LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
17 March 2017
Face the Music

BBC’s ‘thriller’ Replacement should have been replaced. The characters were so
thick the viewer was left to talk to the telly. OK. Shout at the telly. “Oh for God’s
sake! He can’t be that stupid!” We had to work at watching it. Holes in the plot
big enough to walk through – en masse. Three episodes of rather creepy stuff
that held our attention throughout. Was the point about motherhood? Mothers?
Mother love? I give up.

Nonetheless, if you weren’t annoyed by the plot and characters, there was the
bloody music! Why does BBC insist on always having their actors mumble,
particularly when they have strong local dialects and to accompany that garbling
of words – presuming they are saying something intelligible? The BBC loves to
add dramatic thundering music. Why? The viewers can figure out the dramas
without ‘assistance’. Oh. I see. I mean, I hear. We’re supposed to be
apprehensive, anxious, afraid? Although they offer music accompaniment for
every emotion. Memo to BBC: it’s not an advert. All right. We can turn off the
sound and turn on the subtitles. Nevertheless….


Nasty and Naughty

Gosh! The nasty party is now the naughty party. A £70,000 fine? Oh really. A
drop in the bottomless Tory bucket. I’ll give you the highest fine ever, but
really…. The party ‘differs’ with the findings. Ha ha ha. Money ‘missing’,
invoices ‘missing’ look forward to local investigations. Happy days.

The Mirror and Channel 4 News have doggedly pursued the Tory election
spending scandal. The Tories fought it like rabid dogs (sorry):
stalling, blocking, denying when questioned about their obvious, deliberate
dishonesty.

According to the Commission, the Tories’ 2015 general election spending return
was missing payments worth at least £104,765. The Commission had to get a
court order. Now what does that tell you? Everything about the nasty-naughty
party. Payments worth up to £118,124 were either not reported to the
Commission or were incorrectly reported by the party.

Labour could demand a rerun of by-elections. Calling Labour! Jeremy! Wake
up! Move into this decade! Do something! Oh I see. It’s a contest: who is more
incompetent, ineffectual than the other? Sorry ‘guys’, but it’s a tie.

Curious what else the Tories could possibly do next? There is disdainful David
Davis who admitted to having no idea what will happen if there is no Brexit deal.
Oh I just can’t go on. OK. I can’t stop. Lest we forget the breaking of a key
promise. Are Tories always this pathetic? I hear a resounding ‘YES!”

The question that persists: how scary is Theresa actually? You know the answer,
but a reminder: very! How can we trust someone in power who never answers
questions and only speaks in catchphrases?  “L'état, c'est moi.” No. Not that one.

She acts as if the government is her sole domain. She is an autocrat. She is
secretive. She is paranoid. She trusts no one – except Fiona Hill, Nick Timothy
and quelle surprise – Philip, that Philip, husband Philip. She listens to no one.
Evidently Philip has been ‘behind the scenes’. Hmmm.

Tory insiders say Philip is her political secret weapon: her personal focus group,
amateur pollster and party mole. It’s the party mole we have to worry about I’m
thinking. You? Tories also say he is a serious, secret political operative. I’m
thinking more secret police.


Happy

Oh Wills. Those dancing moves, those hand moves – oh, oops. Prince William
partying in Switzerland with ‘the lads’: awkward. Not just the dancing. A royal
arm around a non-royal waist? Uh oh. Whispering in the ear? Uh oh. OK. The
lady in question, not Wills. But it’s still an ‘uh oh’. Wills waved his arms while
simultaneously pointing his fingers along to Pharrell Williams’ major hit, Happy,
which left him happy. Impressive. (Joking).

According to sources, Wills did his dad-dancing repertoire with that finger
pointing (ew), clapping his hands to the music, mouthing lyrics to the song -
shouldn’t one of his ‘people’ have told him there is a rule: no mouthing the words
– ever! when dancing. Try karaoke, Wills. At one point he appeared to thrust his
waist (ew again), before he turned and walked away. Oh dear, oh dear. He
didn't stop there. He displayed jazz hands as he sang (again) and danced to
You've Got the Love by Florence and the Machine. Moments later he was
stopped in his tracks by the mystery brunette. Oh dear.

The Duke is the only high-profile royal not to have made the service at
Westminster Abbey on Monday. Oh Wills. Distracted with disco dad dancing?
Significant word here: dad. So much for the Duke & Duchess’ preciously
preserved image. The dad dancing went viral. Can we assume Ex-Waity was not
so happy, happy, happy? Wait. No worries.

“Well, I should probably warn ya, I'll be just fine (Yeah!)
No offense to you, don’t waste your time…
Because I’m happy…”

Thank you Pharrell. Whew. The royal image is safe. Wills and Ex-W were then
paraded in Paris to keep the brand alive and well.


Not Happy Now

Georgie the editor of the Evening Standard? Former Chancellor George
Osbourne. Nooooooooooo!!! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy??? Failed journalist trainee –
twice - for The Times in 1993 surely qualifies him. The Standard’s proprietor
Evgeny Lebedev describes him as “London through and through.” Oh right.
Don't tell his Northern Powerhouse project supporters. Remember his obsession
with it?

How many part-time jobs can this little man hold – and get massive pay-offs for?
MP, motivational speaker, chairman, advisor, fellow for US think tank, London
mayor? Oh ops. Dream on Georgie – dream on. Conflict of interest?
Unsustainable? Source for Tory propaganda? A plot to execute his single-
minded revenge against Theresa? Ohhh this could be interesting. OK. Fun!
Handbags at dawn? Memo to Georgie: set your alarm; work begins at five am at
the editor’s office.
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