LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
11 June 2012
Express Yourself

Express yourself or is it pee yourself? Oh dear. Is the favourite shopping venue
of absolutely fabulous Patsy and Edina getting a bit desperate?

Their new advert promoting their sale shows a so terribly bored, confused or
pissed beautiful model having apparently peed in her lovely pricey silk trousers
because she couldn't contain herself; presumably not because she was
suffering from incontinence. "The Harvey Nichols Sale. Try to contain your
excitement." As a consequence of the ad, we can.

So. There they are, a couple of kids sitting around a table competing against
each other as to who can come up with the most pathetic, unaesthetic,
'controversial' ad.

"We're soooo cool."
"Sooooo cool. Can we still use that word?"
"I dunno. Let's do poo next campaign."
"Yeah. Cool, man."
"Not so sure about man."
"Let's get pissed."

A spokeswoman for Harvey Nicks said: "The images in our advertising were
designed to be a visual representation of a well-known phrase. During the
production of the campaign, we researched the use of this expression in
popular culture and social media and were satisfied that is both commonplace
and invariably used in a playful, inoffensive manner, which was in-keeping with
the tongue-in-cheek spirit in which we intended our campaign to be taken."

Piss off; it's pants.


Hand Down Your Pants

The queen of exhibitionism just can't stop. Madonna was so excited, instead of
peeing, she put her hand down her pants at the first leg of her tour in mainly
Muslim Turkey.

First she felt compelled to undo a nursing bra to reveal a breast we surely have
seen enough of. Oh dear oh dear, Madge. MDMA not doing well is it?

It isn't that she's too old: she's too desperate. Undressing yourself on stage.
Beyond embarrassingly sad.

"I was just checking to see if my right breast was still there. I was so excited, I
involuntarily put my hand down my pants. Who doesn't do that?" Only you
Madge.

Shortly after she zipped up her trousers she began singing
Like A Virgin.
Madonna's tour includes her children Rocco and Mercy along with her
entourage of 200 who were all hiding.



Pissed Again?

Family man, promoter of family values and advocate of marriage, PM
CallMeDave 'forgot' his 8 year old daughter when he and SamCam, plus
security, left the 16thC pub in Buckinghamshire 15 minutes from Chequers, his
official country residence. His other children were present and accounted for -
inadvertently or otherwise. They were having pre-drinks with 2 other families
who remembered their children - as you do.

Nancy went off to the loo without telling them. They drove away in two cars.
CallMeDave was driven back to Chequers 2 miles from the pub with his
bodyguards while SamCam drove their other children in another car.

Spokesperson for the PM explained that CMD had presumed that Nancy was in
the car with his wife, while SC thought that she was in the car with CMD. "As
you know, the prime minister is a very busy man but he always tries to live as
normal a life as possible with his family."

CMD was 'distraught' when he realised that this episode could only lower his
opinion poll ratings particularly ironic when today the government relaunches
the troubled families programme. No fear of a visit from social services then?

When CMD returned to the pub Nancy was happily helping the pub staff. She
had been left by herself for 15 minutes. "Pub staff found their daughter in the
toilet and didn't know what to do." Another pub ‘insider’ said: "You’d have
thought that someone would have done a headcount or something." You would
think. "It's frightening the prime minister of Britain can forget something so
important as his own daughter."

CMD is taking his reputation for the 'chillaxing' (horrible expression really) a bit
too seriously. Did he miss her when he was about to play Fruit Ninja, snooker,
tennis - put in a DVD, choose a karaoke song, have another drink, nap?

Last month the PM's biography revealed that Dave had a rare ability to unwind.
"If there was an Olympic gold medal for 'chillaxing' he would win it. He is
capable of switching off in a way that almost no other politician I know of can."
More than George (Osborne)?

Pub landlord Steve Hollings reported that CMD and SC pop in often for drinks -
occasionally lunch. He thinks: "He's not the Prime Minister when he comes
down here, he's just David Cameron, a family man." LOL.
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