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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Duck, Cover and Hold - 17 July 2007
“I’m watching you too, Bill.” Posh’s response to her driving test instructor who thwarted her
attempts to cheat.
The proposed six-part life with Victoria Beckham “reality” TV series on US network NBC was cut
to a one-off, one hour documentary which was apparently panned there - comparing it to
watching mould growing on cheese. Would that be the omnipresent popular (American)
processed cheese?
"If this weren't a one-shot deal and people were exposed to her vapid, condescending behaviour
on a weekly basis, she'd not just be unwelcome in America, she'd be run out on a rail," wrote the
TV critic for the New York Post, giving the show zero out of five stars. She called the show "an
orgy of self-indulgence so out of whack with, er, reality that you'll sit there slack-jawed at the gall
of these people who think we are that stupid..."
‘An orgy of self-indulgence’. Hmmm. ‘That stupid.’ Have these people never been to LA? Do
these people never leave their New York offices? It’s America. It’s the world source for self-
indulgence… camera-mad celebrity, ‘I shop, therefore I am’ materialism, gormless vacuity, dumb
and dumber.
The LA Times took the show seriously – very. “Posh isn't famous for being famous. She's
famous for not being famous, which somehow makes everything so much more excruciating.”
Exactly. I believe the Brits refer to that as irony.
Shock, horror. I find myself surprised (by myself) for defending VB when Joan Rivers is said to
be determined to single-handedly create Posh’s demise through public humiliation and derision.
Now is-that-a-scary-mask-or-a-death-mask? Surely, is spot on as an example of shock, horror if
I ever saw one. Arghhhh. Hide your children.
“It’s exhausting being fabulous.”
Who knew VB was so funny? We simply thought she was manically over-focused on proving
herself as…a singer, rapper, perfumer, dancer, designer, dreadful breast implant recipient. It
was an hour of toe-curling David Brent, an hour of cringe-making Ali G. It was pure
entertainment. It was a potential sitcom.
“I didn’t know whether to pose or get arrested,” when stopped by threatening highway
motorcycle cop. “I was completely devastated because I was wearing flat shoes.”
“I’d spit in his food and chop his dick off, too,” no comment necessary regarding Eddie Murphy.
“Can you see my knickers?” queried VB as she was instructed to ‘duck, cover and hold’ for an
inevitable LA earthquake…and its aftermath. This before Posh and her personal staff of best
friends were jostled around like hamsters in a sack during an earthquake simulation. Pure
slapstick. Harpo would have loved it.
Arriving with a wonky homemade apple pie at a meet-n-greet luncheon in her honour, a coven of
plastic surgery nightmares reduced her to a deer-in-headlights monosyllabic response: “Major!”
Even a don’t-look-now dolphin impersonation couldn’t elicit more than “They are so major!” as VB
left in utter disbelief.
"Shoes can make you feel so good. Such a weird thing," musing to the camera.
Shocking herself and her new PA, VB actually answered the door herself. "It shows I can be
normal. I wouldn't normally do something like answer the door, would I?"
“(New PA) Renee looks like a wild life warden,” to the camera. “It’s all going to be about me,” to
Renee.
“Do I look more like a stewardess than you thought?” to popular celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, “I’
d ruin my image. I can't be seen to actually eat," (a cookie). Let me get myself miserable before
I go out.”
“I was just doing what I usually do in the show…and watching it I realised I’m nuts. I thought I
was normal but I’m quite eccentric. It’s tough looking and listening to yourself like that. But I just
like to have fun, the day I stop having fun is the day I stop doing what I do.” Perhaps this should
have been in the press release for the show. Some critics need a bit of assistance. Fun: n
enjoyment or amusement. Irony: n, pl –nies mildly sarcastic use of words to imply the opposite
of what is being said; aspect of a situation that is odd or amusing because the opposite of what
one would expect.
It took a £70,000 BA flight to fly the Beckhams to 5,000 supportive fans at LAX. Oh. Like how
LA is that…?
