister for
Scottish independence, Alex Salmon.

Has Lendl taught Andy to shed tears? "Try it again, Andy. Make your chin
quiver. No your chin. Look down. Down. That's it. Now look sad. Oh Andy. OK.
Look like you do when you are blaming everybody. That's good. Your usual
victim look. Perfect. Next we'll begin to work on smiling. Do you think you can
do that, Andy? No. Not the teeth."

Andy now does weeping. "Yes I cried a little bit on the court." Now Andy does
emotion. Andy felt emotional. He told us so. Right.

"I've played some of my best tennis this year on home soil..." Home soil? That's
from "Anyone-but-England" Andy? "The atmosphere and the support I've had
there [the O2] has been incredible." Oh. I'm feeling emotional now. I think it's
disgust. "Now I've won a Slam my target is to rule the world."

Eight time Grand Slam champion, Lendl himself was renowned for his lack of
humour or humanity. Getting Andy to stop acting like a two year old couldn't
have been easy. Andy's grandmother attributes his success to his terrible
tenacious temper tantrums as a two-year old. Charming, surely.

Alright. I'm never going to warm to Andy. He's utterly charmless. And actually, I
don't like the way he plays tennis. Picture Federer. No further comment
necessary.

76 years to the day after Fred Perry was Britain's last Grand Slam champion
Andy won and was quick to inform us: "...and [I] don't have to get asked that
stupid question again." What's not to love?
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