Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics

Waity Katie, aka Kate “He’s lucky to have me” Middleton, has developed a taste for blood, blood
sports – animal blood. She has moved on from tiny vampire bats and clay pigeons to warm-
blooded heart-beating massive majestics; she’s become a deer-stalker. Charming.

Armed with her new birthday weapon from Prince William, with a Swarovski stalking scope,
Waity is ready for the kill or maiming; she has been practicing ‘at home’ to become a deer slayer.

“Oh Mummy. I’m going to bag myself a pair of antlers.”

“Antlers! Why?”

“Oh Mummy. Seriously. You know the plan. I am transforming myself from nouveau rich into a
proper royal and Wills surely must buy me a manor house or castle to hang all the antlers I am
going to acquire…before Pippa gets one!”

“Leave Pippa out of this, darling. She is doing brilliantly.”

“All thanks to moi!”

“Do pull yourself together and stop baring your teeth. It is not terribly attractive.”

“And your gum chomping display?”

“At least I kept my mouth closed.”


“Enough. What will you do with the antlers until then, Queen Katherine. I so adore the sound of

“Keep practicing. I believe I’ll wear the bloody things…maybe to a fancy dress party. No one
could ignore me certainly.”

“But the blood! You’ll have to be ‘bloodied’ you know. And red is so not your colour.”

Blooded. You must learn these things, Mummy. But the press will be mad for that shot, as it
were, and we know how fabulously photogenic I am. I wonder if I will be able to keep my superb
furry hat on. I look just gorgeous in it.”

“Remember, Darling. Keep asking yourself; what would a Stepford Wife do and you’ll do just
marvellously well.”

“It’s my allergy to horses I find a worry. You know how obsessed those Windsors are. It’s all
horses, horses, horses all day, every day. Princess Anne even looks like one and god knows it
can be ever so tedious dissecting Wills’ polo performances in excruciating detail. God. The things
I have to do, but if I don’t Pippa or worse James might step in and push me out. What man can
resist James in his French maid’s costume? Perhaps I should enter military service with Wills.”

“It’s not something we had planned, but it might be worth a little think, although those witchcraft
spells from two years ago have been so successful thus far. Perhaps we shouldn’t undermine
what clearly is working perfectly.”

“Hmmmm. You’re right, Mummy. I’ll search out those voodoo dolls we buried. Best to be
prepared. Look what happened with Chelsy and Harry. And after all my mentoring. Silly girl.”

“Not like you, Queen Kate.”

“Queen KATHERINE! KATHERINE! Pay attention, Mummy or I’ll have you barred from the
palaces! Doors to manual, doors to manual.”