21 August 2013
What's Normal

Family Snaps

So much hype, so much branding, so little reality. Why do journalists – whose
job surely is to consider what’s possibly true – fall under the royal spell without
a whimper, a doubt, a question?

Previously known as the grasping, social-climbing, nouveau riche Middletons
have offered up normal family photos of two future kings. Right. Patriarch of the
media obsessed Middletons, Mike, shot overly backlit, not well composed, not
focused, rather pedestrian photos of the ‘normal’, ‘natural’ royal couple plus
baby and dogs – normal dogs. Not exactly award-winning. Not exactly Cecil
Beaton. Beaton’s photo of the Queen and Charles at a month old was sweet,
evocative and quite beautiful.

Will replica paper plates, party hats and mugs be added to the family catalogue
for Christmas I wonder. Actually. I don’t wonder.

Brilliant photographer, Terry O’Neill actually drooled all over the photos. He
declared them to be exceptional. Really? Really? Why? Very disappointing all
this pretence.

“It’s so refreshing that they are so normal.” It isn’t and they aren’t.

Whilst lovely that William has broken the royal rule of silence regarding the
baby, I have found it a bit strange that a baby a few weeks old is ‘a rascal like
Harry’ who cries a lot and doesn’t like a wet nappy. I think not. A very young
baby doesn’t know it needs a nappy change. And seriously, how much of ‘a
rascal’ can a newborn be?  “So he either reminds me of my brother or me
when I was younger. I’m not sure.” Oh dear, oh dear. William must have a
baby-memory that surpasses science.

It's Normal; Get Over It

England’s chief medical officer, Dame Sally Davies, has revealed that she is or
at least was normal. She ate cannabis cookies. Mon Dieu! Cookies! Oh. The
point was the pot addition wasn’t it.

How unique. A student smoking – oh alright – eating pot at uni. While studying
medicine at Edinburgh University Davies admitted on BBC 3 radio programme,
Private Passions – no really: “...I had some cookies, until the third or fourth
occasion I had hallucinations and I’ve never touched it since.” Well, drug-laden
cookies can do that.

Davies believes substance abuse is a medical issue, not a criminal justice
issue. She logically thinks the Department of Health is clearly better than the
Home Office deciding drug policies.

The woman is normal. Experimenting ‘in youth’ – when it isn’t inevitably used as
an excuse by politicians – is normal. Empirical knowledge seems rather
important when you are the UK’s top doctor.

Politicians are all falling over each other convinced that Davies’ admission will
influence children to take up drugs – as soon as they find out she ate cookies.  
OFGS. Eight-year-olds meeting secretly in one of their kitchens to whip up
some chocolate hash cookies with cocaine icing. Really.

Boringly Normal

Not again. Not more. This is becoming boring. Very boring.

“Protecting the public”... “stopping terrorists”... “national security”...oh stop
Theresa (Home Secretary May).

Happy holiday maker – his fourth hols this year - PM CallMeDave is
responsible for illegally attempting to further the cause of a total police state.
Why Dave? Multi-millionaire CMD was photographed with permanently smiling
SamCam – per usual – in his “Look. I’m so normal in my normal holiday casual
blue polo shirt”. Normality is clearly a potent delusion.

Literally heavy-handed police intimidation is just so wrong, but it is so obviously
becoming ‘normal’. Smashing to bits
The Guardian editor’s hard drive like the

Remember: if you resist, you wind up in jail without a lawyer. Where the hell
are we? Will any dissenting public or all probing journalists be eliminated? This
terrorising behaviour is becoming a habit. Becoming normal.

David Miranda, 28-year-old Brazilian partner of
Guardian columnist Glenn
Greenwald, was detained at Heathrow for nine...nine hours...as a bullying,
harassing, intimidating, punishing tactic. Water torture was administered by
preventing him from having any water for eight hours. GCHQ demanded all his
passwords plus games console and surely the names of his childhood pets and
favourite colour. They threatened him with prison and “They treated me like I
was a criminal”. Hopefully he won’t suddenly be involved in an ‘accident’.

The Guardian confirmed that CallMeDave ordered Cabinet Secretary Sir
Jeremy Heywood to warn the newspaper that it faced "serious consequences"
if it ran stories based on documents leaked by Edward Snowden. The White
House has confirmed a ‘heads up’ in advance. Ah. We’re still the sycophantic

Enjoy your ‘normal’ UK hols, Dave, after Portugal and Ibiza. So transparent,
Dave. So transparent.


A bit of necessary levity from the Edinburgh Fringe: Rob Auton won for “I
heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could
be a Chinese Wispa.”

Alex Horne: “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was soul destroying.”

Gary Delaney: “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nut shell.”

Liam Williams: “The universe implodes. No matter.”

Chris Coltrane: “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is
that you basically get it back immediately.”
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