LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
19 April 2015
Dress To Impress

It’s Christmas electioneering. The parties are passing out presents as if it were
December 24th. Problem you might ask? The appealingly wrapped packages
are empty. They are all offering empty promises. Oh dear, Father Christmas will
be crossing them off his Christmas list.

The other electioneering ploy is political cross-dressing. ‘Huh’ you might say.
The parties are totally switching ideologies. No really. It is a bit surreal really.

The Tories have gone all socialist on us. Quoting PM Dave (warning: it’s truly
nauseating): “We offer a good life for those willing to try – because we are the
part of working people.” More: “We are there for you – offering security at every
stage of your life. Yes (cue gag), the Conservative Party – the real party of
working people (arghhhhh!) in our country today.”

I’m trying to imagine the new cross-dressing outfits. Hi Viz jackets? Hard hats?
Oh dear. Dave & George have already donned these workers’ uniforms for
photo ops. Oops. Labour has gone all pro-business, business-like. Oh stop it. It’s
just too obvious.

CallMeDave donned an orange "patka" headscarf as he visited a Sikh gurdwara
(temple) – continuing his political cross-dressing while campaigning in Kent.

CMD and SamCam joined around 3,000 worshipers on a parade to celebrate a
spring festival Vaisakhi.

CMD looked remarkably ridiculous in his patka, while everybody else looked at
ease and rather attractive. Poor Dave. Without his carefully controlled quiff, he
looked like one of those ‘illegal immigrants’ about to wipe the blinds and wash the
kitchen floor.

There was a scuffle (really) among worshipers when a priest objected to
speeches being made while prayers were taking place. Goodness me.  CMD
and SamCam hid in a side room until the dispute was resolved before he spoke.

"I wanted to make sure Downing Street was part of this too, and I'm proud to be
the first Prime Minister to host a Vaisakhi reception at Number 10. And I'll tell
you what (oh do tell us what, Dave - a bit informal, Dave), if I'm back there as
Prime Minister, I'll keep bringing the community, the colour and the celebrations
there, again and again.” Surprisingly, his pants didn’t catch fire.

Cringe-meter required here. "And I'm sure my children will carry on stealing the
jalebi (sweets) too!" OFGS! It’s off the scale!

There are an estimated 420,000 Sikhs in the UK. Ethnic minorities traditionally
support Labour. Now they will surely
.
Dave was out and about stuffing his little face in Devon on Devon cream tea.
You must be asking: what did he choose? Cream first or last?

Dave had to admit he didn’t know the difference between the famous Cornwall
and Devon tradition. Wait! How is that possible? Dave confessed he considered
the Cornish superior. Foot-in-mouth, Dave. If you have forgotten, he and
SamCam do their annual: ‘Oh must we holiday here again before we holiday in
France’. Putting the Devon vote in double doubt, Dave?

CMD reads from his script: “I am above all a patriot. I love my country with all
my heart.” Hand on heart then, Dave? Not to woo Ukip voters surely.

It’s so hard to stop as CMD is just so naff. So, another brilliant example. Dave
was asked by a seven-year-old schoolgirl, Reema, during a BBC Newsround
programme. “If you could pick one politician apart from yourself to win, who
would it be and why?”

“Wow,” (Wow? Wow?) Dave apparently shifting uncomfortably in his chair. “If I
could pick a politician? Would they have to be living or dead? I am afraid it is
too difficult to say I would like someone else to win other than me or I wouldn’t
be here, and I am quite keen on winning.” Choose a dead one then, Dave.

As he got up to leave, Dave said: “Top question. It is the best one I have been
asked all election campaign.” And like all the others, he couldn’t answer it
properly. Impressive attempt to answer a seven-year old, Dave.

For an ‘accurate’ account of what’s been happening, watch Newzoids on ITV.

A bit more. If you are sitting on your sofa, remote in hand, snacks within reach,
holding your breath, ready to tweet in anticipation of the next royal birth, you’re
really, really sad – I mean you’re nuts. According to Princess Eugenie, ‘London
is nuts’ over the impending birth (possibly due this week). Really? Do you know
anyone – anyone who is nuts over the birth? Not even covered by the media, so
how exactly is London “nuts”? Nuts…nice. Did I mention PE is in New York?
‘She was letting loose on the dance floor later in the night, dancing to DJ Mick.’
Clearly celebrating early. Do you suppose she has special royal moves?
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