|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
29 September 2013
|The Dumb Think We're Dumber
I’m trying, but I simply can’t stop. Every time I read a quote from the
omnipresent Pippa, ‘the corners of my mouth involuntarily turn up and a smile
spreads across my face’. Her ‘writing’ style is so – infectious. ‘Then my head
shakes from side to side in disbelief’. Sorry, but the woman never fails to prove
she is a confirmable moron.
Now she’s telling the Daily Telegraph readers who have spent their entire lives
in a pit, how to care for flowers. Sigh. Pippa goes to Covent Garden for a
bacon buttie and a bouquet – as you do.
“Be sure to point the nozzle of your (£7.50) Glory spray at the flowers (not the
wall, window, your face, your pet, then?)...keep flowers in a clean vase of water
(not a slimy vase of fetid water then?).
“The traders are a great source of information and, I’ve always found, happy to
answer any question you have on flower care: for example, why do my orchids
keep dying and how can I prolong the life of the (sadly, infrequent) bouquets
that land on my doorstep?” What? Bouquets that land on her doorstep?
Bouquets really? Sadly? Land? Oh dear, oh dear. Clearly, Pippa, needs not,
just, a writing course, but one, in punctuation, as well.
“It’s a place that every Londoner and visitor to the capital ought to experience –
but it is one for the larks: 6am to 7am is prime time. Go earlier if you can
(traders start packing up from 9am) to get the pick of the bunches. On the plus
side the early rise means you get to see the city in the small hours, when the
streets are sleepy and you can burn over the bridges. Be warned, it’s not warm
in the market at sparrow o’clock at any time of year”. Oh those sleepy London
streets at sparrow o’clock. I swear to god you just couldn’t make this up – no
matter how hard you tried.
Pippa shares with her readers that flowers can be just as strenuous as her
boxing workouts were. Hmmm. Punching someone in the face full force vs
snapping off a stem end. I believe we need more information here.
What can’t this ‘look-at-my-ordinary-bum’ media-addicted woman do?
No fear. With Halloween ‘right round the corner’. We can expect ‘Yes.
Pumpkins are real. Pumpkins are orange. Next week I’ll give details on how you
can combine a candle with a pumpkin for a big surprise.’
It’s the Conservative Conference this week. Time to take that holiday without
PM CallMeDave is out and about spinning the silliest solutions to our massive
cost of living nightmare.
After he’s elected in 18 months (really?) he is going to reward 4 million couples
£3.85 a week as a marriage bonus. £3.85. How exciting. What can they
prepare to buy with that? Food for a family for a week, a night out, the cinema
for 2, a visit to the zoo, a winter coat?
If you have plans, think again. You must be a ‘one-earner’ couple.
“Marriage is good for Britain”. And why is that exactly? Because it’s
permanently a conservative position regardless of country? Must be those
‘family values’ they reiterate endlessly. Clearly not taking those married MPs
with ‘special friends’ into consideration....
The average wedding costs £21,000 but often quoted much higher - £40,000.
So that £200 a year will surely be crucial for a couple with an income of
This would cost us half a billion pounds. Good value for money surely. CMD
wants us to know: “Love is love” – referencing his pro-gay marriage position;
the new policy applies regardless of gender. How modern.
In the spirit of Halloween, last week supermarket giant Asda offered a fancy
dress ‘mental patient costume’ replete with blood and brandishing a machete.
Lovely. Not to be out-classed, Tesco suggested a Psycho Ward costume, plus
an added item; your very own personal gay friend – blow-up doll that is. All
were removed from their sites – obviously.
But tax-dodging Amazon is offering several ‘psycho’ costumes and is also
willing to assuage your loneliness if all your friends are murdered.
‘Can’t find the perfect friend to patiently listen to all your problems and give you
advice!? Well here he is!! Once fully inflated this PVC doll stands at 50cm tall
and looks like the perfect gay best friend.
'Everyone knows someone who is in need of a caring, stylish and funny
friend!!! This is a hilarious gift! All of you girlies out there would love to have
someone to patiently listen to you and give you advice.
'All you need to do is blow him up and you will instantly have a new gay best
friend! He loves to shop, loves to dance, always listens to you, gives great
fashion advice and most importantly will always tell you if your bum looks big.’
Evidently the writers took inspiration from Pippa.
Now if this description doesn’t make you boycott Amazon - ‘you girlies’
certainly should!!! Oh god.