|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
17 August 2014
‘We're all going on a summer holiday
no more working for a week or two.
Fun and laughter on our summer holiday,
no more worries for me or you,
for a week or two’.
Oh dear. Not this year, Sir Cliff. BBC with camera crews, given advanced
notice, in hovering helicopters, a fleet of (erm) unmarked police cars and South
Yorkshire Police raided Cliff Richard’s Berkshire home while they knew he was
holidaying in his home in the Algarve. A bit much...and why is this legal
exactly? It isn’t.
The raid took place as part of a 25 year-old accusation of sexual abuse. And
what did they assume they would find. This is a rhetorical question. Cliff has
told the press he’s aware of the allegations and the rumours and insists they
are untrue, but only found out about his home being raided when his lawyer
saw the TV coverage.
Oh no. We’ll never be able to sing along on our summer holiday if claims are
true. Let’s assume they aren’t. We don’t want our dream holiday ruined.
But for work-shy PM CallMeDave no more fun and laughter, ‘doin’ things they
always wanted to...to make [their] dreams come true’.
CallMeDave (and SamCam – remember her? – by his side rather like a
shadow) has finally returned from his annual summer holiday foray into fish-
pointing in Portugal.
Utilizing their annual summer holiday photo op standing together in their annual
summer holiday outfits in front of the annual summer holiday fish stalls...no
Surely you haven’t forgotten Dave’s fashion-forward-black-shoes-and-socks
statement last seen on a beach near you have you?
While keeping that ‘look-away-now’ image firmly in mind: “Is that fish dead,
Dave?” “Presumably, SamCam.” “Is it the same one from last year?” “Hmmm.
I'm not sure.” “We could ask the staff.” “We could. But we don’t know the
language.” “They don’t all speak English, Dave?” “You ask.”
Could CMD have made his early return after all the public pressure once the
horrific conditions on Mount Sinjar had been revealed? Mothers cutting
themselves to give blood to save their dehydrated babies...heads paraded on
sticks... mothers and children buried alive. Confident CallMeDave announced
with conviction: "We need a plan to get these people off the mountain." A
Moses complex perhaps, Dave?
Next day, Dave decided, as there are only (?) a few thousand (5,000)
particularly vulnerable Yazidis left stranded and suffering, no need to send
helicopters to rescue them, naturally following the US lead as our poodle-place
in the world. It’s only a 14 mile trek.
Good decision, Dave. Perhaps he is assuming the ‘loaves and the fishes’
parable will save the Christian refugees from starvation and imminent death.
Obama said the US continues to make progress with missions inside Iraq. He
said Americans should be proud of their military and generosity. Remind me.
Who exactly invaded in 2003? Did I hear the word ‘oil’ mentioned? Surely not.
An Ipsos MORI poll revealed our preferred political holiday companion for our
dream holiday. You must know (still) Labour leader Ed was not top of the list.
Yes. He was the bottom. Regardless of his obvious Wallace persona and visual
reference. Even thinking of Wallace and Gromit has to illicit an ear-to-ear grin.
You’re smiling right now, right? But this clearly is not enough to tempt those
polled to share a piña colada with Ed. Perhaps he needs a dog....
1,003 polled with results: 18% chose Nick, 28% chose Dave - and an
impressive 40% emphatically refused to sit under a beach umbrella with Ed,
Nick or Dave.
CallMeDave was considered the ‘least offensive’. Now that is just so wrong. He
is quite offensive. One person interviewed chose Nick, “...you could have a
party with him”, another ignored the three and went with the obvious, Boris.
Boris on the Beach. Oh I think not, unless he wears a suit. Speedos – aughhh.
Come now. Nick could be fun, all right, made to have fun and his wife, Miriam
the only non-Stepford-wife of the wives, terribly clever, bright and rather cool
actually. Nick must have a pair of flip flops in his suitcase. Black shoes and
Nigel (Farage) wasn’t mentioned. But surely he would be an asset for a
staycation: surrounded by a impenetrable cloud of smoke, a drink in each hand
crooning ‘Holiday, we got to get together, take some time to celebrate, just one
day out of life, it would be so nice, come together in every nation. Celebrate’.
Hmmmm. I think not. I’m going abroad, Nige, we know you can’t.