“I’m watching you too, Bill.” Posh’s response to her driving test instructor who thwarted her
attempts to cheat.
The proposed six-part life with Victoria Beckham “reality” TV series on US network NBC was cut
to a one-off, one hour documentary which was apparently panned there - comparing it to
watching mould growing on cheese. Would that be the omnipresent popular (American)
processed cheese?
"If this weren't a one-shot deal and people were exposed to her vapid, condescending behaviour
on a weekly basis, she'd not just be unwelcome in America, she'd be run out on a rail," wrote the
TV critic for the New York Post, giving the show zero out of five stars. She called the show "an
orgy of self-indulgence so out of whack with, er, reality that you'll sit there slack-jawed at the gall
of these people who think we are that stupid..."
‘An orgy of self-indulgence’. Hmmm. ‘That stupid.’ Have these people never been to LA? Do
these people never leave their New York offices? It’s America. It’s the world source for self-
indulgence… camera-mad celebrity, ‘I shop, therefore I am’ materialism, gormless vacuity, dumb
and dumber.
The LA Times took the show seriously – very. “Posh isn't famous for being famous. She's
famous for not being famous, which somehow makes everything so much more excruciating.”
Exactly. I believe the Brits refer to that as irony.
Shock, horror. I find myself surprised (by myself) for defending VB when Joan Rivers is said to
be determined to single-handedly create Posh’s demise through public humiliation and derision.
Now is-that-a-scary-mask-or-a-death-mask? Surely, is spot on as an example of shock, horror if
I ever saw one. Arghhhh. Hide your children.
“It’s exhausting being fabulous.”
Who knew VB was so funny? We simply thought she was manically over-focused on proving
herself as…a singer, rapper, perfumer, dancer, designer, dreadful breast implant recipient. It
was an hour of toe-curling David Brent, an hour of cringe-making Ali G. It was pure
entertainment. It was a potential sitcom.
“I didn’t know whether to pose or get arrested,” when stopped by threatening highway
motorcycle cop. “I was completely devastated because I was wearing flat shoes.”
“I’d spit in his food and chop his dick off, too,” no comment necessary regarding Eddie Murphy.
“Can you see my knickers?” queried VB as she was instructed to ‘duck, cover and hold’ for an
inevitable LA earthquake…and its aftermath. This before Posh and her personal staff of best
friends were jostled around like hamsters in a sack during an earthquake simulation. Pure
slapstick. Harpo would have loved it.
Arriving with a wonky homemade apple pie at a meet-n-greet luncheon in her honour, a coven of
plastic surgery nightmares reduced her to a deer-in-headlights monosyllabic response: “Major!”
Even a don’t-look-now dolphin impersonation couldn’t elicit more than “They are so major!” as VB
left in utter disbelief.
"Shoes can make you feel so good. Such a weird thing," musing to the camera.
Shocking herself and her new PA, VB actually answered the door herself. "It shows I can be
normal. I wouldn't normally do something like answer the door, would I?"
“(New PA) Renee looks like a wild life warden,” to the camera. “It’s all going to be about me,” to
Renee.
“Do I look more like a stewardess than you thought?” to popular celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, “I’
d ruin my image. I can't be seen to actually eat," (a cookie). Let me get myself miserable before
I go out.”
“I was just doing what I usually do in the show…and watching it I realised I’m nuts. I thought I
was normal but I’m quite eccentric. It’s tough looking and listening to yourself like that. But I just
like to have fun, the day I stop having fun is the day I stop doing what I do.” Perhaps this should
have been in the press release for the show. Some critics need a bit of assistance. Fun: n
enjoyment or amusement. Irony: n, pl –nies mildly sarcastic use of words to imply the opposite
of what is being said; aspect of a situation that is odd or amusing because the opposite of what
one would expect.
It took a £70,000 BA flight to fly the Beckhams to 5,000 supportive fans at LAX. Oh. Like how
LA is that…?
